don't let the mushrooms fool you

Mushroom farmers do it better 

I really didn't want to like the Bachelorette this season.  I found Emily quite dull when she was "with" Brad, and during her first episode I was very distracted by her teeth.  I think we can all agree that her enamels are way too big for her mouth.  But I persevered (because really, what I else do I have to do these days) and so here are a few observations from this Monday's episode.  The observations were sent to JM over BBM and I've included her responses, where relevant:

1. She looks way better in short dresses than long.  Her formal wear is more often tacky than not.
2. Why does Ryan wear scarves all the time (JM response "because he's a douche).
3. Still love Arie.  So cute when he was all embarassed at the Shakespeare thing.
4. Sean is really cute.
5. Daddy Doug's arms are too big.
6. It's too bad that they don't show more of Alejandro - because I think he's cute.  And I get the impression that he's smart.*
7. Glad Kalon's gone. (JM response "he was a sad excuse for a man")
8. Enjoyed her trash talk - going West Virginia red neck on him. 
9. It's a bit concerning that Ricki thinks dragons live at Buckingham Palace. (JM response "she seems kind of 'special' to me).  
10. JM observation back to me "I like that Jef manned up this week, but I question  if he has the confidence to be with a woman who looks like her."
11. My observation back to her "Also, should we be concerned that he knows what Chloe bag is? (JM response "Excellent Point").  Then we had a side conversation about the value of designer bags because I told her that AZ bought a beautiful Chanel purse on her recent trip to Paris.  That whole trip is worth it's own post, so stay tuned).
12. The preview of Arie kissing her up against a wall it hot.  (JM response "Makes me realize it's been a million years since I got any action.") This of course generated another side conversation about all the duds we've met recently and a debate about whether the fact that Stampede is less than a month away is a good thing or a bad thing when it comes to remedying this situation.  The verdict was that it probably wouldn't result in an uptick on the quality of men on the scene.
13. Just saw an ad for Magic Mike.  We are going to see this movie, correct?  (JM response "affirmative").

* Turns out I was right - he is smart.  Dude has a TED Talk! According to Grantland he's not your average mushroom farmer.  He was named one of the Top 25 Entrepreneurs Under 25, graduated summa cum laude from Berkeley, is a cancer survivor and the mushroom farm is a sustainable, community-focused one that grows mushrooms out of coffee grounds.  I can't believe Emily kept a guy who gave himself the nickname Wolf, but sent Alejandro packing.  And back to observation #12 - shall we take bets on the possibility of meeting a guy like Alejandro during Stampede?  

abuse of the ellipsis

So only AH was able to make it to watch the Bachelorette on Monday night and she started of the evening telling me a funny story. On the weekend she was up at her cabin and her cousin Marco was also there. I don’t know if I have mentioned that AH is Greek, but she is and it’s a fundamental part of the story. So at one point Marco was playing with her son (let’s call him “Mikey”) and he had a Bert doll (as in Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street). As he grew up in Greece, he doesn’t know who Bert is, so in his game, Bert was “Mitchell” from the village. When AH asked him what and who the hell he was talking about, he explained that this random doll, with the mono-brow, looked exactly like Dimitri (English name Mitchell) from the small village back in Greece.

Now you may wonder what this has to do with the Bachelorette. Well the connection is tenuous, but it exists. I opined that Ashley would send home mask-guy and Greek guy. But then she picked Constantine first. What? He didn’t say a word the whole episode. English or Greek. Just one of the many moves Ashley made that had us all scratching our heads and wondering what the eff is wrong with her. It also got us wondering what the English name is for Constantine. After some extensive research (i.e. googling “English name for Constantine) it seems the answer is Constantine. Boring.

Moving on. If you look back at my many posts, you will notice that I’m a big fan of the ellipsis. I probably over use it, but I enjoy that when used properly, it can convey something that goes unsaid. I “dated” a guy who used the ellipsis at the end of every sentence in an email and it drove me crazy. I felt like I had to read between the lines to understand what he was saying. At the time, I figured he was the king of double speak. But Bentley’s insistence that his callous departure didn’t have to be goodbye, it could be “dot dot dot” takes the ellipsis to a whole new level and so I crown him the new king of double speak – or in a less polite term – bull shit. That said, I did not feel bad for Ashley as she was crying and talking to herself in bed, as she did it to herself, by believing that he was there for the right reasons and deciding that she was in love with him, after talking to him a total of 4 times. So thank you Chris Harrison stepping in and talking some sense into poor little Ashley. She definitely needed it.

