ghost monkeys and catfish sex

So on Tuesday night I saw the weirdest fucking movie I have ever seen in my life. CG and I have a tendency to go see obscure foreign films, and more often than not, they end up being great. This one? Not so much. All signs pointed to an intriguing mystical film – it won the Palme D’Or at Cannes, was named the best Asian film of the year and got 4 stars from the Globe and Mail.

I did not get it. Ostensibly the story is about a dying man recalling his past lives as well as those people he had lost in his current life. A Buddhist story of death if you will. I think karma was supposed to be one of the themes. I don’t know what kind of bad karma I’m carrying around that meant I had to be punished by sitting through 2 hours of painful Thai cinema. Ugh.

In one of his past lives Boonmee was a water buffalo, and in another he was either a princess, a slave, or a catfish. This particular flashback was definitely one of the weirdest ones as the princess rejected the slave, so he then morphed into a catfish, started talking, convinced the princess to enter the pond and then began orally pleasuring her. For reals. Back in real time, Boonmee’s wife, who died 14 years earlier, returned one evening while he was eating dinner with his sister-in-law and his nephew. The dead wife sat down and drank some water. Then the reunited family was visited by a “ghost monkey” who looked a lot like Chewbacca, but with red eyes. Turns out the monkey was their long lost son (who went missing one day - Boonmee explained to his wife that he had spent a whole afternoon looking for him). Well it turns out the missing son was taking pictures of the ghost monkeys he found in the trees and then mated with one, and as a result he too had become a ghost monkey. No one seemed too surprised at this turn of events. They then went for a walk, ended up in a cave, and Boonmee died, surrounded by ghost monkeys. His nephew climbed out of the cave, went back to town and became a monk. Then the monk took a shower, watched some tv, somehow exited his own body and went to a karaoke bar. And … scene. End of movie.

There were also some subplots involving the Thai military, communism and Laotian immigrants, but even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could figure out how they fit into the story and what their meaning actually was. I recognize that when the director talks about movies being too shallow these days, he is probably referring to people like me who watch The Bachelor and Jersey Shore, but come on people. This is a bit much. The reviews say it’s mystical and amusing. It was neither. In addition to my shameful reality tv addition, I also enjoy more significant “films” that make you think and question your reality. I hate to give myself too much credit, but if CG and I can’t find any pleasure or meaning in the movie, I have a hard time believing the rest of the population will. Seriously, this movie was dumbfounding to me.

All that to say, I do not recommend this movie. Unless of course you have a strong desire to see a woman experience orgasm thanks to the efforts of a talking catfish. In that case, go nuts.

And of course, if you've ever wondered what a ghost monkey looks like, please see the above picture.

poetry + politics

So the biggest news of late is that Harper’s second minority parliament has fallen and as a result, we are facing an election in a little over a month. They tell me it’s our 4th in 7 years. They also tell me that most people are fed up with these non-stop elections. Gotta say, I’m actually okay with it, and not only because we all know where my political leanings lie. It’s so easy to fall back on the democracy is a privilege argument, but I’m gonna do it. When you see what’s happening in other parts of the world, you have to be thankful that when a government falls in Canada it’s not because our leader has penchant for violence - instead it’s because his parliamentary colleagues have lost confidence in his government.

Because I am a complete dork, I have created this little diddy in honour of the upcoming campaign and our 41st federal election:

E is for election, our 4th in seven years,

L is for lazy, defined by Harper and his coalition fears.

E is for Elizabeth May, who has no hope in hell,

C is for contempt, which is how Harper fell.

T is for the truth, which is forever being bent.

I is for Iggy, whose support is less than 30 per cent.

O is for offensive, as I’m sure the ads will be, and

N is for the New Democrats who will end up number three.

I recognize it’s not a perfect poem. But as our parliamentary system is not perfect (proportional representation anyone?), I feel it’s apt. I'll try to be more eloquent (like this) as the campaign rolls on, but for now hopefully this attempt at rhyming will suffice.

