don't let the mushrooms fool you

Mushroom farmers do it better 

I really didn't want to like the Bachelorette this season.  I found Emily quite dull when she was "with" Brad, and during her first episode I was very distracted by her teeth.  I think we can all agree that her enamels are way too big for her mouth.  But I persevered (because really, what I else do I have to do these days) and so here are a few observations from this Monday's episode.  The observations were sent to JM over BBM and I've included her responses, where relevant:

1. She looks way better in short dresses than long.  Her formal wear is more often tacky than not.
2. Why does Ryan wear scarves all the time (JM response "because he's a douche).
3. Still love Arie.  So cute when he was all embarassed at the Shakespeare thing.
4. Sean is really cute.
5. Daddy Doug's arms are too big.
6. It's too bad that they don't show more of Alejandro - because I think he's cute.  And I get the impression that he's smart.*
7. Glad Kalon's gone. (JM response "he was a sad excuse for a man")
8. Enjoyed her trash talk - going West Virginia red neck on him. 
9. It's a bit concerning that Ricki thinks dragons live at Buckingham Palace. (JM response "she seems kind of 'special' to me).  
10. JM observation back to me "I like that Jef manned up this week, but I question  if he has the confidence to be with a woman who looks like her."
11. My observation back to her "Also, should we be concerned that he knows what Chloe bag is? (JM response "Excellent Point").  Then we had a side conversation about the value of designer bags because I told her that AZ bought a beautiful Chanel purse on her recent trip to Paris.  That whole trip is worth it's own post, so stay tuned).
12. The preview of Arie kissing her up against a wall it hot.  (JM response "Makes me realize it's been a million years since I got any action.") This of course generated another side conversation about all the duds we've met recently and a debate about whether the fact that Stampede is less than a month away is a good thing or a bad thing when it comes to remedying this situation.  The verdict was that it probably wouldn't result in an uptick on the quality of men on the scene.
13. Just saw an ad for Magic Mike.  We are going to see this movie, correct?  (JM response "affirmative").

* Turns out I was right - he is smart.  Dude has a TED Talk! According to Grantland he's not your average mushroom farmer.  He was named one of the Top 25 Entrepreneurs Under 25, graduated summa cum laude from Berkeley, is a cancer survivor and the mushroom farm is a sustainable, community-focused one that grows mushrooms out of coffee grounds.  I can't believe Emily kept a guy who gave himself the nickname Wolf, but sent Alejandro packing.  And back to observation #12 - shall we take bets on the possibility of meeting a guy like Alejandro during Stampede?  

I'm a model, so ...

Everyone's pretty excited because the "ladies" are back.  And by "everyone" I mean the 6 of us who gather every week to watch The Bachelor.  So to start, there was obviously much debate about Ben's hair and whether or not we liked it.  Consensus was that we did not.  But we did not hate it as much as Christie hates sweetheart necklines ... direct quote on that one was "what's that neckline called?  I HATE it."  Note to self, never ask Christie to be a bridesmaid if the dresses have a sweetheart neckline.  I think we all got over his ridiculous hair with the non-stop shots of his winery.  If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's our love of wine.  So Ben wins us over with his occupation.  But his insistence on wearing a fluorescent pink tank and talking about seeing his father through hummingbirds brings him down more than a few notches.

As for the "ladies" we once again became focused on hair, wondering if we like the ombre look (we do) and whether or not yellow dress girl's hair should be longer (it should).  Then we moved on to the dresses.  Which, with very little exception, were horrible.  The green sateen and red plungey/strappy thingy were particularly awful - ABC obviously brought in some casting agents from Rock of Love this season.  We agreed that crazy blogger had one of the best outfits and the short sparkly one worn by someone else (an administrative assistant maybe?) was also good.  We figured that the (potentially) lesbian brunette wore such a demure dress to compensate for her "career" as a VIP cocktail waitress.  The model also looked good.  Her sense of superiority really complimented her black dress - the title of this post was her response when Ben asked her what she did for a living.

So that's about all we really had to say.  As you'll notice, we don't know any of their names yet.  That comes later as they go on dates, and swap traumatic stories about the journey they've been on to make it to this place when they feel they are finally ready to find love again.  If you don't understand that sentence, you obviously haven't been watching this show for long enough.

My final two predictions are horse lady and sparkly dress girl.

HC with the win

So the new season of the Bachelorette has begun. I'm trying to fight this weird need I have to watch this damn show. But once again, I get sucked in, even though I said it at the end of Brad's season and I'll say it again - Ashley is incredibly annoying. And according to Tim, definitely not hot enough to get guys to watch the show.

