call me maybe

It's a good song in theory.  Catchy and simple.  Its evilness lies of course in the fact that it is grammatically incorrect, was played non-stop all summer and that it encourages you to do stupid things like actually give someone your number in the hope that they will call you maybe.

I bring this up now because a few weeks ago I went out with RB, MZ and KF.  I would like to say that it all started off innocently, but RB and I hadn't had a night out together in awhile and I had spent 2 weeks in Prince George (don't ask) so we were both looking to go out on a rippy tear (my mother's words).  But it quickly went off the deep end when I had 2 strong margaritas from Ox and Angela before food arrived.

We ran into some friends of mine, one of whom is a man about town and so I blame him for everything that happened that night.  And by everything, I really mean only one thing.  That one thing being that we ended up at a bar, where a DJ I sort of know and kind of have a crush on, was playing and for some reason (those reasons of course being tequila, RB and man about town referenced above) I decided to write my name, my number and the words "I'm all shook up" on a napkin and give it to said DJ.  I promptly ran out of the bar as quickly as possible.

Needless to say I have not heard from him and I will never return to that bar.

a list for the 100th Stampede

Sheriff Buddha

Ok, so Stampede is almost officially over.  I say almost, because it's currently 5:32 am MST on Sunday July 15th and technically Stampede doesn't end until after the fireworks tonight at 11 PM MST.  Why am I awake at 5:32 on this summer sunday morning you ask?  It's not because I'm an early riser - it's because I have not yet slept after a night out.  That's right, the sun is coming up, it's not Vegas and I'm still awake.  I made the mistake of having 2 "shafts" which is some kind of concoction at the Living Room that involves espresso.  Did I mention that it was my birthday last night?  I'm now 36 - the crisis that this event is bringing about will have to be explored in another post.  Instead, I will just make a list of all the things that happened during this, the 100th anniversary of the Calgary Stampede:

• We crashed one party.
• I ripped 2 pairs of jeans.
• I went out 7 of 11 nights.
• AZ found out that "Scott" is not actually divorced (he is separated, but she lives here, not in another country as he previously stated).  Oh and he has a child that he passed off as his nephew.  It's a long involved story, but needless to say that relationship is over.  And now the Chanel bag has new meaning - trust your gut.  When you think someone might have a wife, they just might.
• We got kicked out of our infield rodeo seats - we were squatters, but still, it was embarassing.
• I didn't eat any beef on a bun (this is a rare feat, let me tell you).
• I spotted 2 CBC personalities (Strombo and Brett Wilson).
• I relived my high school days watching the Tragically Hip at a massive outdoor concert.
• Apparently this scene from last year happened again - I wasn't there so didn't witness it, but SS won stampede again this year as there may have been another YHG hookup. 
• While "Cory" didn't puke on the street, he did turn on his sprinkler when he got home from the bar and had a quick 45 minute nap on the front porch while he drowned his lawn.
• We went to Nashville North and partied with people who could legitimately have been our children.
• I didn't wear plaid once (another rare feat).
• On one of the nights that I didn't go out my soccer team actually scored a goal.  We still lost the game.  Badly.
• We have been forever spoiled by the fact that courtesy cars exist for Stampede sponsors and that they are often driven by age appropriate successful men who ask you if the air conditioning is comfortable.  I may never take public transit again.
• I had really good cab karma.
• HC and her boyfriend J broke up.  This had nothing to do with Stampede and more to do with the fact that she's moving to Toronto. Like next week.  My go-to plus one and emergency contact is leaving.  It's kind of a big deal.  But far too emotionally impactful to get into at 5:30 am on a serious lack of sleep.
• Wearing a sheriff's badge is a great conversation starter.  Too bad it's only really acceptable to do during Stampede.  So 'til next year my official badge will just stay with Buddha here on my bookshelf, as pictured above.

So that's it - I think that's all the happened.  At least that's all that I remember.  Another year done.  My liver worked hard and I survived.  Thanks Stampede.

on Paris and the surburbs

In my last post I mentioned AZ's new Chanel purse.  She bought it a few weeks ago at the original Chanel boutique - 31 Rue Cambon in Paris.  Beyond the beauty of the purse (which can be found here)  the story of how she ended up in Paris in the first place is a good one.  About 2 months ago, we had gone to Double Zero (sausauge and lentil pizza + 5$ happy hour wine = friday after work happiness) and then on to Craft  (Stiegl radler ... yum).  Whilst at Craft, we were approached by a guy, who, in a totally non-stalker way, indicated that he sees AZ everyday getting coffee and commented on how much he likes her shoes.  It was such an unthreatening pick up line that we assumed he was gay.  Turns out, not so much.  AZ had given him her number thinking he would be a new friend, who was a boy, while what he wanted was to be was her new boyfriend.  So they go out a few times, they hit it off, and as is the normal custom for a 4th date, they went to Paris.  Yep - Paris.  Oh and to Champagne for a few nights too.  Because, really.  Why not?