So I would say that JP is still my front runner. He seems like a perfectly lovely, totally crush-worthy guy.* The problem of course is that Ashley is quite boring and has not proven herself to be that smart, so I will be very disappointed if he ends up with her. Much like Chris from Ali’s season, I hope that they don’t end up together and that he goes off into the sunset, away from the spotlight, and doesn’t end up in some ridiculous fame-whoring relationship with an insecure idiot like Ashley.

Why do I watch this show again?

*It should be noted that HC’s new boyfriend (he of the conservative leanings) is also perfectly lovely and totally crush-worthy and his name also happens to be JP. But he has a full head of hair and speaks with a French accent, so we can definitely rule out that it’s the same person. Phewf.

HC with the win

So the new season of the Bachelorette has begun. I'm trying to fight this weird need I have to watch this damn show. But once again, I get sucked in, even though I said it at the end of Brad's season and I'll say it again - Ashley is incredibly annoying. And according to Tim, definitely not hot enough to get guys to watch the show.

My early fave is JP. I also liked the guy who had the guitar gimmick in the 1st episode, but she got rid of him. I originally liked William, but his dorkiness is killing my desire. There are a bunch of non-descript dark haired guys of whom I have no opinion on thus far. The dates, though have sucked. Eating dinner in the Bellagio fountain surrounded by screaming "fans?" No thanks. A random interpretive dance date? Yuck. And I don't even remember the last one, but I'm sure it was lame. HC didn't watch it with us last night, but she gets the quote of the episode in the BBM she sent me 15 minutes ago: "ABC is running the Guantanamo Bay of dating shows." Took me a minute, but I realized she was making a smart political reference to torture. So wise that one.

I love you, now please go away

So Ali picked Roberto. Boring and Boringer belong together. I hope her hair extensions and his eyebrows are happy for a long long time. I will say that I think it was very classy the way she said goodbye to Chris, saving him from going through the rigamarole of picking a ring, talking into the camera about his hopes and dreams, and getting down on one knee. For that I can almost forgive her super annoying, never ending, giggle. I'm glad he can now go back to his beautiful Cape Cod house, hang out with his dog Jetty (not Jenny ... I looked it up), and drink with his brothers and their wives. And so here is my impassioned plea ...

Dear Chris,*

I really want you to be happy, and I don't think going on a reality show is the way to do it. Please, please, please don't become the next bachelor. You are a great guy and don't deserve the crazies that ABC will inevitably choose to become your potential bride. Everyone loves you right now, so don't ruin that goodwill by signing up for another 15 minutes of fame. No one wants to see you on the cover of US Weekly with some whore proclaiming "your love." Go home. Plant some trees. Play with your dog. Go for a walk on the beach. Throw a frisbee if you must. Find a new hobby. Like skiing for example. Have you ever been to the Canadian Rockies? The snow here is great and it's sunny all the time! I used to teach skiing and I could definitely help you conquer the black diamonds. And then, after we frolic in the snow, you feel like giving me a real diamond, I would not be opposed. If things go sideways (although how that could every happen, I have no idea), I promise not to sell our story to Star Magazine. I will however blog about it (but don't worry, as only 3 people read this blog, no one will really know). So if you're ok with that one condition, we're golden!

That's all I have to say for now. Please keep in mind my advice. I am very wise. And I think your dad would really like me.

All my love,

K

P.S. I promise if we are dating, I won't date anyone else at the same time. Even if he is as cute as Kirk.

* This may or may not be a real letter. The address for his family's landscape company is readily available.

I'm moving to Cape Cod ...

I finally got around to watching the bachelorette last night. There were of course 4 hometown dates, but the only one that matters was visit to Cape Cod to meet Chris's family. I think my feelings are best explained through the 6 texts I sent in quick succession to RB (who unfortunately missed the episode):

• You would die seeing Chris's hometown date. He is so cute. Black lab (named Jenny), rainy walk along the beach, beautiful New England house with porch. OMG.
• His brothers and their wives/girlfriends are awesome too. They all love wine.
• How sad he is that his mom isn't around to meet Ali, but how happy she would be to see him happy. His dad cried when they left.
• The way his jeans fit him OMG. And then he kissed her neck. And then he grabbed it and went in for the kiss. Am DYING.
• If she doesn't pick him, her heart is made of stone.
• Will you come visit me when I move to Cape Cod?

To which she replied "yes I will come visit you, if only to sleep with your husband."