My early fave is JP. I also liked the guy who had the guitar gimmick in the 1st episode, but she got rid of him. I originally liked William, but his dorkiness is killing my desire. There are a bunch of non-descript dark haired guys of whom I have no opinion on thus far. The dates, though have sucked. Eating dinner in the Bellagio fountain surrounded by screaming "fans?" No thanks. A random interpretive dance date? Yuck. And I don't even remember the last one, but I'm sure it was lame. HC didn't watch it with us last night, but she gets the quote of the episode in the BBM she sent me 15 minutes ago: "ABC is running the Guantanamo Bay of dating shows." Took me a minute, but I realized she was making a smart political reference to torture. So wise that one.

and so it ends ...

So Brad's journey has finally come to an end. I'd love to say that I'm really going to miss his stilted delivery and wooden personality, but really all I care about are his abs and his wonderfully coiffed almost-beard.

Due to a PVR glitch, we watched out of order, and in two different locations. Long story. So as the action was slightly disjointed, our conversation was as well. As a result I will only be able to talk about my thoughts on the main characters (I know they are supposed to be real people, but come on), as opposed to the actual happenings of the show:

Brad – As he did throughout the season, he tried his best to be honest and a good guy, and I will say that he came off fairly well. I do think that he should have thrown Chantal a bone though when talking about why he kept her around. Saying she deserved to be there was a bit harsh. Dude could have said that he enjoyed her company and felt something rather than totally dismiss their “journey.” But I guess his super insecure maybe-fiancee Emily would have had a few issues with that story line. And we all agreed that that homeboy can rock a Henley. I decree that he should wear one at all times.

Emily – Unsurprisingly, she looked much better after the final rose than she did at the proposal. Looks like she took Stacey’s advice and went for the low lights and a wipe! Her dress was still pretty bad. But not as bad as the one she wore for the proposal. That particular dress was only memorable because it had no feathers (yep, I'm talking to you Chantal). This is not saying much. While being interviewed by Chris, we all agreed that while her honesty was appealing, she needs to get over how she was portrayed on the show (i.e. tragic-single mom). Her insecurities were almost as unflattering as her outfit.

Chantal – I did feel bad for the girl. Not only for being rejected by Brad but for announcing on national television that she's in love again. I guarantee it won't last and ABC will lock her up for the season of the Bachelorette that premiers in May 2012. Two good things I will say though is that a) she had a dignified exit after the rejection and b) she wouldn't let Brad get away with pretending he didn't have feelings for her. What I can’t get behind was her outfit on the final day … too much going on with the feathers, the flowers, the prom girl hair, the stacked bracelets, the earrings. Bad styling period. She looked better at the ATFR, but really only in comparison to Emily’s bad weird French Maid outfit.

Chad – Dare I say he was hotter that Brad? He also seemed smarter, but that might have been because he didn’t talk nearly as slowly. But his brother Wes was definitely the brains of the operation …

Wes – We determined that Wes was the brainy one, if only because he was the least attractive of the Womack brothers. But he seemed way more fun than the other two. We figure he’s got to be a good time if only to make up for his shortcomings as the “ugly”brother. Everyone copes in their own way.

Dylan/Prima – They played their roles as mute wives perfectly. They said nothing except that they wanted Brad to pick Emily because they can't relate to single childless women. Imagine if he had brought over one of the ladies with a career? They would have fallen off of their chairs!

Momma Womack – I'm assuming Brad's mom had name, but as it wasn't something unique like Prima, I have no idea what it was. But she played her part well and that’s all I have to say about her.

Chris Harrison – In our dis-jointed viewing, did we miss the part where he gave Brad a pep-talk? Is I just me or did he do far less this season than in past … maybe because of the presence of Brad’s therapist, but seriously the only thing he did in the finale was escort the “ladies” to the proposal. And I’m guessing drink plenty of Ernie Els’s wine. Seriously – best job in TV.

Ashley H – She was announced as the new Bachelorette. I am not impressed. She was super annoying on Jimmy Kimmel. Bad outfit, bad clapping, bad laugh. Will be hard pressed to make myself watch. There better be some fine young man on her season (a la Chris). Otherwise I might just have to skip the next few months until The Bachelor Pad premieres.

way to go Brad, you just proved me right

Anyone else notice how prescient* my last post was? In the same way he dismissed Shawntel, Brad got rid of Ashley because she has a career, is driven to succeed and isn’t willing to sacrifice everything to be with him. Shocker. HC and I had a disagreement about this as she insists that they probably just edited out the career talk with the other “ladies.” Well if they did talk about it, I really think ABC should include it. By not showing it they just perpetuate the stereotype that if a woman wants to find true love, she shouldn’t be saddled down by a career and instead should concentrate on making her man happy. But I guess they need the women to fit into certain characters. We have “career driven Ashley”, “tragic single mom Emily” and “will do anything for love Chantal.” While it's true that I’ve never been a fan of Ashley, it still really infuriates me that the girl with the career aspirations is the one who had to go. Although I probably would have sent her home for wearing ridiculous denim diapers, so maybe I’m no less shallow then Brad.