Anyhow, besides giving off an ever so slight non-hetero vibe, this new guy (let's call him "Scott") seems to be a great match for AZ.  They start spending a lot of time together - laughing, drinking, cooking dinner, talking fashion, and of course, all the other stuff.  But AZ sees a potential flaw.  He spends all of his time at her place and is evasive when she questions him on his.  And he's away on the weekends a lot.  The obvious conclusion of course is that he has a wife.  If you are confused, dear reader, I am too.  Because I don't see the jump that AZ made there, but to her it was logical at the time.  Did I mention that at the time we were on bottle number 5 of wine at a lovely bbq hosted by the always gracious SS?  "Scott" decided to spend an extra night out of town with his father and brother (on father's day I might add) and AZ decided this was shady.  She indicated in a text that they needed to have "the talk."

So how did this drama end you ask?  Well, turns out he doesn't have a wife (or a current wife at least - he is divorced.  And she lives in a different country).  The simple answer is that he lives in the suburbs. I don't know that I've mentioned my dating zone rule - it really is worth it's own post - but I have one and he falls well outside.  AZ lives 10 minutes from downtown, while his place is a solid 25.  Maybe even 30.  And so, mystery solved.

Are there any lessons to be taken from this?  I would think two.  1) Always say yes to Paris.  And 2) It's more convenient to have sleepovers in the inner city.

don't let the mushrooms fool you

Mushroom farmers do it better 

I really didn't want to like the Bachelorette this season.  I found Emily quite dull when she was "with" Brad, and during her first episode I was very distracted by her teeth.  I think we can all agree that her enamels are way too big for her mouth.  But I persevered (because really, what I else do I have to do these days) and so here are a few observations from this Monday's episode.  The observations were sent to JM over BBM and I've included her responses, where relevant:

1. She looks way better in short dresses than long.  Her formal wear is more often tacky than not.
2. Why does Ryan wear scarves all the time (JM response "because he's a douche).
3. Still love Arie.  So cute when he was all embarassed at the Shakespeare thing.
4. Sean is really cute.
5. Daddy Doug's arms are too big.
6. It's too bad that they don't show more of Alejandro - because I think he's cute.  And I get the impression that he's smart.*
7. Glad Kalon's gone. (JM response "he was a sad excuse for a man")
8. Enjoyed her trash talk - going West Virginia red neck on him. 
9. It's a bit concerning that Ricki thinks dragons live at Buckingham Palace. (JM response "she seems kind of 'special' to me).  
10. JM observation back to me "I like that Jef manned up this week, but I question  if he has the confidence to be with a woman who looks like her."
11. My observation back to her "Also, should we be concerned that he knows what Chloe bag is? (JM response "Excellent Point").  Then we had a side conversation about the value of designer bags because I told her that AZ bought a beautiful Chanel purse on her recent trip to Paris.  That whole trip is worth it's own post, so stay tuned).
12. The preview of Arie kissing her up against a wall it hot.  (JM response "Makes me realize it's been a million years since I got any action.") This of course generated another side conversation about all the duds we've met recently and a debate about whether the fact that Stampede is less than a month away is a good thing or a bad thing when it comes to remedying this situation.  The verdict was that it probably wouldn't result in an uptick on the quality of men on the scene.
13. Just saw an ad for Magic Mike.  We are going to see this movie, correct?  (JM response "affirmative").

* Turns out I was right - he is smart.  Dude has a TED Talk! According to Grantland he's not your average mushroom farmer.  He was named one of the Top 25 Entrepreneurs Under 25, graduated summa cum laude from Berkeley, is a cancer survivor and the mushroom farm is a sustainable, community-focused one that grows mushrooms out of coffee grounds.  I can't believe Emily kept a guy who gave himself the nickname Wolf, but sent Alejandro packing.  And back to observation #12 - shall we take bets on the possibility of meeting a guy like Alejandro during Stampede?  

counting the things I've done pt. 2

Once again I have totally blanked on my blogging duties.  I do have a few reasonable excuses – I spent much of February traveling.  And then quite a bit of March sitting on my ass doing nothing.  But what else is new?  So here it goes – another list counting of things I’ve been doing whilst not updating my blog:

1. A trip to NYC - really, you ask? That seems like kind of a big deal, why haven’t you mentioned it until now?  See excuse number two above.  Went with the guy mentioned in my 1997-1998 journal – the boy in question who I planned to break up with even though we weren’t actually dating.  We’re still not dating, so why would we go to NY together you wonder?  Not sure really, except that for some reason we are still friends and seem to see each other every 4 years, in kind of awesome locales – Chicago, Banff, Paris, St. Moritz and NYC.  Was a super fun trip – not much to report really.  Hit up some good restaurants, wandered the streets of Soho, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge (pictured here in blurry instagram glory), went to the Met, watched the skaters of Central Park, etc. It's still not clear to me how we've managed to stay friends these past 15 years, whilst living in 10 different cities on 2 different continents, but we have, and it's pretty cool.
2. A few days of skiing – not enough really, but still good.  Two of the days were with the bride who prompted the ultimate wedding dos & don’ts list (and yes, I'm going to hell for continuing to bash it almost 2 years later).  At any rate, there have been a few snowstorms in the past month and so I’ve had a couple of powder days which were fab.  Hope to get a few more days in before the end of the season.
3. Work trips – to really exciting places like Wallaceburg, ON, Fort Nelson, BC and Wetaskiwin, AB.  On the first one I had some angry farmers question my integrity.  On the second one I went for drinks at a Boston Pizza where we were the only women in the bar.  On the third one, one of the SWAG items was a little case holding mints and toothpicks.  Those really are the highlights.
4. A drag show – self-explanatory.
5. Watching Friday Night Lights – I’m a late convert to the show, which means I’m watching all 5 seasons on itunes and on my PVR.  AH has been talking about it for years, but I never managed to watch it live, which is probably a good thing.  Watching all episodes back to back to back is awesome.  I’m slightly obsessed really.  I almost feel like I live in Dillon, TX.  And it makes me sad that I could never date Tim Riggins.  It also makes me sad that Taylor Kitsch’s  John Carter movie was so horrible.  He still looks good though.  And because he looks so good, I will forgive him for choosing another stupid movie to star in (Battleship) and go see it, if only because both Landry and Eric happen to be in it.
6. Wine – a few weeks ago we had an impromptu gathering for post-work bevies that went completely off the rails.  I met a Dutch guy who had just moved to 4 weeks previous and I’m pretty sure I impressed him with my ability to answer his skill testing question – how many Hollands fit into Alberta.  My answer was 20.  Everyone else guessed 4-6.  The real answer is 16.  So I won.  If I hadn’t had 5+ glasses of wine by that point, I’m pretty sure that I would have answered exactly 16.  SS met a guy who seems like a good guy, but he was uber-drunk and so when exchanging numbers, he gave her the wrong one.  Luckily they have a few friends in common.  One of the being Rat Guy (see – this blog always comes full circle)and so Drunk Jeff (also known as New Jeff and Good Jeff) emailed him to get SS’s contact info.  Rat Guy then had to swallow his pride and send her an email inquiring if it was ok for him to pass along her number.  They’ve had one date – the jury is still out, but it could be promising.
7. Research – AZ is going to NYC this week for work but whilst there is going to a “housewarming/birthday/magazine cover celebration” party.  It is being hosted by the mother a famous gentleman, who happens to be both single and a billionaire.  Sadly said gentleman won’t be there, but I still looked into his history and it’s a shame that he’s unavailable because AZ is already blonde and so could potentially have become the next Mrs. Musk.  Plus he’s building a spaceship to Mars (because that's a totally normal thing to do) and if she did some interplanetary travel, that would make a really great blog entry.  One that wouldn't take me two months to update.

age is just a number pt. 2

So I don't often write embarrassing dating stories about myself, mainly because it's been awhile since I went on an actual date, but more likely it's because my friends are usually available to offer up much more scandalous stories.  And everyone knows that it's way more fun to write about others than it is to write about one's self.  But I actually have to call myself out for bad behaviour.  A few weeks ago my neighbours had a little party.  I stopped by for a drink.  One drink turned into several.  Normally this wouldn't be a bad thing, but have I mentioned that my neighbours are young?  And as such they have young friends?  Remember when I gave AZ a hard time for shamelessly flirting with a certain young man named Tag? Well I need to let that go.  Because this guy was not born in 1984.  He was still born in the 80s, but that's as much information as I'm willing to give.  Plus he wore a toque inside.  Yep, my youngin' is a hipster.  Within the definition of hipster in the urban dictionary, the above picture is one of the images that comes up.  I'd like you to picture this when you think of this story.  Only because dude looked nothing like this, but the image still makes me very happy.

At any rate it was all very PG and harmless. Except of course if you count the harm inflicted on me by my friends and their jokes about my taste in men of a certain age.  That said, they should be appreciative as I've now broken new ground.  So much so that Christie now insists as a result of my actions her boy crush, Sidney Crosby, is back in play.

a very long Stampede recap

Good news! All that talk of nothing exciting happening, went swiftly out the window on the Friday of Stampede at the rodeo! There was much drama and intrigue, including a stand-off between one set of exes, a friendly meeting between another, and a Spansede hook-up with a familiar face. A few weeks have passed and the alcohol has finally worn off, so I feel I can write a proper summary of the events.

So it all started off innocently with lunch at Cilantro. Very classy. Cheese plate, salads and only 2 bottles of Australian Sauvignon Blanc. Then we went to the rodeo. Also started off classy – infield seats, more wine, was all good. Then we switched to beer. Then we went to the infield beer garden where we had more beer. So many plastic cups full in fact that AH and AZ needed help carrying the beer from the bar to the place we were standing a mere 10 metres away. So they recruited some helpers. Turns out, one of the helpers was Yankee Hat Guy! (yes, this city is really that small). He was almost unrecognizable in his sunglasses and cowboy hat – seriously he carried the beers over to us before we realized we kind of knew this guy and his friends. We probably would have figured it out eventually - his winning good looks and extremely white smile gave him away. Plus when SS arrived from another party, he immediately turned up the charm. Much witty conversation ensued. It did almost go completely awry when SS’ ex-husband (let’s call him DB, which may or may not stand for douchebag) showed up, along with the originator of “Spansede", HC’s ex. But both fought through it. When talking to a random 3rd person who asked HC and Mr. Spansede how they knew each other, he very politely replied “we dated for awhile.” 3rd person was impressed at their friendliness. While SS was talking to Mr. Spansede her ex was standing about 5 metres away with his back to her. As I don't have a picture of the event here is my attempt at drawing it - stick figures are about as artistic as I get.

After the back to back standoff, SS decided to be the bigger person, went over and said hello, have a good stampede and off we went. I think he was in shock. SS = 1. DB = 0.

