call me maybe

It's a good song in theory.  Catchy and simple.  Its evilness lies of course in the fact that it is grammatically incorrect, was played non-stop all summer and that it encourages you to do stupid things like actually give someone your number in the hope that they will call you maybe.

I bring this up now because a few weeks ago I went out with RB, MZ and KF.  I would like to say that it all started off innocently, but RB and I hadn't had a night out together in awhile and I had spent 2 weeks in Prince George (don't ask) so we were both looking to go out on a rippy tear (my mother's words).  But it quickly went off the deep end when I had 2 strong margaritas from Ox and Angela before food arrived.

We ran into some friends of mine, one of whom is a man about town and so I blame him for everything that happened that night.  And by everything, I really mean only one thing.  That one thing being that we ended up at a bar, where a DJ I sort of know and kind of have a crush on, was playing and for some reason (those reasons of course being tequila, RB and man about town referenced above) I decided to write my name, my number and the words "I'm all shook up" on a napkin and give it to said DJ.  I promptly ran out of the bar as quickly as possible.

Needless to say I have not heard from him and I will never return to that bar.

silver foxes > cougars

This past weekend I learned a valuable lesson from my friend PT: Cross country skiing is a lot like a horror movie - always remember to look behind you. Why you ask? Because you never know what is happening when your back is turned. In a horror movies, it's inevitably a serial murderer. When cross country skiing, it's beautiful scenery. Like this:

We were lucky. There very well could have been a cougar behind us, hidden somewhere in that breathtaking view. Being cougar smart is very important, as delineated by the brochure in our hotel room. In case you were wondering what a cougar smart brochure looks like, here it is:

It's a bit hard to read, but it basically says that cougars can attack at any time, even when you think you are safe and sound inside the local pub. They're everywhere. The only way to protect yourself is to protect the jugular and get into a fetal position. It also helps if you don't hang out with unsuspecting men in their twenties.

We did see some other wildlife on our ski though. Some silver foxes, which as you know are a personal weakness of mine. All in all a great day, which was part of a great girls weekend, filled with details that can't be shared here, but rest assured there were a lot of laughs.

safety first

So as previously mentioned I recently started a new job. Here is some sample training material from said new job:

"An inexperienced float plane passenger attempting to assist the pilot to dock is exposed to extreme danger from the rotating propeller."

Hmm. Not sure what I've gotten myself into ....

the fish in the sea, so to speak

So here is a little story about why I am choosing not to do any online dating these days. HC just started again. She got matched up with a guy who thinks that the Simpsons and Metallica are the best things to happen to humans. True story. Now I like Metallica as as much as the next gal (remember this?), but when a potential suitor states that Homer Simpson is the person who influenced him the most, I wave the white flag. HC soldiers on. She's a better person than I.

PS - anyone see Glee last night? When Sue Sylvester joins "e-desperate" (which incidentally looks exactly like eharmony), the things she is most passionate about are "extreme taxidermy, tantric yelling, poking the elderly with hidden pins." So good.

on your special day, please remember these simple rules

I’ve been to a lot of weddings in my day, as both guest and member of the bridal party. I’m 34 years old and I really feel like I’ve seen it all. One year I was invited to 7. That’s my highest tally so far (I think I went to 5 of them). This year it has been only two. So I think I can make an educated list on things that work and don’t work - a quick hit of things that can potentially make or break a wedding. I recognize that we all can't be super creative, but there is a fine line between tradition and cliches. I suggest you avoid the cliches. It's not that hard. I just urge you to consider the following observations. Take ‘em or leave ‘em, but remember, I am very wise.