The only other thing I have to say about the episode is why did they bother giving Chantal and Brad a key to the bed-in-a-tree loft thingy? I understand it’s part of the whole “fantasy suite” schtick, but last time I checked it was in the open air, and as such there was no door in which to use the key. You can’t pull a fast one on me, Chris Harrison!

*Are you also impressed at my use of the word prescient? Because I am.

one step closer for the women, one step back for all of womankind

There are so many things wrong with The Bachelor, but the one that drives me the craziest is that it's assumed that whoever he picks will move to his hometown. For some reason I can totally accept him dating 25 women, making out with a dozen or so, sleeping with at least 3 of them, and then picking one at random. But the idea that a woman has to change her plans to follow him around drives me bananas. No compromise, no discussion of him moving, etc. The "ladies" are the ones who have to make the big decision about their career (on the rare occasion where they actually have one) and suck it up and move wherever the guy is living, because they're gonna be a wife, and that trumps all.

On Monday's episode, there was no discussion of Chantal's career (maybe because she doesn't need one judging from the size of her parents house), Brad was concerned about perhaps holding Ashley back (because she is actually on her way to becoming a professional), and Shawntel got booted mainly because her parents don't want her to leave the funeral home business (Brad may have said their chemistry was lacking, but come on). And then there is Emily. There was no mention of her career because she has a kid, which means she is already on her way to being the perfect wife. Awesome.

eat something ... please

So The Bachelor is on tonight and I just realized that I didn't post a recap from last week. That was due to a variety of issues, including but not limited to:

1) the fact that it was Valentine's Day and I was striking against all things involving romance;

2) HC forgetting to PVR the early episode meaning that we made our pizzas, packed them up and took them over to SS's place to cook, resulting in a lot of commotion and me forgetting to take note of everyone's witty comments; and

3) sheer laziness on my behalf.

So I don't have a full recap. Instead, below is an email train between myself and RB, which I believe captures the sentiment of the day after.

RB:

It's dinner time on the yacht! Britt is wearing an indefensible peach negligee thing.

Did you watch the bach last night?

Me:

I did. She had horrible platform flip flops too! Screw a lack of chemistry, she should have been sent home based solely on her horrible fashion choices and bad hair!

RB:

It was gross- and made me realize I need a b**b job STAT

Me:

Shut up.

You are nowhere near as skeletal as Britt, so that ridiculous outfit would not hang off you like it did her. Seriously, I was wishing for an interactive tv so that I could feed her the salted caramel chocolate I was eating in honour of VDay.

RB:

Yes, I watched her push her food around the plate and was willing her to EAT SOMETHING!

Me:

Any thoughts on final 2?

RB:

I like Shawntel ALOT

ME:

Yes me too.

RB:

Her and dentist I think?

Me:

Not a fan of the dentist … she seems very unhip. Bad mom hair and overplucked eyebrows. I also don’t really see their chemistry, but he seems to like her.

RB: I don’t mind her… she’s kind of the odd duck there- which is interesting

Who is your #2?

Me:

I think the other Chantal … despite her crazy.

RB:

mmm… shes way too over the top for me… too needy. Interestingly neither of us said “em”

btw I have watched a sum total of 3 episodes of this bach. He’s creepy.

Me:

I think he has Emily on a pedestal … won’t work.

He is very deliberate in his speaking patterns – no emotion ever. His voice doesn’t chance no matter what he says, it’s almost like someone (Chris Harrison perhaps) is feeding him lines.

That said, I think he’s the best looking Bachelor they’ve had on the show.

RB:

I loved Andrew Firestone

Rich said he should send the rest of the girls home after he saw him with Emily…said he acts like an idiot b/c he’s smitten

Me:

Sounds like you and Rich had a pretty romantic Valentine’s Day last night, watching the Bachelor …

RB:

After I inhaled peters drive in…yes…

Me:

Nothing says I love you like onion rings and a chocolate banana milkshake!

RB:

Wrong. Chocolate Strawberry.

Even hotter and sexier with 2 kids in back of car with milkshake dripping EVERYWHERE.

Me:

Ran into so and so last week. Is it mean of me to say that I don’t like her hair?

RB:

No, this would be mean

Ran into so and so last week. Is it mean of me to say that I don’t like her?

Me:

So to recap, you are mean and I am polite.

RB:

Correct.

it's always rainy in costa rica

My apologies for the delayed bachelor commentary. I blame the fact that it was not a great episode, except for the fact that ABC finally decided to divulge the ladies ages. That said, we didn’t really notice because we spent much of the episode trying to figure out if all of the girls have had boob jobs. We came to the conclusion that they all have except for Jackie and Britt and so they will be the next two to go. Jackie of course did leave. Britt will be gone soon enough. If they were kicked off judged on their outfits however, she would have been gone weeks ago. Seriously, she is the least fashionable lady on the show. And it's not like the other ladies are setting a high standard, so that's saying a lot.