Off we went to Cowboys, the “legendary” tent which has been missing for the past few years in Calgary. More tomfoolery ensued. Ran into RB who was rocking the cowboy fascinator, and who has no recollection of when she and Ryan did the Dirty Dancing lift in the smoking area. AZ’s Norwegian crush LT showed up in fully Stampede regalia, danced like a maniac for an hour, and pulled a houdini, cementing his status as a foreign enigma. Yankee Hat Guy was there, but missing in action, save for his very cryptic email to SS which said, and I quote, “wanna make out?” So then the dance played out and eventually they left … together. I won’t sully my friend’s name by publicly declaring whether or not she was a good hostess, but let’s just say that after day one of Stampede, the score was SS = 2. DB = 0. It should also be noted that while some of my friends tried to claim that they “drank themselves sober” one of them threw up before going to bed and another slept on the hardwood floor in the living room while her husband and cousin looked on and laughed. Oh and Cory threw up on the street.

On Sunday night I went to the Chucks. No horses were harmed, but whoever produced the evening show should probably be. The performers did their best, and I appreciate all the work the Young Canadians put into it, but the attempt to provide a narrative thread (in this case it was the “garden of imagination”) to a mishmash of performances was completely pointless. The Chucks were awesome as usual. In another life I would like to be an outrider.

Tuesday night was the CBA party, which surprisingly doesn’t have any crazy stories, but was still fun. We saw threesome guy, who uncharacteristically kept grabbing our asses. Made us wonder about a potential substance abuse problem. Good news is that we saw him again the next night and he was quite sheepish - I think he was just quite drunk. I saw this guy from back in the day – he was not as alluring as he had been a year and a half ago, but still a nice guy. I did facebook stalk him the next day and confirmed that he has a gfriend. Oh well, like I said, not as endearing as previously thought. DB was standing at the entrance talking to some friends and saw us. Within 3 seconds he had moved further into the party. I think we can now say that SS has the upper hand. SS = 3. DB = 0.

On Wednesday we hit up the Stampede Round-Up. This night was memorable for many reasons, not the least of which is that I finally got to see the band that sings the one country song I know all the words to – “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).” I don’t know that I ever needed to see them live, and to be honest I was too busy drinking free beer and stalking Yankee Hat Guy (of course he was there!) to actually “watch” them, but I appreciate that they were playing in the background. Later on we got to see some equally cheesy pop music when we went the ultimate boy band concert – NKOTBSB! But back to the Fort Calgary party. Oftentimes we are scrambling to get tickets to this event, but this year they magically appeared courtesy of SS and AH. So yes, YHG was fairly easy to spot thanks to his winning good looks and very white smile. His smile is so perfect that we were considering changing his moniker to CC – which represents both the short form of Cheshire Cat and his actual initials – but it seems a bit too obvious. So we will stick with the much more creative YHG. There was much too-ing and fro-ing about how to approach him (even though SS had run into him at another party on Monday night …as I wasn’t there, it’s not included in this very official Stampede summary). Eventually contact was made, but things got a bit awkward when his ex-gf, who is now engaged to someone else, came up to say hello. It should be noted that as the world is so small, his ex used to be friends with SS and was actually invited to SS’s wedding to DB. She didn’t come and they aren’t friends anymore. There’s more drama to the story, but frankly this is getting a big long, so let’s just say, it was uncomfortable for everyone involved and YHG pulled the plug soon thereafter. As a result, SS didn’t leave with him, and came with us to the NKTOBSB concert as planned. We have a friend who is on a first name basis with the NKOTB and actually gave them the cowboy hats that they wore at the concert. She also got us great tickets that enabled us to get this close to the BSB resident bad boy AJ:

The concert was a hoot (I sound like my mom) and we danced and sang along with the boys in all of their cheesy glory. I'd also like to point out I've had "I want it that way" in my head for the past 2 weeks.

So now we find ourselves at Thursday, which also happened to be my bday. Now I’m not really a big birthday person, but for the second year in a row, my birthday happened to fall during stampede, which means everyone is out, so it’s natural to have a party. The problem in this case was that my birthday was at the tail end of stampede (so everyone is tired of going out) and I was super busy at work (I know … who knew?) so it was kind of a pain. But I soldiered through. I managed to sneak out of work to hit my company party, which unsurprisingly, was kind of lame. Then headed to my previous employer’s party, which was actually quite good – helped along by the fact that I’m good friends with many of my former co-workers and there was free booze. Then we wandered over to Cowboys (again), where other people bought me drinks, mostly shots, and I proceeded to get somewhat drunk and belligerent. But this was not entirely unexpected as in the weeks leading up to my big day, when discussing plans, I had sent out an email inviting people to come meet me, but with a qualifier indicating that “I will be drunk and belligerent as I come to terms with the fact that I am the oldest person I know.” That my friends, is a direct quote. And a prophetic one at that. A bunch of peeps were there – all at various stages of drunkenness. Luckily AH and SS had been triple fisting beer and wine at the rodeo and some of my former co-workers had done shots along with me, so while I was still the drunkest one there, at least I had some friends along for the ride. After eating a bucket of mini-donuts that substituted for a cake, I raised my hand, thanked everyone for coming, and declared my birthday to be over. So even though I was home by 11, my 8am meeting the next day was a rough one, and I made it through thanks only to the extra-large fountain pop I picked up at Subway. Needless to say I got a few looks from my colleagues as they sipped their coffee and silently judged me.