Always nice to know you can count on your friends ...

team vienna

I didn't do a recap of last week's episode, so to quickly get it over with, Rated R you are an idiot. Don't you know that everyone in our country knows each other, and this of course extends to the small community of Canadians who have been involved with the Bachelor/Bachelorette series, so it's not all surprising that "Jessica" would reach out to "Jessie" and they would figure out how to get Chris Harrison's Icelandic cell phone number ... we women are just that resourceful. The only surprise really is that they somehow didn't manage to include that other Canuck Jillian in on the phone call, but I guess she was too busy moving out of Ed's house and back to Kelowna

Ok, on to this week. Really, the 1.5 hour show was just a pre-amble to the big event of the night - the Jake and Vienna split. More on that after the following concise points:

• Pedro (aka Roberto): Dancing in the street, really? And then pulling out the line "are we the only people dancing in the street ... I don't care." Again, really? Ali says he might be too good to be true, but I just say he is too much. Plus he has weird eyebrows.

• Frank: Dude lives with his parents. And probably manages an Old Navy. And he sweats a lot. And whines. And he wears a thumb ring (although this is not as bad as Ty's necklace ... bad man-jewelry is apparently an epidemic on this show). Yet she still wants to make out with him a tree. I just don't get it.

• Ty: According to a direct quote from last week "women can be the heads of major corporations." Thanks tips. Did you also know that women have had the right to vote since 1918?

• Kirk: Even though Ali was "off" the whole day, Kirk was still happy. My favourite quote: "look, horses" as their horse-drawn carriage arrived. And then later that night, when she pulled herself together he managed to be both a cornball and sincere all at the same time. He had a great answer to her ridiculous "how do I know I'll be good enough for you in 5 years?" (we get it, you're insecure. enough already). Unlike Pedro, he just sounds like he means it. I don't think he will make it past next week and this saddens me. He's just so great.

• Chris: As much as I like Kirk, I think I need to give it up to the landscaper. I love how ackward he is when talking about his feelings and then how nervous he was as he pulled the bracelet out of his pocket with the words "I wanted to make sure I liked you enough to give it to you." Cause really, it is so ridiculous when the men show up already in love (ahem Casey and Frank) ... this seemed much more genuine.

Ok, finally on to Jake and Vienna. I will start this off by saying that they are both complete idiots and famewhores. But, I can't believe I'm saying this, she came off smelling like roses where he just ended up behaving like a controlling douche. Dude, just because you can say the words undermine, emasculate and disrespect, doesn't mean that you own the high ground. Can you spell those words? I think not. His publicist should be fired, because he looked like a smug asshole who doesn't know how to use measuring tape.

Enjoy the silence

So I don't really have much to say about this week's bachelorette episode, as it really was the least dramatic rose ceremony ever. Chris N said about 12 words the entire season, so it was no big surprise to see him go. And while I enjoyed the visual of Ali and the Wrestler leaving Kasey behind on the glacier, it didn't really compare to when Jillian kicked Robby off a train somewhere between Golden and Lake Louise. I will say however that Rated-R should change his name to Iceland-ICK ... cause really, he was just being an ass.

But on to Kirk, who I am crushing on and now realize I made fun of in the first episode because he brought a scrapbook. I take it back - Kirk, I will go sweater shopping with you anytime, and please feel free to take pictures and put them in a book with puffy stickers and shooting stars. I will glady accept your scrapbook creation. Plus the asbestos story was great and felt real, not at all some sort contrived story made up by ABC to bring the drama. Plus it brought me back to my youth ... When I was in grade 7 I was supposed to go see Depeche Mode. It was to be the first concert I went to without my parents (my first concert period was a few years earlier - Whitney Houston). But then, Dave Gahan et al refused to perform at the arena because the ceiling contained asbestos. The concert was cancelled and I was crushed ... I have yet to see them live and would love to some day. Maybe Kirk will take me?

to guard and protect

Dear potential suitors,

Please find below a few notes on the dos and don'ts of our relationship:

1. Never, ever, refer to me as a butterfly. In person or off camera.
2. My heart does not need to be guarded or protected. Saying it over and over again won't help your cause.
3. Please don't spontaneously break into song - with or without guitar. But if you must sing (i.e. we're auditioning for a Broadway show), please sing directly into my eyes. They are the window to the soul after all.
4. Don't ask me to jump into your heart. And definitely don't ask me to stay there awhile.
5. If I am sick and surrounded by other men who I obviously don't want to talk to, please take me out of my misery, walk me to my hotel room and tell me a bedtime story (preferably a dirty one).
6. If it's your birthday, and I had planned a great date, but then I get sick, the right thing to do is bring me flowers and soup. This kind gesture will pay off for you eventually (i.e. you will get a hometown date).
7. If you are a weatherman, stop using your meteorological knowledge in pun-form. It does not make you seem clever, it just reinforces the fact that you are an idiot.
8. Don't get a tattoo with a heart, a sword, a rose, a medieval knight, a dagger, a horse or any other ugly image that symbolizes your attempt to protect me. Getting permanent ink does not make you genuine, it just makes you creepy. One that has 11 diamonds to represent the random 11 men that ABC selected to make a TV show is not touching, it's frightening.
9. If you insist on getting a tattoo, please get one of your recently passed mother's signature across your chest. Now that is genuine. Telling me that you see her in rainbows will also melt my heart.

So there you have it - it is not a complete list, but it should get you started. By following the simple rules posted above, we will be well on our way to making a connection ... I can't wait to go on this amazing journey with you.

Yours truly,

K

Pedro's got my vote*

Some quick thoughts on Monday's bachelorette episode ...

• For some reason, I keep wanting to call Roberto Pedro. Makes no sense, but there it is. And so he shall be named.


• Steve looks too much like his namesake Steve Guttenberg and so he was just a blip on the show ... much like the original Guttenberg was just a blip on the Hollywood scene.**


• Continuing on with the 80s Hollywood stars look alike theme, the Weatherman totally reminds me of an awkward early Tom Cruise. This is not a good association. In the words of my wise friend RB "I could not dislike the Weatherman more."


• I miss Steven Page - his harmonies were the only thing that made the BNL interesting.


• I am all over Chris L's tattoo and the meaning. His mouse hunting is awesome too. I want to go to there.


• I would definitely roll around in bed with Kirk anytime, anywhere. I also enjoyed the requisite hot tube kiss. Love that he was the first one. In the wise words of Jillian Harris - she popped his hot tub cherry.
  
• Hunter + Ali's date = snooze ville ... I actually fast forwarded most of it.
  
• Did anyone else notice that back at the house Craig was drinking straight from a full bottle of wine? I think he would be a fun drunk and I recommend that ABC show more of that.
  
• I don't have much to say about Rated R's trip to Ali's "house," but I do concede that it was a dick move to lie about it and make pointed comments about it.


• There were two ridiculous outfits at the rose ceremony. Once again Ali had crap-tastic style. That dress would have been way cuter had it been short. And Jesse, with the jean-on-jean? Round here that is known as an Alberta Tuxedo and it is definitely not a compliment.

Once again I had to watch this episode all by myself ... it is way more fun to watch it with the girls and I hope next week we can all watch it together! The comments will be way funnier then. I promise.

*sort of - dude says all the right things and she's obviously into him, but I think I like Chris L more ... and maybe Kirk too?

**In doing my in-depth research for this post I just learned that it was recently announced that there is to be another sequel to Three Men and A Baby ... According to this article, it is highly anticipated. That might be an overstatement. Tentative title = Three Men and A Bride. Insert your groan here.

thank god for mr. dangerous ...

'cause really, if Craig M hadn't been such an enormous a-hole, what would there have been to talk about back at the house? And while the guy is a definite jerk, I think he was totally legit in calling out The Weatherman's white jacket ... it was bad. Really bad.

So it seems Ali took my advice, because her outfits were much improved on episode 2 ... she seemd much more natural in her tank top and converse, and she took a page from Jillian's playbook and went with a cute cocktail dress for the rose ceremony. Even the long Vegas dress was more acceptable. Although I was slightly distracted by Jesse - dude can rock a suit, not to mention a swimsuit. I think she's keeping him around solely for his looks. Not that I'm complaining.

As for the date with Frank to the Hollywood sign, am very curious about the car breakdown. Could Frank not have at least attempted to show his manhood by popping the hood and pretending to try to fix it? Who went to the highway to retrieve it? Please tell me it was Chris Harrison. And why is Frank so relunctant to tell us what sort of store he manages? I would also like to point out that Ali totally lied when she said that no one gets to go to the Hollywood sign. She obviously doesn't remember the graduation scene in the original 90210 when the crazy kids from West Bev managed to reconfigure the sign for their senior prank, as evidenced here (the reveal is at 5:04):




As for the beach date, I gotta say that I am embarrassed for the female species that once again, a bachelorette fell for the guitar move. Enough with the guitar, it's really not that sexy. I also still don't know who half the guys are. The guy that was helping The Weatherman into his speedo was pretty ripped. I think his name was Steve? There was a guy with a green shirt later that night ... no idea of his name, but he got a rose, not sure why. And poor Vancouver guy - not only did they not show his one-on-one time during the group date, he didn't even get an exit interview after getting the boot. Poor form.