My favourite part of the one-on-one date with Chantal was when she said that she and Brad know what it feels like to in a real relationship because whenever they’re together it rains. Not sure that I understand her logic on that one, but I’m sure it made sense in that pretty little head of hers. The best part of the group date involved someone who wasn’t actually on the date. Brad’s reaction to Alli’s screams from the hotel was awesome. The fact that she threw a full glass at Chantal was even better. Her bug freak out was hands down the best moment of the season so far. It was also probably the most honest one of the season. We also had a debate about what Michelle said about Brad when he took his shirt off. Go home and “fuck the shit out of him?” Or go home and “fuck yourself?” Either way, it was aggressive.

On the topic of Michelle, I agree that she is completely crazy, but at least she’s honest when she talks to the camera. We also think he really wants to sleep with her, and this is why he is keeping her around. Or perhaps he's just one of those guys who likes crazy girls ... AZ is looking for one of those guys, so if anyone knows one, let me know and I will pass along his information to her. Plus she had the worst hairstyle. Michelle is a hairdresser so she should know better. Those of you who know me know that I enjoy a bang braid as much as any other girl, but this braid took up half of her head

The rappelling date didn’t look that fun. In fact none of the dates looked that fun. Horseback riding through a field on what looked like mules and staring at random birds. And spalunking, really? I’m gonna call it and say going through that cave was the worst date of any season of The Bachelor, ever. As demeaning as I thought Shawntel’s shopping date was, this one was worse. Plus every date involved a helmet. While I agree dating can be dangerous, this is getting a bit ridiculous. I'm sure Costa Rica is a lovely place, but if I worked for Costa Rica Tourism I’d want my money back. The Bachelor is definitely not doing to Costa Rica what Oprah did for Australia.

I will say that when he dumped Alli he said as well as he could have said it. Mainly because I still believe he has someone feeding him lines ... that’s why he talks so slowly. Plus you can always tell when he goes off script. When he heard Alli’s screams, when Michelle showed up in his hotel room - he had a very good surprise face, you can tell he didn’t see it coming, unlike every other moment on the show that is filled with non-stop cliches: the “journey” they’re on, having their “walls” up, finding the “relationship” so hard, making a “connection,” blah, blah, blah.

So in general I guess you could say, that I was unimpressed with this episode. Not enough to keep me from watching the next one mind you. Because there is always a gem of a moment to keep you hooked. This week it was Chantal’s decision to wear another bad dress (not as bad as the mesh disaster from last week, but still bad) and to drop the early I love you. Bad dress + emotional train wreck = Bachelor awesomeness.

all by myself

I don’t have a lot to say about this week’s Bachelor, mainly because I watched it alone. Without the girls and their witty/snarky comments the episode didn’t really have me hooked. It might also have had something to do with the fact that I didn't drink any wine while watching. Won't make that mistake again. So here are my quick thoughts:

• Random brunette (Alli?) who commented "just because she comes in with the worst story, means she gets the most attention?" Um yep. That's why everyone tells their sob stories to get his attention.

• I know that the show was filmed months ago, but I feel like Nascar Barbie took our advice ... much less makeup and she looked so much better, non?

• Chantal threw out the word love. Oops. But then he called her baby. Ridiculous on both accounts. Also her dress at the rose ceremony was unbelievably ugly. I'm sorry HC but you need to take back your love for her.

• The Ashleys date was a bore. I had no interest in either of them staying or leaving. I did however enjoy the random shot of Brad's junk as they started their "performance."

• A green frosted cake to show Alli that he remembers the dress she wore is not an indication that he cares. It means that a cake was made that happened to have pink and green on it and a random production assistant who was paying attention on Brad's behalf slipped him the information.

• I know Michelle was trying to be sexy but I doubt it would have come off that way without the music provided by ABC.

• I don't think anyone was surprised by the girls he sent home as I didn't know their names until Chris told "Marissa" and "Lisa" it was time to say their goodbyes. I did really like Lisa's dress though.

• Brad has a very mechanical way of speaking ... like someone is feeding the lines into an earpiece a la Roxane. Someone told him to say hello, so he did. Someone told him to tell her she looked beautiful, so he did. It makes me think that he would be very methodical in bed ... like he has a list of all the erogenous zones in woman's body and would check each one off as he hit them, so to speak.

Finally I will say that I think that Shawntel’s shopping spree would almost be worth the humiliation of going on this ridiculous show. Almost.

daddy issues

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to put all of our comments from last night's Bachelor into a cohesive story line, mainly because our viewing party was interrupted by some fierce googling of HC's latest date as well as some intimate discussions about whether or not a woman's cervix is fixed in place. Please note that the two discussions were not necessarily related.

But even if these conversations were very off-topic they were still much more stimulating than the conversations that Brad had with the ladies. Plus, no one died in our stories. Seriously, why do all the women feel the need to tell Brad about their sob stories as soon as he says hello? It's a bit much, non? And I wonder what Brad's "therapist" would say about the fact that all the women who go on the Bachelor all seem have some sort of daddy issues - an absent father (dentist), a dead one (Chantal, Ashley) or a fatherless child (Emily)?