And so Stampede was finally over. YHG seems to have disappeared into the ether - if and when he surfaces, I'll be sure to let you know. Either way, I think we can all agree that SS won Stampede this year.

on weddings and swedish berries

It's been awhile since I went on my wedding rule rant (found here). And since then I've been to 3 weddings. For those keeping count, that makes 4 in 8 months. And I just RSVP "no" to one in August. Seriously. This is my life.

I don't really have too much to add to the rules that were previously discussed as all 3 weddings actually followed them very closely. They all had great food, open bar, and very satisfying guest gifts (tea strainer spoon, candy loot bags and cake balls). The speeches were short and sweet at all of them (although at wedding #2 there was errant speech by the mother-of-the-bride read by the aunt-of-the-bride that was not quite as touching as she probably had hoped for), flowers and decor were lovely and not-at-all over the top, and the only ceremony to symbolize their love for each other was the actual ceremony (yes, I'm talking to you mr. made up candle and/or sand ritual).

The groom in wedding #3 was Indian, which made for some fantastic music. I've decided that no matter what ethnicity the man I marry is, we will have definitely be having some of this music playing in the background during dinner and then for a few dances as well. I'm sure it will seem perfectly normal.

Unsurprisingly I didn't really meet any new men at the various weddings. That whole "weddings are a great place to meet singles" is truly a fallacy. Only once in the 17 thousand weddings that I've been to has that actually happened to me. He was cute. He was South African and he wore a kilt as the groom was Scottish. We are now facebook friends and I thoroughly enjoy all of his rugby and cricket updates. At wedding #1 I was the only single girl there. Actually I take that back, HG was there and she was on her own, but only because her husband works in Syria. Yep, you read that right, Syria. Because that's a safe place to be right now. So she was my quasi-date - I got the fish, she got the red meat, we split the dessert. You know the drill.

At wedding #3 I didn't drink enough to hit on any of the young men there (and I really mean young - we're talking mid twenties - tops). At wedding #2 I had kind of a funny moment, especially as it relates to this blog. And the post from June 7th of last year in particular (click here). As pictured above, there was a candy bar at this wedding, which included swedish berries. There was also a Swedish guy there. So I asked him "what do you call these tasty treats in your homeland?" His response? "Candy." Smart ass.

abuse of the ellipsis

So only AH was able to make it to watch the Bachelorette on Monday night and she started of the evening telling me a funny story. On the weekend she was up at her cabin and her cousin Marco was also there. I don’t know if I have mentioned that AH is Greek, but she is and it’s a fundamental part of the story. So at one point Marco was playing with her son (let’s call him “Mikey”) and he had a Bert doll (as in Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street). As he grew up in Greece, he doesn’t know who Bert is, so in his game, Bert was “Mitchell” from the village. When AH asked him what and who the hell he was talking about, he explained that this random doll, with the mono-brow, looked exactly like Dimitri (English name Mitchell) from the small village back in Greece.

Now you may wonder what this has to do with the Bachelorette. Well the connection is tenuous, but it exists. I opined that Ashley would send home mask-guy and Greek guy. But then she picked Constantine first. What? He didn’t say a word the whole episode. English or Greek. Just one of the many moves Ashley made that had us all scratching our heads and wondering what the eff is wrong with her. It also got us wondering what the English name is for Constantine. After some extensive research (i.e. googling “English name for Constantine) it seems the answer is Constantine. Boring.

Moving on. If you look back at my many posts, you will notice that I’m a big fan of the ellipsis. I probably over use it, but I enjoy that when used properly, it can convey something that goes unsaid. I “dated” a guy who used the ellipsis at the end of every sentence in an email and it drove me crazy. I felt like I had to read between the lines to understand what he was saying. At the time, I figured he was the king of double speak. But Bentley’s insistence that his callous departure didn’t have to be goodbye, it could be “dot dot dot” takes the ellipsis to a whole new level and so I crown him the new king of double speak – or in a less polite term – bull shit. That said, I did not feel bad for Ashley as she was crying and talking to herself in bed, as she did it to herself, by believing that he was there for the right reasons and deciding that she was in love with him, after talking to him a total of 4 times. So thank you Chris Harrison stepping in and talking some sense into poor little Ashley. She definitely needed it.

So I would say that JP is still my front runner. He seems like a perfectly lovely, totally crush-worthy guy.* The problem of course is that Ashley is quite boring and has not proven herself to be that smart, so I will be very disappointed if he ends up with her. Much like Chris from Ali’s season, I hope that they don’t end up together and that he goes off into the sunset, away from the spotlight, and doesn’t end up in some ridiculous fame-whoring relationship with an insecure idiot like Ashley.

Why do I watch this show again?