Incidentally I wrote this while watching the Junos last night. Anyone else watch the opening scene and laugh out loud? Lloyd Robertson playing Call of Duty? Drake and the Biebs serenading each other with "I Will Remember You"? Come on ... Hilarious! Plus Arcade Fire swept the awards. Of course they did, because, as previously discussed, they are awesome!

silver foxes > cougars

This past weekend I learned a valuable lesson from my friend PT: Cross country skiing is a lot like a horror movie - always remember to look behind you. Why you ask? Because you never know what is happening when your back is turned. In a horror movies, it's inevitably a serial murderer. When cross country skiing, it's beautiful scenery. Like this:

We were lucky. There very well could have been a cougar behind us, hidden somewhere in that breathtaking view. Being cougar smart is very important, as delineated by the brochure in our hotel room. In case you were wondering what a cougar smart brochure looks like, here it is:

It's a bit hard to read, but it basically says that cougars can attack at any time, even when you think you are safe and sound inside the local pub. They're everywhere. The only way to protect yourself is to protect the jugular and get into a fetal position. It also helps if you don't hang out with unsuspecting men in their twenties.

We did see some other wildlife on our ski though. Some silver foxes, which as you know are a personal weakness of mine. All in all a great day, which was part of a great girls weekend, filled with details that can't be shared here, but rest assured there were a lot of laughs.

and so it ends ...

So Brad's journey has finally come to an end. I'd love to say that I'm really going to miss his stilted delivery and wooden personality, but really all I care about are his abs and his wonderfully coiffed almost-beard.

Due to a PVR glitch, we watched out of order, and in two different locations. Long story. So as the action was slightly disjointed, our conversation was as well. As a result I will only be able to talk about my thoughts on the main characters (I know they are supposed to be real people, but come on), as opposed to the actual happenings of the show:

Brad – As he did throughout the season, he tried his best to be honest and a good guy, and I will say that he came off fairly well. I do think that he should have thrown Chantal a bone though when talking about why he kept her around. Saying she deserved to be there was a bit harsh. Dude could have said that he enjoyed her company and felt something rather than totally dismiss their “journey.” But I guess his super insecure maybe-fiancee Emily would have had a few issues with that story line. And we all agreed that that homeboy can rock a Henley. I decree that he should wear one at all times.

Emily – Unsurprisingly, she looked much better after the final rose than she did at the proposal. Looks like she took Stacey’s advice and went for the low lights and a wipe! Her dress was still pretty bad. But not as bad as the one she wore for the proposal. That particular dress was only memorable because it had no feathers (yep, I'm talking to you Chantal). This is not saying much. While being interviewed by Chris, we all agreed that while her honesty was appealing, she needs to get over how she was portrayed on the show (i.e. tragic-single mom). Her insecurities were almost as unflattering as her outfit.

Chantal – I did feel bad for the girl. Not only for being rejected by Brad but for announcing on national television that she's in love again. I guarantee it won't last and ABC will lock her up for the season of the Bachelorette that premiers in May 2012. Two good things I will say though is that a) she had a dignified exit after the rejection and b) she wouldn't let Brad get away with pretending he didn't have feelings for her. What I can’t get behind was her outfit on the final day … too much going on with the feathers, the flowers, the prom girl hair, the stacked bracelets, the earrings. Bad styling period. She looked better at the ATFR, but really only in comparison to Emily’s bad weird French Maid outfit.

Chad – Dare I say he was hotter that Brad? He also seemed smarter, but that might have been because he didn’t talk nearly as slowly. But his brother Wes was definitely the brains of the operation …

Wes – We determined that Wes was the brainy one, if only because he was the least attractive of the Womack brothers. But he seemed way more fun than the other two. We figure he’s got to be a good time if only to make up for his shortcomings as the “ugly”brother. Everyone copes in their own way.

Dylan/Prima – They played their roles as mute wives perfectly. They said nothing except that they wanted Brad to pick Emily because they can't relate to single childless women. Imagine if he had brought over one of the ladies with a career? They would have fallen off of their chairs!

Momma Womack – I'm assuming Brad's mom had name, but as it wasn't something unique like Prima, I have no idea what it was. But she played her part well and that’s all I have to say about her.