On to the big events of the evening ...

• We figure the only reason Seal is on the show is because he has like 7 kids at home and is sick and tired of Heidi Klum getting to leave all the time to host project runway or strut her stuff in Victoria's Secret fashion shows. Sadly this was the only option available to him.

• As to AH's big question of the night: "What exactly does Brad's tattoo mean?" Tim had a very concise response: "That he's a douche."

• As we were watching the action film "date" we had two main questions. 1) Did they all go shopping at the same tacky-lululemon-knock-off store? and 2) Do other people watching this think this is a cool idea? Obviously we cringe and question why we watch the show, but do others think, "Hey, this is awesome, I wish I could film a fake action movie that no one will ever see? But no one ever takes me on dates like this. My life sucks."

• HC was trying to recount a funny story about a night we had in Panorama over the holidays, but it was really one of those stories where you had to be there. As she put it, "that story crashed just like Ricky's plane." Harsh but true.

• We still don't know who half the "ladies" are ... name and occupation is insufficient. We need more contextual information. For example it should say Britt, 25, food writer, made out excessively with Brad on the bed during useless blood drive public service announcement. Lisa, 24, wore ruby red shoes on night one, hair is too long, but for some reason it works. Or Lindsay, 25, thank god I have red hair, otherwise no one would remember me.

• Also from now on Christie shall be known as Christie I. Even though we have no other friends named Christie, we will start using the letter I as an homage to our favourite show which always seems to have two Ashleys.

And just in case you were wondering, we never did find any juicy information about HC's date ... according to the interweb, dude is a ghost.

that was tender, but I still think she's boring

... that gem of a line comes from Christie, speaking about Brad's second one-on-one date with whatever her name was with the side bun and pretty necklace. Two other comments about that date: 1) His spit take reaction to her "I don't date much comment," was very out of place. His concerns about her being cautious were a bit much, non? Just because you're contractually obligated to be a man-whore Brad, doesn't mean this girl has to be a hussy. 2) Why do the "ladies" always thank Brad so much for the date? He does not come up with these dates. There is obviously a team of ridiculous people at ABC who sit around coming up with stupid idea after stupid idea. He is not spoiling you - ABC and Neil Lane are. And Train? Really? You can't even dance (fast or slow) to their music. This of course brought up a side conversation about musicians appearing on TV shows. Remember when bands used to play at the Peach Pit or the Bait Shop? They were kind of cool and on the up swing. The opposite is true when they make an appearance on the Bachelor. Definitely a sign of desperation or on their way out.

Sorry, back to the topic at hand. As for date number one with the dentist, none of us enjoyed her tutu (on a side note, anyone have thoughts about the revival of ballet and its influence on fashion?) as the drop waist and colour did not work, and a good 10 minutes was spent discussing what was wrong with her eyebrows - the consensus was that they were overplucked, too far apart, and so as a result might even be tattooed on. She had a good sob story about a distant, addictive father (although not sure it can compare to the dead NASCAR driver/orphan daughter story that Emily has), but we were distracted by her excessive hand talking and the background music that consisted of 3 notes over and over again. ABC must have blown its music budget on Seal's upcoming episode.

Once again, the girls try to get time with Brad and ask him stupid questions about his greatest fear. To which he answered, being alone. Really? That's your greatest fear? What about spiders? Or venomous snakes? Or flash floods? Why can't these people every have a normal conversation? Why does it always have to be about their "walls" or "layers?" Where are the discussions about politics, religion and sports?

At the cocktail party Brad stated that he was looking forward to a light-hearted, drama-free evening. Whoever wrote that script for him needs to be fired. He's been on the show before, we know he knows what's about to go down. The gig is up ABC. These girls are not best friends and Brad knows it! And so yes, Michelle has become the villain. Justly so, as she is definitely on the first train to crazytown. Melissa also deserved to go home. She was weird, lied about eating (4 pieces of pizza, really? it looked like she hadn't had a sandwich in weeks), and had a horrible Tori Spelling boob job. And yes, that is my second 90210 reference of the nights. But I will say that at 32 she was the oldest of the bunch. Brad is 38. Why couldn't they offer up some more age appropriate women? Does he really think he's going to find love with a 24 year old pharmaceutical rep? And do we really? No. Yet we continue to watch.

give the guy a break

I don't have much to say about the first episode of Brad Womack's return to the Bachelor, except that I did appreciate that change up from "most dramatic season ever" to "most controversial season ever," (although it's surprising ABC didn't call it "contractually obligated to pick someone this time around"). While watching, the girls and I concurred that the dresses were worse than ever, all the "ladies" seemed to use the same curling iron, and why were there no ages along with their "career descriptions." If you go by the number of times she said like, the girl who got the first impression rose is definitely a teenager.