*It should be noted that HC’s new boyfriend (he of the conservative leanings) is also perfectly lovely and totally crush-worthy and his name also happens to be JP. But he has a full head of hair and speaks with a French accent, so we can definitely rule out that it’s the same person. Phewf.

april 29th to may 3rd

Sorry for my absenteeism. I have absolutely no excuse, except that I don’t have much to say these days. I really don’t have anything exciting to report about what has been going on in my life. I continue to be obsessed with the royal wedding, even though it’s over. I think because they gave us a tiny little peak into what is usually an intimate event (i.e. a wedding) and so now I want to be given access to everything else. Plus I love hats. And Prince Harry. SS and I watched together – I stayed over at her house, we set the alarm for 3 am MST, watched the event whilst eating homemade (by SS) scones and clotted cream and drinking mimosas. We watched the ceremony and the carriage ride and then went back to bed around 5:30. Got up again at 9 am and then I re-watched to see what I had missed the previous time, including the double-kiss on the balcony. Here is the scene the couch at approximately 4:20 am.

The afternoon of the wedding, I headed off to Vancouver in search of some greenery and warmth. After the craptastic weather we’ve been having in lovely YYC, I decided a tropical vacation was in order. Unfortunately my wallet only allowed me to get as far as Vancouver. But it was definitely warmer there it I had a very relaxing weekend with KM that consisted of beer, sushi, a ferry ride, burgers, wine, hockey, trivial pursuit and brunch.

Then I came back to two equally dramatic, but very different deaths; those of Osama bin Laden and the Liberal Party of Canada. Both were felled by sneak attacks – the first was killed by a team of NavySeals, while the latter was dealt a death blow by a man with a moustache and a cane. The only positive thing I can say about the election is that at least the Bloc Quebecois now has fewer seats than my car. Beyond that, I should probably refrain from talking about the results as this post could easily devolve into a crazed rant that I don’t really have the time or the energy for. That said, I did enjoy the conversations I had both during and after the election with 2 of my BOFs. What’s a BOF you ask? It’s a Boyfriend-Of-Friend. Knowing that I am political junkie, the male companions of both CG and HC decided to get in touch. Sadly both of them were satisfied, and in HC’s young man’s case downright giddy, with the results. You know what they say - you can pick your friends and you can pick your boyfriends, but you can’t pick your friends’ boyfriends. Although with team dating, we do our darndest. More on that later.

it's the little things pt. 3

So this week has not been stellar, due to a variety of extenuating circumstances involving asshole husbands (not mine), crappy jobs (again not mine), and fathers in the hospital (this time it was mine, but it turns out he's fine). Plus it was colder than it needed to be for April 7th and so I was feeling rather down on my walk home from work. But then, about 3 blocks from home, the sun came out, a great song came onto my ipod (see video below) and I caught the eye of a guy in a car turning right, and he smiled and waved. He was cute too. And unlike this guy, he was wearing a shirt! Plus we have so much in common: he was wearing aviators, I wear aviators; he drove a Subaru, I drive a Subaru; he had a Lake Louise bumper sticker on his car; I was there just a few weeks ago! I think that means we're dating now. Now if only I knew his name ...

grammar nerds unite

It's been awhile since I've read a book in one day (okay not that long, since I was home over the holidays and I burned through the latest Michael Connelly book my dad had been given for Christmas), but last weekend I read The Imperfectionists, which has been glowingly reviewed both here and here. I don't really have a lot to add, except that I thought it was great and enjoyed almost every character's story.

One of my favourite characters is the corrections editor who has compiled what I think would be awesome - a compendium of grammar rules known as The Bible. It contains a list of common errors, stupid acronyms (i.e. GWOT - global war on terror) and rules (like when to use that vs which). I think it would have made a great companion piece to this book. I love it when a sentence is written in a grammatically correct fashion. It's a little quirk of mine for which I can than my mother, as she was something of a grammar nazi when I was growing up. And while I definitely do not always use perfect grammar (in fact there are probably multiple errors in this post alone) I judge people who have poor grammar. There, I said it. It's true. I am a grammar snob and I'm okay with it. Back when I was doing the online dating thing it was a pretty big problem. Typos are forgivable, the improper use of the English language is not. Except of course when it's not your first language. But really, that's the only exception.

So imagine my pleasure when I found out that Friday was National Grammar Day! Seriously, it made my week. And just for your viewing pleasure, here is a video that was making the rounds on Facebook that illustrates my point about the importance of finding a man who appreciates the importance of grammar and spelling. Not to mention steering clear of warthogs.

way to go Brad, you just proved me right

Anyone else notice how prescient* my last post was? In the same way he dismissed Shawntel, Brad got rid of Ashley because she has a career, is driven to succeed and isn’t willing to sacrifice everything to be with him. Shocker. HC and I had a disagreement about this as she insists that they probably just edited out the career talk with the other “ladies.” Well if they did talk about it, I really think ABC should include it. By not showing it they just perpetuate the stereotype that if a woman wants to find true love, she shouldn’t be saddled down by a career and instead should concentrate on making her man happy. But I guess they need the women to fit into certain characters. We have “career driven Ashley”, “tragic single mom Emily” and “will do anything for love Chantal.” While it's true that I’ve never been a fan of Ashley, it still really infuriates me that the girl with the career aspirations is the one who had to go. Although I probably would have sent her home for wearing ridiculous denim diapers, so maybe I’m no less shallow then Brad.

The only other thing I have to say about the episode is why did they bother giving Chantal and Brad a key to the bed-in-a-tree loft thingy? I understand it’s part of the whole “fantasy suite” schtick, but last time I checked it was in the open air, and as such there was no door in which to use the key. You can’t pull a fast one on me, Chris Harrison!