Chris Harrison – In our dis-jointed viewing, did we miss the part where he gave Brad a pep-talk? Is I just me or did he do far less this season than in past … maybe because of the presence of Brad’s therapist, but seriously the only thing he did in the finale was escort the “ladies” to the proposal. And I’m guessing drink plenty of Ernie Els’s wine. Seriously – best job in TV.

Ashley H – She was announced as the new Bachelorette. I am not impressed. She was super annoying on Jimmy Kimmel. Bad outfit, bad clapping, bad laugh. Will be hard pressed to make myself watch. There better be some fine young man on her season (a la Chris). Otherwise I might just have to skip the next few months until The Bachelor Pad premieres.

it's all about the map

So just in time for tomorrow's Bachelor finale, I had planned to finally post last week's recap. But I spent the day skiing at Lake Louise and I'm very tired, so I can't really be bothered. Luckily, last week I had to take a plain language writing class. One of the exercises we had to do was a non-linear outline or a mind map for a project we were currently working on. And while I am finally busy at work, I'm not busy doing lots of writing. So instead I chose to do a mind map for my weekly bachelor post. Maybe not the most professional choice, but it was fun to do. Thank jaysus I did not need to read it aloud. But I did share it with my small group, and I'm pretty sure only one co-worker has lost all respect for me, and that's ok because he wears ugly shoes and we will never be friends. So here's a picture of it - it gives you a general outline of what I would have chosen to write about, were I not so effing tired ... goddamn you daylight savings time!

grammar nerds unite

It's been awhile since I've read a book in one day (okay not that long, since I was home over the holidays and I burned through the latest Michael Connelly book my dad had been given for Christmas), but last weekend I read The Imperfectionists, which has been glowingly reviewed both here and here. I don't really have a lot to add, except that I thought it was great and enjoyed almost every character's story.

One of my favourite characters is the corrections editor who has compiled what I think would be awesome - a compendium of grammar rules known as The Bible. It contains a list of common errors, stupid acronyms (i.e. GWOT - global war on terror) and rules (like when to use that vs which). I think it would have made a great companion piece to this book. I love it when a sentence is written in a grammatically correct fashion. It's a little quirk of mine for which I can than my mother, as she was something of a grammar nazi when I was growing up. And while I definitely do not always use perfect grammar (in fact there are probably multiple errors in this post alone) I judge people who have poor grammar. There, I said it. It's true. I am a grammar snob and I'm okay with it. Back when I was doing the online dating thing it was a pretty big problem. Typos are forgivable, the improper use of the English language is not. Except of course when it's not your first language. But really, that's the only exception.

So imagine my pleasure when I found out that Friday was National Grammar Day! Seriously, it made my week. And just for your viewing pleasure, here is a video that was making the rounds on Facebook that illustrates my point about the importance of finding a man who appreciates the importance of grammar and spelling. Not to mention steering clear of warthogs.

way to go Brad, you just proved me right

Anyone else notice how prescient* my last post was? In the same way he dismissed Shawntel, Brad got rid of Ashley because she has a career, is driven to succeed and isn’t willing to sacrifice everything to be with him. Shocker. HC and I had a disagreement about this as she insists that they probably just edited out the career talk with the other “ladies.” Well if they did talk about it, I really think ABC should include it. By not showing it they just perpetuate the stereotype that if a woman wants to find true love, she shouldn’t be saddled down by a career and instead should concentrate on making her man happy. But I guess they need the women to fit into certain characters. We have “career driven Ashley”, “tragic single mom Emily” and “will do anything for love Chantal.” While it's true that I’ve never been a fan of Ashley, it still really infuriates me that the girl with the career aspirations is the one who had to go. Although I probably would have sent her home for wearing ridiculous denim diapers, so maybe I’m no less shallow then Brad.

The only other thing I have to say about the episode is why did they bother giving Chantal and Brad a key to the bed-in-a-tree loft thingy? I understand it’s part of the whole “fantasy suite” schtick, but last time I checked it was in the open air, and as such there was no door in which to use the key. You can’t pull a fast one on me, Chris Harrison!

*Are you also impressed at my use of the word prescient? Because I am.