The whole "I've been in therapy and I'm a new man" theme was all a bit too much. I appreciate that they are trying to show that he has changed, but why did he need to? Dude had every right to not pick either Jenny or DeAnna if he wasn't feeling it - it's called free will. It's not like all the other relationships on the show have worked out ... people break up. Just not in ABC's world I guess. And why is DeAnna so bitter? Last time I checked she's engaged to a guy she met thanks to being dumped by Brad. And it feels like she's been on every season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette over the last 3 years. Get over yourself.

And finally, I can't believe it took them this long to get Seal to agree to use "Kiss From A Rose." Heidi must be a fan ...

addiction and 90s tv

Anyone else watching Celebrity Rehab this season? I've already mentioned my love of Dr. Drew, which is one reason I watch. The other reason of course is that I love a good trainwreck. On this season, the size of Rachel Uchitel's lips intrigue me. I'm not sure how she can talk really. I also call bullshit on Jeremy London's story about being kidnapped. Not sure why he's still sticking to his guns. It's quite sad really as I used to love him on Party of Five. I so wanted to be Julia Salinger dating Griffin . I loved Party of Five period. While it was a good show on it's own, my love of it probably also comes from the era in which it was broadcast. It was on while I was at university and along with Felicity, it was appointment viewing - first in residence and then in various living rooms off campus, always with a group of girlfriends who loved it as much as I did. In fact, I think the only reason I stuck with Lost through all 6 seasons because of my love for Charlie Salinger aka Jack Shephard aka Matthew Fox.

sister wives

Below is a partial transcript of the discussion that I had with HC (over BBM of course) while watching Sister Wives:

HC: "This is a lifestyle I don't get ...I feel like I'm programmed by society to only accept monogamy ... Which given events of recent past ... I don't have a ton of faith (or respect) in. Bizarre."

Me: "I don't think that polygamy is the answer though ...especially seeing as it is only reserved for men only. You never hear about "brother-husbands."*

HC: "No one wants multiple husbands ... The jury is often out on one, as far as I understand it. The bathroom habits alone... I couldn't handle it."

Me: "This guy does not seem like a winner."

HC: "Keep in mind his dad may be his cousin or something ... I think everyone is a few bricks short of a load."

So this was a semi-serious conversation about the merits of polygamy. Men, take this as a wake up call - all of the douchebaggery of late is making smart women like HC ponder an alternate lifestyle. This is not a good thing. Time for you to step up.

* Incidentally, I looked into women who marry more than one man ... it's called polyandry. And according to wikipedia, it's legal in Saskatchewan. Yep.

technical problems

I've been out of sorts all day ... it took me awhile to figure out why, but I think it is due to a variety of technical issues I am experiencing.

First off, my Blackberry is broken. More importantly, my BB messenger is not working. This is a serious problem as I do believe that BBM is one of the best inventions ever and it irks me that I can't send instant messages to my friends. Never mind that I could just phone them or email, but that just seems so intentional and formal. BBMing random comments is much more fun. I would also like to add that when I approached my work IT guy to discuss the fact that my BB isnt't working, he informed me that because it is not actually physically broken, he can't give me a new one. He then told me, in what I think was complete seriousness, to step on it or drop it in the toilet, and then come back and see him.

Secondly, my PVR didn't record Jersey Shore last night. I know that I can watch it on one of the dozen repeats between now and next Thursday, but I was looking forward to watching it after work today. I also fully realize that I should be embarrased to watch this ridiculous show where ridiculous people are getting paid ridiculous sums of money to do nothing but drink, speak incoherently, and pump their fists. It's also part of the current pop cultural zeitgest, and in the same way that I can sing the lyrics to a Justin Beiber song (the shame!), I also know about J-Wow, Snooki and the Situation.

Finally, I bought a new MacBook earlier this summer and have yet to transfer over my itunes music catalogue to my new laptop. As a result I have been listening to the same playlists all summer long, and while they are good, the repetition is starting to get to me. It is definitely time for me to remedy this situation (no capital S needed). Then of course the question becomes, do I download a song from the Beebs?

Enjoy the silence

So I don't really have much to say about this week's bachelorette episode, as it really was the least dramatic rose ceremony ever. Chris N said about 12 words the entire season, so it was no big surprise to see him go. And while I enjoyed the visual of Ali and the Wrestler leaving Kasey behind on the glacier, it didn't really compare to when Jillian kicked Robby off a train somewhere between Golden and Lake Louise. I will say however that Rated-R should change his name to Iceland-ICK ... cause really, he was just being an ass.