*Are you also impressed at my use of the word prescient? Because I am.

another modern romance

Just in time for Valentine's day, another tale of modern romance. I've talked numerous times about the intracacies of dating in the modern world - with the addition of BBM, old fashion texting, online dating, facebook and google, there are so many ways to interact and discover things about potential mates or exes, that it often makes your head spin. A few weeks ago we had a particularly funny interaction that I thought I would share.

HC's internet ghost had been rather absent ... after the spontaneous trip to Vegas, he was slow in regaining contact and answering only when spoken to. As HC is notoriously in need of a "plan" this lack of purposeful interaction was maddening. So we crafted a BBM to him that would let him know she had noticed his silence but wouldn't be accusatory. These were early days after all. So, what she sent was: "awfully quiet out there ...."

Unfortunately the day she sent it, the city was being hit by a massive blizzard. As such, it was very cold and snowy outside, and as he is a boy, he read it quite literally, and responded (immediately I might add), with "was running errands all morning and it's a ghost town outside."

Not helpful buddy, not helpful at all.

50/50

So two weeks ago HC went on a date with the aforementioned internet ghost. It was a second date and they went to the hockey game. Whilst at said game they bought some 50/50 tickets and they made a deal that if they won, they would book a trip to Vegas the next day. I guess this is standard deal that he makes at every hockey game with his friends. It's a great idea especially because you never expect it to actually happen. And of course it didn't - they did not win the 50/50 draw. But it was still a good date, and sometimes that's a victory in itself.

Flash forward to Friday night. HC and SS are at the hockey game. Dude is there as well with some of his friends, sitting in a corporate box somewhere. They are BBMing and HC is trying to make plans to meet up after the game for a drink. There is some witty banter back and forth and then radio silence. As the relationship is new, she thinks the worst. I go to meet the girls at the Rose and Crown after the game for a bevvie or two. We chat up a few young men. HC meets a guy. Let's call him "Doug." He scans her BB bar code (more on that new twist in dating in another post), and asks her to go for a drink the next day. She says yes, cause who knows what is going on with the other guy. So as we leave she gets a BBM from first guy, wondering where she ended up. Turns out, he disappeared because he and his friends actually won the 50/50. The four of them split $28,000 and immediately booked a trip to Vegas. They left at 7:30 on Saturday morning for 3 days.

Crazy right?

low lights and a wipe

We were lucky this week to have a professional in our midst whilst watching The Bachelor. AH's sister was in town from TO and as she is a make up artist she was able to provide us with inside insight into the great mystery of Michelle's black eye. Her prognosis: FAKE.

Here is how Stacy H came to this (not so) shocking conclusion:

• Exhibit 1: A black eye is ugly. When you wake up with a zit, you cover it up. Same principle with a black eye. Cover that shit up.
• Exhibit 2: A black eye usually comes with some swelling and/or puffiness. When Michelle "woke up" she had colour, but no puff.
• Exhibit 3: A black eye is often accompanied by burst blood vessels in the eye and it eventually turns yellow and green. None of this occurred. In fact, by the time of her "special day" came around, the black eye was miraculously gone. Side note ... since when did they start referring to one-on-one dates as their "special day"? Barf.
• Exhibit 4: As a "hair dresser," Michelle has no doubt worked with makeup artists and knows the tricks of the trade. Stacy's conclusion is that Michelle used a purple matte lipstick to fashion her black eye. And so concludes this episode of CSI: Bachelor.

Now that we've solved that mystery, onto date #1. Chantal was HC's early favourite, but she's quickly falling off her list for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to, the following:

• She was overly concerned about mascara running down her face during their underwater "date." Really?
• When Brad congratulated her on doing a great job underwater, she replied "it's because I've got you." I think the appropriate response to that comment is gag me with a spoon.
• Once they moved into the tent to continue their awkward making out, she thanked god for making it rain. Honey, I'm fairly certain god has more important things than determining the appropriate weather for your date.

Despite the appearance of my favourite silver fox Dr. Drew, the group date was not all that exciting. The only interesting part of the "therapy session" was when Brad said that he wanted to find out if one, or all, were compatible with him. He wants to be compatible with all of them? Since when did The Bachelor turn into Big Love? I know it's ridiculous that he's dating 15 women at the same time, but there's already a reality dating show about polygamy. It's called Sister Wives. Good for him for not giving the dentist the rose though. She seemed drunk and because she has nothing interesting to say (although none of them really do), she just created drama, to no effect.

Speaking of drama, at this point in the evening we took a break (as often occurs, see last week's google session) to discuss whether or not to forward new contact info to an old flame after you have broken up. Remember this guy? Well now that AZ is moving back to YYC, he is sending her random real estate emails and really wants her new contact information. She sees no reason to provide him with it. Nor do I ... clean breaks are good. For example, I recently got a new Blackberry and there is a certain "gentleman" with whom I have a history that has never ended particularly well, and I chose not to send him my new number ... Impressive, non?

I don't have a lot to say about Michelle's date except that we all agreed that she seemed to be taking a page from Kate Hudson's playbook in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. She had this whole fake narcissism thing going on. She freaked out just to get his sympathy and then was composed enough to non-chalantly give him a kiss halfway down where there happened to be a camera. She's a nutjob for sure. But would the show be interesting if she had been sent home in the first few weeks? Probably not. Especially because ABC has taken pains to edit out any of Brad's personality. Either that or he could possibly be the dullest man alive. Plus he talks so damn slowly.