I still think Chris L needs to mention his dead mother and move back to Cape Cod - Ali has a really good sad/pout face that I'm sure ABC would love to show more of. And while I've always known that the bachelorette doesn't pick who she goes on dates with, this episode certainly proved it. Had she had her choice, she would definitely have picked Roberto for a solo date, because whenever she's around him, she effectively goes mute. Like the salsa last episode, the baseball was a nice touch. He's a catch for sure (get it?). I also like Kirk - he's cute, but I need more information beyond just the shot of his abs. Not that I'm complaining.

My one suggestion for next episode is that they don't show anymore of The Weatherman - while Ali appreciated that he had her back, he's not that entertaining and is taking up way too much screen time. Plus he seemed to be drinking vodka crans. Not feeling it. ABC would be advised to show less of him and spend more time showing us the men relaxing by the pool at home; sans shirts s'il-vous-plait.

shooter, we hardly knew 'ya

After the Jake Pavelka debacle, I swore off the Bachelor series ... but then it showed up again and I realized that I didn't swear off of it, so much as the show went off the air and I couldn't wait for it to start again. Plus I realized that like the Bachelorette version way better. The men are just more fun - not as ridiculous (usually) and much nicer to look at (Reid and Kyptin, I'm talking to you!). So here are my initial thoughts (aka catty judgments) on the premiere episode:

First off, Ali needs a new stylist. She should definitely cut her hair - it is way too brassy and thin to be that long. She looks way better when her hair is up, so I decree that she get a bob. Next she should avoid ball gowns/prom dresses/bridesmaid outfits at all costs - the dress she was wearing as she greeted the limos was horrible. It looked like she was wearing a purse on her ass. The outfits she wore in her introduction video when she discussed how she was there for the right reasons, choosing love over work, looking plaintively into the sunset, blah, blah, blah, were much better.

As for the men:
- Frank was a bit crazy, all bug-eyed and jumping out of the limp. He said that he had quit his job as a highpowered M&A guy to be a screenwriter, but underneath his name it said he was a "retail manager." I took this to mean that he works as a shift supervisor at Moore's Menswear.
- Craig gave all Canadians a bad name with his ridiculous hair and pompous attitude. That said, I liked his tie. While I'm surprised Ali kept him, I'm thinking perhaps he is an ABC plant is being kept to bring the drama. I also didn't understand why they used the Toronto skyline when dude is from Sarnia ... I guess smokestacks and tract housing don't make for quality tv?
- Kasey has got to go ... buddy is way too over-eager. He kept on saying how he wanted to guard her heard - what does that even mean? It's protected by her rib cage, she doesn't need a kid named Kasey. The 3 of us watching also decided that he might have been deaf at some point as he had a bit of a weird speech thing going on ... or maybe it's just that he talks way too quickly?
- Jesse - the guy from Peculiar, Montana. His intro speech was lame, but he was rocking the 3-piece suit, which I love, so he can stay.
- Kirk - he's kind of like the male version of Tenley. But instead of dancing, he scrapbooks.
- Hunter played the ukulele, an instrument to which I take no exception. His song was pretty good too, althought it would have been better if he had somehow been able to incorporate Wes's "they say love don't come eaaaaaassssssyyyyyy ..." lyrics
- Roberto's dimples definitely give him an advantage - I pick him for final 2
- Chris L is my other pick. Black labs, beach-side property, sob story about his mother. I'm all over it.
- It was really too bad that Shooter led with the premature ejaculation story, because he was pretty cute.
- There were a few others whose names escape me, but am I ever glad she got rid of the lawyer in the powder blue suit with the bad hair because he was just awful. The guy from Vancouver was cute too, but he had some weird hair gel malfunction which made it look like had bangs. Not sure how I feel about Rated-R - not a fan of the soul patch, but I do feel that he didn't get a fair shake from the other guys. How can you not like a fake wrestler with a heart of gold, who speaks a mysterious slavic language with his grandmother?

I am sure I will thoroughly enjoy this season, especially when Ali gets a new stylist. I volunteer my services.