But on to Kirk, who I am crushing on and now realize I made fun of in the first episode because he brought a scrapbook. I take it back - Kirk, I will go sweater shopping with you anytime, and please feel free to take pictures and put them in a book with puffy stickers and shooting stars. I will glady accept your scrapbook creation. Plus the asbestos story was great and felt real, not at all some sort contrived story made up by ABC to bring the drama. Plus it brought me back to my youth ... When I was in grade 7 I was supposed to go see Depeche Mode. It was to be the first concert I went to without my parents (my first concert period was a few years earlier - Whitney Houston). But then, Dave Gahan et al refused to perform at the arena because the ceiling contained asbestos. The concert was cancelled and I was crushed ... I have yet to see them live and would love to some day. Maybe Kirk will take me?

to guard and protect

Dear potential suitors,

Please find below a few notes on the dos and don'ts of our relationship:

1. Never, ever, refer to me as a butterfly. In person or off camera.
2. My heart does not need to be guarded or protected. Saying it over and over again won't help your cause.
3. Please don't spontaneously break into song - with or without guitar. But if you must sing (i.e. we're auditioning for a Broadway show), please sing directly into my eyes. They are the window to the soul after all.
4. Don't ask me to jump into your heart. And definitely don't ask me to stay there awhile.
5. If I am sick and surrounded by other men who I obviously don't want to talk to, please take me out of my misery, walk me to my hotel room and tell me a bedtime story (preferably a dirty one).
6. If it's your birthday, and I had planned a great date, but then I get sick, the right thing to do is bring me flowers and soup. This kind gesture will pay off for you eventually (i.e. you will get a hometown date).
7. If you are a weatherman, stop using your meteorological knowledge in pun-form. It does not make you seem clever, it just reinforces the fact that you are an idiot.
8. Don't get a tattoo with a heart, a sword, a rose, a medieval knight, a dagger, a horse or any other ugly image that symbolizes your attempt to protect me. Getting permanent ink does not make you genuine, it just makes you creepy. One that has 11 diamonds to represent the random 11 men that ABC selected to make a TV show is not touching, it's frightening.
9. If you insist on getting a tattoo, please get one of your recently passed mother's signature across your chest. Now that is genuine. Telling me that you see her in rainbows will also melt my heart.

So there you have it - it is not a complete list, but it should get you started. By following the simple rules posted above, we will be well on our way to making a connection ... I can't wait to go on this amazing journey with you.

Yours truly,

K

Pedro's got my vote*

Some quick thoughts on Monday's bachelorette episode ...

• For some reason, I keep wanting to call Roberto Pedro. Makes no sense, but there it is. And so he shall be named.


• Steve looks too much like his namesake Steve Guttenberg and so he was just a blip on the show ... much like the original Guttenberg was just a blip on the Hollywood scene.**


• Continuing on with the 80s Hollywood stars look alike theme, the Weatherman totally reminds me of an awkward early Tom Cruise. This is not a good association. In the words of my wise friend RB "I could not dislike the Weatherman more."


• I miss Steven Page - his harmonies were the only thing that made the BNL interesting.


• I am all over Chris L's tattoo and the meaning. His mouse hunting is awesome too. I want to go to there.


• I would definitely roll around in bed with Kirk anytime, anywhere. I also enjoyed the requisite hot tube kiss. Love that he was the first one. In the wise words of Jillian Harris - she popped his hot tub cherry.
  
• Hunter + Ali's date = snooze ville ... I actually fast forwarded most of it.
  
• Did anyone else notice that back at the house Craig was drinking straight from a full bottle of wine? I think he would be a fun drunk and I recommend that ABC show more of that.
  
• I don't have much to say about Rated R's trip to Ali's "house," but I do concede that it was a dick move to lie about it and make pointed comments about it.


• There were two ridiculous outfits at the rose ceremony. Once again Ali had crap-tastic style. That dress would have been way cuter had it been short. And Jesse, with the jean-on-jean? Round here that is known as an Alberta Tuxedo and it is definitely not a compliment.

Once again I had to watch this episode all by myself ... it is way more fun to watch it with the girls and I hope next week we can all watch it together! The comments will be way funnier then. I promise.

*sort of - dude says all the right things and she's obviously into him, but I think I like Chris L more ... and maybe Kirk too?

**In doing my in-depth research for this post I just learned that it was recently announced that there is to be another sequel to Three Men and A Baby ... According to this article, it is highly anticipated. That might be an overstatement. Tentative title = Three Men and A Bride. Insert your groan here.

thank god for mr. dangerous ...

'cause really, if Craig M hadn't been such an enormous a-hole, what would there have been to talk about back at the house? And while the guy is a definite jerk, I think he was totally legit in calling out The Weatherman's white jacket ... it was bad. Really bad.

So it seems Ali took my advice, because her outfits were much improved on episode 2 ... she seemd much more natural in her tank top and converse, and she took a page from Jillian's playbook and went with a cute cocktail dress for the rose ceremony. Even the long Vegas dress was more acceptable. Although I was slightly distracted by Jesse - dude can rock a suit, not to mention a swimsuit. I think she's keeping him around solely for his looks. Not that I'm complaining.