At any rate, it was refreshing to watch the show this week with a neophyte. The rest of us had taken for granted that this is a show worth watching. Having a rookie is a reminder that in reality, the conversations are dull, the drama is contrived, and there are no winners. Well unless of course you count becoming a D-list celebrity and having HC and I follow you on twitter as "winning."

PS - The title of this post comes courtesy of our rookie makeup artist, referring to Emily, aka NASCAR Barbie. The consensus is that she is a pretty girl, but overly made up. She should definitely take Stacy's advice who so wisely stated that she could use "some low lights and a wipe."

PPS - I apologize for the excessive use of quotation marks in my Bachelor recaps ... it just seems so appropriate seeing as nothing is actually real.

PPS - I also apologize for all the links to previous posts. I guess it just goes to show that I've been talking about the same thing and the same people for a year now. Yowza.

daddy issues

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to put all of our comments from last night's Bachelor into a cohesive story line, mainly because our viewing party was interrupted by some fierce googling of HC's latest date as well as some intimate discussions about whether or not a woman's cervix is fixed in place. Please note that the two discussions were not necessarily related.

But even if these conversations were very off-topic they were still much more stimulating than the conversations that Brad had with the ladies. Plus, no one died in our stories. Seriously, why do all the women feel the need to tell Brad about their sob stories as soon as he says hello? It's a bit much, non? And I wonder what Brad's "therapist" would say about the fact that all the women who go on the Bachelor all seem have some sort of daddy issues - an absent father (dentist), a dead one (Chantal, Ashley) or a fatherless child (Emily)?

On to the big events of the evening ...

• We figure the only reason Seal is on the show is because he has like 7 kids at home and is sick and tired of Heidi Klum getting to leave all the time to host project runway or strut her stuff in Victoria's Secret fashion shows. Sadly this was the only option available to him.

• As to AH's big question of the night: "What exactly does Brad's tattoo mean?" Tim had a very concise response: "That he's a douche."

• As we were watching the action film "date" we had two main questions. 1) Did they all go shopping at the same tacky-lululemon-knock-off store? and 2) Do other people watching this think this is a cool idea? Obviously we cringe and question why we watch the show, but do others think, "Hey, this is awesome, I wish I could film a fake action movie that no one will ever see? But no one ever takes me on dates like this. My life sucks."

• HC was trying to recount a funny story about a night we had in Panorama over the holidays, but it was really one of those stories where you had to be there. As she put it, "that story crashed just like Ricky's plane." Harsh but true.

• We still don't know who half the "ladies" are ... name and occupation is insufficient. We need more contextual information. For example it should say Britt, 25, food writer, made out excessively with Brad on the bed during useless blood drive public service announcement. Lisa, 24, wore ruby red shoes on night one, hair is too long, but for some reason it works. Or Lindsay, 25, thank god I have red hair, otherwise no one would remember me.

• Also from now on Christie shall be known as Christie I. Even though we have no other friends named Christie, we will start using the letter I as an homage to our favourite show which always seems to have two Ashleys.

And just in case you were wondering, we never did find any juicy information about HC's date ... according to the interweb, dude is a ghost.

love in an elevator

So I started a new job last week. Great new role with lots of learning opportunities and potential new career paths. But even better than that, it has presented me with a whole new dating pool. The office has an internal facebook-type directory and so as I'm not very busy yet, I spent the better part of my morning intranet stalking a hot guy I saw on the elevator. He got off on the 3rd floor (my office is on the 5th), and so using the vast internal resources provided, I was able to figure out his name, what he does, his phone number, and his approximate age. He's a bit on the young side, but definitely older than Tag. I don't know that our jobs will interact at all, but I definitely need to figure out how to have more meetings on the 3rd floor!

age is just a number

So I have a friend. Let's call her "AZ." She met a guy on NYE at a classy bar called Bud's. Let's call him "Tag." Not sure who disclosed their age first, but he said 28 and she said 31. Perfectly acceptable. Problem is, she is a scant 2 months younger than I am, which actually makes her 34. And as you do in these modern times, I googled him (we knew his first name and his current place of employment), and thanks to a previous career as a player in the WHL, he has an interweb presence: hockey stats are quite thorough - dude was born in 1984. For those of you keeping score, this makes him 26. So while 8 years is not an obscene age difference, it's a bit more significant than just 3 years. That said, nothing scandalous or untoward happened. Innocent flirting is all. Which is good, seeing as he probably still lives at home, and his parents might not appreciate him bringing home a cougar. I'm kidding. We know he doesn't live at home. Or at least we think we do ...

the fish in the sea, so to speak

So here is a little story about why I am choosing not to do any online dating these days. HC just started again. She got matched up with a guy who thinks that the Simpsons and Metallica are the best things to happen to humans. True story. Now I like Metallica as as much as the next gal (remember this?), but when a potential suitor states that Homer Simpson is the person who influenced him the most, I wave the white flag. HC soldiers on. She's a better person than I.

PS - anyone see Glee last night? When Sue Sylvester joins "e-desperate" (which incidentally looks exactly like eharmony), the things she is most passionate about are "extreme taxidermy, tantric yelling, poking the elderly with hidden pins." So good.