ghost monkeys and catfish sex

So on Tuesday night I saw the weirdest fucking movie I have ever seen in my life. CG and I have a tendency to go see obscure foreign films, and more often than not, they end up being great. This one? Not so much. All signs pointed to an intriguing mystical film – it won the Palme D’Or at Cannes, was named the best Asian film of the year and got 4 stars from the Globe and Mail.

I did not get it. Ostensibly the story is about a dying man recalling his past lives as well as those people he had lost in his current life. A Buddhist story of death if you will. I think karma was supposed to be one of the themes. I don’t know what kind of bad karma I’m carrying around that meant I had to be punished by sitting through 2 hours of painful Thai cinema. Ugh.

In one of his past lives Boonmee was a water buffalo, and in another he was either a princess, a slave, or a catfish. This particular flashback was definitely one of the weirdest ones as the princess rejected the slave, so he then morphed into a catfish, started talking, convinced the princess to enter the pond and then began orally pleasuring her. For reals. Back in real time, Boonmee’s wife, who died 14 years earlier, returned one evening while he was eating dinner with his sister-in-law and his nephew. The dead wife sat down and drank some water. Then the reunited family was visited by a “ghost monkey” who looked a lot like Chewbacca, but with red eyes. Turns out the monkey was their long lost son (who went missing one day - Boonmee explained to his wife that he had spent a whole afternoon looking for him). Well it turns out the missing son was taking pictures of the ghost monkeys he found in the trees and then mated with one, and as a result he too had become a ghost monkey. No one seemed too surprised at this turn of events. They then went for a walk, ended up in a cave, and Boonmee died, surrounded by ghost monkeys. His nephew climbed out of the cave, went back to town and became a monk. Then the monk took a shower, watched some tv, somehow exited his own body and went to a karaoke bar. And … scene. End of movie.

There were also some subplots involving the Thai military, communism and Laotian immigrants, but even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could figure out how they fit into the story and what their meaning actually was. I recognize that when the director talks about movies being too shallow these days, he is probably referring to people like me who watch The Bachelor and Jersey Shore, but come on people. This is a bit much. The reviews say it’s mystical and amusing. It was neither. In addition to my shameful reality tv addition, I also enjoy more significant “films” that make you think and question your reality. I hate to give myself too much credit, but if CG and I can’t find any pleasure or meaning in the movie, I have a hard time believing the rest of the population will. Seriously, this movie was dumbfounding to me.

All that to say, I do not recommend this movie. Unless of course you have a strong desire to see a woman experience orgasm thanks to the efforts of a talking catfish. In that case, go nuts.

And of course, if you've ever wondered what a ghost monkey looks like, please see the above picture.

still on team jacob

So as mentioned, I went to Toronto and Hawaii. I'm still too tired to go into my various adventures on said trips. But once again, I insisted on torturing myself by watching a bad movie on the plane - I watched the latest Twilight movie, I'm not even sure what the actual subtitle is. But it included lines like this one, from Edward to Bella when she asked him to take her virginity:

“I just want to be married to you first ....it’s just one rule that I want to leave unbroken. It might be too late for my soul, but I will protect yours.”

Are you serious? Teenagers are doomed if they believe this bullshit. Good thing there was a barf bag in my seat pocket.

I hear the water in Arkansas is ... very hard

These were the words uttered by Bill to Sam in the second most amazing scene in last night's season premiere of True Blood. The most amazing scene was of course the one where Eric was naked.

I am really not a fan of the vampire phenomenon ... my utter hatred of Twilight could take up a post of its own. I read the first book in an effort to understand the pop culture zeitgeist and once I finished it, I vowed not to read anymore. The writing was horrible, the circumstances ridiculous, and the characters wooden. The message it sends to young girls is horrible too - Bella can never be complete unless Edward is around? And it's ok to get engaged before you are out of high school? I think not. If I was really interested in the principles of your Mormon faith Stephanie Meyer, I would talk to the guys who wear the ill-fitting suits and wander around getting doors slammed in their faces. Plus the whole phenomenon of grown women lusting after 17-year old Jacob Lautner is just creepy (yes, I'm talking to you RB).

So back to True Blood - campy adult fun with telekenetics, shapeshifters, werewolves, meanads and vampires. And this guy. Highly recommended.

Up in the air

Recently I was on a plane and the woman in front of me was watching "Up in the Air" which I have already seen and quite enjoyed. It reminded me that it has one of my favourite scenes from a movie, ever. Right after Anna Kendrick's (Natalie) character get dumped via text message, she has a breakdown and a speech that sums up how I felt for most of my 20s:
Alex (Vera Farmiga): What a weasley prick
Natalie: What does that make me, someone who falls for a weasley prick? When I was 16 I thought I'd be married by 23, maybe have a kid. Corner office by day, entertaining at night. I was supposed to be driving a Grand Cherokee by now.
Alex: Life can underwhelm you that way.
Natalie: I don't want to say anything anti-feminist, I really appreciated everything your generation did for me.
Alex: It was our pleasure.
Ryan (George Clooney): Well done.
Natalie: It just feels like success won't matter til I find the right guy.
Alex: You really thought he was the one?
Natalie: We could have made it work ... he really fit the bill. White collar, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, 6'1, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy, you know, on weekend. I always imagined he'd have a single syllabled name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world he drives a four runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?
Alex: That he's not an asshole. He comes from a good family, wants kids, is healthy enough to play with his kids. He can't earn more money than me and it would be nice if he has hair, although that's not a deal breaker anymore. And a nice smile. Even that could be enough.
Natalie: Whoa, that's depressing ... you should just date women.
Alex: Tried that - trust me, we're no picnic.

It's an abridged version, but when I saw it in the theatre, I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I definitely did not plan on having a corner office or kids by age 23, but the part about the boy with the single syllable name, the dog and the SUV - all true.

Having already seen the movie, I watched another quality film - Twilight: New Moon. Full of crap dialogue of course, but I felt the need to watch it in order to understand the cultural zeitgeist. I guess it falls under the "guilty pleasures" portion of this blog. And PS, I'm totally Team Jacob, even though the cutoffs the wolf pack wear are awful and Taylor Lautner is way too young, not to mention too short.