As for the date with Frank to the Hollywood sign, am very curious about the car breakdown. Could Frank not have at least attempted to show his manhood by popping the hood and pretending to try to fix it? Who went to the highway to retrieve it? Please tell me it was Chris Harrison. And why is Frank so relunctant to tell us what sort of store he manages? I would also like to point out that Ali totally lied when she said that no one gets to go to the Hollywood sign. She obviously doesn't remember the graduation scene in the original 90210 when the crazy kids from West Bev managed to reconfigure the sign for their senior prank, as evidenced here (the reveal is at 5:04):




As for the beach date, I gotta say that I am embarrassed for the female species that once again, a bachelorette fell for the guitar move. Enough with the guitar, it's really not that sexy. I also still don't know who half the guys are. The guy that was helping The Weatherman into his speedo was pretty ripped. I think his name was Steve? There was a guy with a green shirt later that night ... no idea of his name, but he got a rose, not sure why. And poor Vancouver guy - not only did they not show his one-on-one time during the group date, he didn't even get an exit interview after getting the boot. Poor form.

I still think Chris L needs to mention his dead mother and move back to Cape Cod - Ali has a really good sad/pout face that I'm sure ABC would love to show more of. And while I've always known that the bachelorette doesn't pick who she goes on dates with, this episode certainly proved it. Had she had her choice, she would definitely have picked Roberto for a solo date, because whenever she's around him, she effectively goes mute. Like the salsa last episode, the baseball was a nice touch. He's a catch for sure (get it?). I also like Kirk - he's cute, but I need more information beyond just the shot of his abs. Not that I'm complaining.

My one suggestion for next episode is that they don't show anymore of The Weatherman - while Ali appreciated that he had her back, he's not that entertaining and is taking up way too much screen time. Plus he seemed to be drinking vodka crans. Not feeling it. ABC would be advised to show less of him and spend more time showing us the men relaxing by the pool at home; sans shirts s'il-vous-plait.

shooter, we hardly knew 'ya

After the Jake Pavelka debacle, I swore off the Bachelor series ... but then it showed up again and I realized that I didn't swear off of it, so much as the show went off the air and I couldn't wait for it to start again. Plus I realized that like the Bachelorette version way better. The men are just more fun - not as ridiculous (usually) and much nicer to look at (Reid and Kyptin, I'm talking to you!). So here are my initial thoughts (aka catty judgments) on the premiere episode:

First off, Ali needs a new stylist. She should definitely cut her hair - it is way too brassy and thin to be that long. She looks way better when her hair is up, so I decree that she get a bob. Next she should avoid ball gowns/prom dresses/bridesmaid outfits at all costs - the dress she was wearing as she greeted the limos was horrible. It looked like she was wearing a purse on her ass. The outfits she wore in her introduction video when she discussed how she was there for the right reasons, choosing love over work, looking plaintively into the sunset, blah, blah, blah, were much better.

As for the men:
- Frank was a bit crazy, all bug-eyed and jumping out of the limp. He said that he had quit his job as a highpowered M&A guy to be a screenwriter, but underneath his name it said he was a "retail manager." I took this to mean that he works as a shift supervisor at Moore's Menswear.
- Craig gave all Canadians a bad name with his ridiculous hair and pompous attitude. That said, I liked his tie. While I'm surprised Ali kept him, I'm thinking perhaps he is an ABC plant is being kept to bring the drama. I also didn't understand why they used the Toronto skyline when dude is from Sarnia ... I guess smokestacks and tract housing don't make for quality tv?
- Kasey has got to go ... buddy is way too over-eager. He kept on saying how he wanted to guard her heard - what does that even mean? It's protected by her rib cage, she doesn't need a kid named Kasey. The 3 of us watching also decided that he might have been deaf at some point as he had a bit of a weird speech thing going on ... or maybe it's just that he talks way too quickly?
- Jesse - the guy from Peculiar, Montana. His intro speech was lame, but he was rocking the 3-piece suit, which I love, so he can stay.
- Kirk - he's kind of like the male version of Tenley. But instead of dancing, he scrapbooks.
- Hunter played the ukulele, an instrument to which I take no exception. His song was pretty good too, althought it would have been better if he had somehow been able to incorporate Wes's "they say love don't come eaaaaaassssssyyyyyy ..." lyrics
- Roberto's dimples definitely give him an advantage - I pick him for final 2
- Chris L is my other pick. Black labs, beach-side property, sob story about his mother. I'm all over it.
- It was really too bad that Shooter led with the premature ejaculation story, because he was pretty cute.
- There were a few others whose names escape me, but am I ever glad she got rid of the lawyer in the powder blue suit with the bad hair because he was just awful. The guy from Vancouver was cute too, but he had some weird hair gel malfunction which made it look like had bangs. Not sure how I feel about Rated-R - not a fan of the soul patch, but I do feel that he didn't get a fair shake from the other guys. How can you not like a fake wrestler with a heart of gold, who speaks a mysterious slavic language with his grandmother?

I am sure I will thoroughly enjoy this season, especially when Ali gets a new stylist. I volunteer my services.