Please find below a few notes on the dos and don'ts of our relationship:
- Never, ever, refer to me as a butterfly. In person or off camera.
- My heart does not need to be guarded or protected. Saying it over and over again won't help your cause.
- Please don't spontaneously break into song - with or without guitar. But if you must sing (i.e. we're auditioning for a Broadway show), please sing directly into my eyes. They are the window to the soul after all.
- Don't ask me to jump into your heart. And definitely don't ask me to stay there awhile.
- If I am sick and surrounded by other men who I obviously don't want to talk to, please take me out of my misery, walk me to my hotel room and tell me a bedtime story (preferably a dirty one).
- If it's your birthday, and I had planned a great date, but then I get sick, the right thing to do is bring me flowers and soup. This kind gesture will pay off for you eventually (i.e. you will get a hometown date).
- If you are a weatherman, stop using your meteorological knowledge in pun-form. It does not make you seem clever, it just reinforces the fact that you are an idiot.
- Don't get a tattoo with a heart, a sword, a rose, a medieval knight, a dagger, a horse or any other ugly image that symbolizes your attempt to protect me. Getting permanent ink does not make you genuine, it just makes you creepy. One that has 11 diamonds to represent the random 11 men that ABC selected to make a TV show is not touching, it's frightening.
- If you insist on getting a tattoo, please get one of your recently passed mother's signature across your chest. Now that is genuine. Telling me that you see her in rainbows will also melt my heart.
So there you have it - it is not a complete list, but it should get you started. By following the simple rules posted above, we will be well on our way to making a connection ... I can't wait to go on this amazing journey with you.
Yours truly,
K
No comments:
Post a Comment