• Unless you get married on a beach, there should be no sand. I don’t know who invented the sand ceremony, but it seems to me, the symbolism is completely made up.
• A live singer for the ceremony is not a bad idea, but please make sure he or she is on key.
• When choosing music for the ceremony, might I recommend that it be a new take on an old classic or a cool song that is reinterpreted for wedding purposes. Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This” is not appropriate processional material.
• Unless it’s dark outside, may I suggest no candles. The unity candle is up there with the sand ceremony as something that makes no sense. Why do you need a candle or sand to represent the pledge of unity between the bride and groom. Isn't just saying your vows enough to indicate that you are united? Lighting a candle in a church to represent those loved ones who have passed away is the exception to this rule. But only in a church.
• Flowers need to be real. (You would think this would go without saying, but surprisingly I’ve seen it).
• Corinthians? Really? You couldn’t find anything else about love and what it means?
• A ceremony that lasts less than 15 minutes is encouraged. While your guests may be happy to watch you declare your love in front of god, man and the state, we’re really here for the party.
• If you insist on getting married outside, and it's not June, July or August,might I suggest that you allow your bridesmaids to wear fur. Faux or not, it’s up to you. But really, setting them up for pneumonia will not encourage a life long friendship.
• There is a a time and a place for 22 stories about the happy couple’s many adventures. It’s called a rehearsal dinner.
• Five speeches tops - bride’s family, groom’s family, best man, maid of honour, couple. Exceptions can be made if the speeches are short and extremely clever. Only in this case can more people step up to the microphone.
• Space the speeches appropriately. When dinner starts at 6, the last speech being completed by 10:40 is unacceptable. There are no exceptions to this rule.
• Remember to provide good/plentiful food for your bridal party all day - from the morning hair appointment through to the 800 photos. There is nothing worse than a ravenous, drunken bridesmaid in a bad dress who resents the bride. Recipe for disaster. And a ridiculously high bar bill.
• I understand that head tables are tradition and that you want your wedding party to feel important, but sitting on a pedestal so that everyone can watch you eat, stuck talking to the same people you’ve been hanging out with all day, is really not fun. A table dedicated to the wedding party is totally fine, just let it be amongst the guests, not isolated from the party.
• Do not stick more than two single girls at the wedding at the same table, surrounded by couples. Get ready for some resentful single friends, getting ridiculously drunk. Luckily they will be wearing dresses they actually picked out so will not be as resentful as the aforementioned underfed and pneumatic bridesmaids.
• Open bar. We’re in our 30s. We should not be paying for our drinks. Invite fewer people if necessary. Your great uncle does not need to come. I do however need a free gin and tonic.
• Slideshows are totally acceptable. That said, they can’t go on for longer than 10 minutes. Especially if you’ve been together for less than a year. Repeated pictures are not allowed. Embarrassing photos are encouraged. Also, please include pictures of your friends. Four minutes of the bride and groom is too much - we’ve been staring at you all day, seeing how we fit into your life makes us feel like we’re actually engaged in the process.
• A good live band is always welcome.
• Invite friends who can do the worm or will at least attempt the manoevre. A breakdance circle is also strongly encouraged.
• Final rule. Return of the Mack needs to be on the playlist.

I recognize that this list might come back to haunt me should I ever get married. But I stick to it for now, and I reserve the right to edit as needed. Besides, someday it could make for great speech material!

a modern romance

How's this for a modern tale of romance, with the requisite life lessons:

Boy and girl meet at Christmas staff party in Toronto. Boy and girl fall in love. Girl spends a few months working at the Olympics in Vancouver. Boy visits often. Girl goes back to Toronto. Boy gets transferred to Calgary. Girl stays in Toronto. Boy and girl date long distance, travelling back and forth or meeting in various cities in between. Families are introduced. Girl spends time at boy's family farm. Girl seeks transfer back to Calgary. Boy and girl make plans to build a house together. Boy and girl get in big fight in Invermere because he has ridiculous friends and is apparently very stubborn. In late September, boy goes to Toronto for work and stays with girl. For 4 days everything is fine and then they discuss said housing situation while watching Glee. It doesn't go well. So during a commercial break, because boy does not know how to handle an adult relationship with all of its various nuances, breaks up with girl. Two weeks later they do the ritual exchange of stuff. Five days after that, girl's friend's co-worker shows said friend (that would be me) her eharmony matches. One of them is boy. Yep, the same boy. This really happened.

So the question is, does girl have the right to be pissed at boy? On the one hand, they are broken up and so in theory he can do whatever he wants. On the other hand, eharmony? Really? This is how you're moving on? Go on a date. Meet some random at a bar. Don't go shopping for a replacement girlfriend, 10 days after you've just broken up. And don't think she won't find out about it.

So in this modern tale of romance, there are no winners. There are however valuable lessons. One - boys are dumb. Two - breakups are never easy. And three, as shown time and time again, the world is just too damn small.

cake disaster

Remember my pie success? Well, tonight I had the opposite problem. I was so confident in my cake making abilities that I had 3+ glasses of wine before making my signature chocolate chip cake for the United Way bake sale at work tomorrow. I love this cake. My mom used to make it for me on my birthday. I can pretty much make it from memory and whenever I bring it somewhere it's a big hit. Tonight I failed. Miserably. It didn't rise. I didn't have enough flour, but figured it would be ok. I was wrong. I'm pretty sure that no one will want to pay anything for it and so will not help raise any money for charity. Lesson learned - don't drink and bake.