silver foxes > cougars

This past weekend I learned a valuable lesson from my friend PT: Cross country skiing is a lot like a horror movie - always remember to look behind you. Why you ask? Because you never know what is happening when your back is turned. In a horror movies, it's inevitably a serial murderer. When cross country skiing, it's beautiful scenery. Like this:

We were lucky. There very well could have been a cougar behind us, hidden somewhere in that breathtaking view. Being cougar smart is very important, as delineated by the brochure in our hotel room. In case you were wondering what a cougar smart brochure looks like, here it is:

It's a bit hard to read, but it basically says that cougars can attack at any time, even when you think you are safe and sound inside the local pub. They're everywhere. The only way to protect yourself is to protect the jugular and get into a fetal position. It also helps if you don't hang out with unsuspecting men in their twenties.

We did see some other wildlife on our ski though. Some silver foxes, which as you know are a personal weakness of mine. All in all a great day, which was part of a great girls weekend, filled with details that can't be shared here, but rest assured there were a lot of laughs.

low lights and a wipe

We were lucky this week to have a professional in our midst whilst watching The Bachelor. AH's sister was in town from TO and as she is a make up artist she was able to provide us with inside insight into the great mystery of Michelle's black eye. Her prognosis: FAKE.

Here is how Stacy H came to this (not so) shocking conclusion:

• Exhibit 1: A black eye is ugly. When you wake up with a zit, you cover it up. Same principle with a black eye. Cover that shit up.
• Exhibit 2: A black eye usually comes with some swelling and/or puffiness. When Michelle "woke up" she had colour, but no puff.
• Exhibit 3: A black eye is often accompanied by burst blood vessels in the eye and it eventually turns yellow and green. None of this occurred. In fact, by the time of her "special day" came around, the black eye was miraculously gone. Side note ... since when did they start referring to one-on-one dates as their "special day"? Barf.
• Exhibit 4: As a "hair dresser," Michelle has no doubt worked with makeup artists and knows the tricks of the trade. Stacy's conclusion is that Michelle used a purple matte lipstick to fashion her black eye. And so concludes this episode of CSI: Bachelor.

Now that we've solved that mystery, onto date #1. Chantal was HC's early favourite, but she's quickly falling off her list for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to, the following:

• She was overly concerned about mascara running down her face during their underwater "date." Really?
• When Brad congratulated her on doing a great job underwater, she replied "it's because I've got you." I think the appropriate response to that comment is gag me with a spoon.
• Once they moved into the tent to continue their awkward making out, she thanked god for making it rain. Honey, I'm fairly certain god has more important things than determining the appropriate weather for your date.

Despite the appearance of my favourite silver fox Dr. Drew, the group date was not all that exciting. The only interesting part of the "therapy session" was when Brad said that he wanted to find out if one, or all, were compatible with him. He wants to be compatible with all of them? Since when did The Bachelor turn into Big Love? I know it's ridiculous that he's dating 15 women at the same time, but there's already a reality dating show about polygamy. It's called Sister Wives. Good for him for not giving the dentist the rose though. She seemed drunk and because she has nothing interesting to say (although none of them really do), she just created drama, to no effect.

Speaking of drama, at this point in the evening we took a break (as often occurs, see last week's google session) to discuss whether or not to forward new contact info to an old flame after you have broken up. Remember this guy? Well now that AZ is moving back to YYC, he is sending her random real estate emails and really wants her new contact information. She sees no reason to provide him with it. Nor do I ... clean breaks are good. For example, I recently got a new Blackberry and there is a certain "gentleman" with whom I have a history that has never ended particularly well, and I chose not to send him my new number ... Impressive, non?

I don't have a lot to say about Michelle's date except that we all agreed that she seemed to be taking a page from Kate Hudson's playbook in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. She had this whole fake narcissism thing going on. She freaked out just to get his sympathy and then was composed enough to non-chalantly give him a kiss halfway down where there happened to be a camera. She's a nutjob for sure. But would the show be interesting if she had been sent home in the first few weeks? Probably not. Especially because ABC has taken pains to edit out any of Brad's personality. Either that or he could possibly be the dullest man alive. Plus he talks so damn slowly.

At any rate, it was refreshing to watch the show this week with a neophyte. The rest of us had taken for granted that this is a show worth watching. Having a rookie is a reminder that in reality, the conversations are dull, the drama is contrived, and there are no winners. Well unless of course you count becoming a D-list celebrity and having HC and I follow you on twitter as "winning."

PS - The title of this post comes courtesy of our rookie makeup artist, referring to Emily, aka NASCAR Barbie. The consensus is that she is a pretty girl, but overly made up. She should definitely take Stacy's advice who so wisely stated that she could use "some low lights and a wipe."

PPS - I apologize for the excessive use of quotation marks in my Bachelor recaps ... it just seems so appropriate seeing as nothing is actually real.

PPS - I also apologize for all the links to previous posts. I guess it just goes to show that I've been talking about the same thing and the same people for a year now. Yowza.

addiction and 90s tv

Anyone else watching Celebrity Rehab this season? I've already mentioned my love of Dr. Drew, which is one reason I watch. The other reason of course is that I love a good trainwreck. On this season, the size of Rachel Uchitel's lips intrigue me. I'm not sure how she can talk really. I also call bullshit on Jeremy London's story about being kidnapped. Not sure why he's still sticking to his guns. It's quite sad really as I used to love him on Party of Five. I so wanted to be Julia Salinger dating Griffin . I loved Party of Five period. While it was a good show on it's own, my love of it probably also comes from the era in which it was broadcast. It was on while I was at university and along with Felicity, it was appointment viewing - first in residence and then in various living rooms off campus, always with a group of girlfriends who loved it as much as I did. In fact, I think the only reason I stuck with Lost through all 6 seasons because of my love for Charlie Salinger aka Jack Shephard aka Matthew Fox.

some helpful advice

Dear Don,

I know that you have been in a dark place of late. All that boozing, smoking, sleeping around, and lying about your true identity is bound to take a toll. But just because you're not feeling that great about yourself these days doesn't mean that you should settle for someone like Dr. Faye Miller. She's blonde. She's boring. She talks funny and I don't even think she's a real doctor. So this is why I cheered when Megan squeezed your hand, even if I think that making your way through the secretary pool is probably not the best way to ease your pain. In my humble opinion, I think you should go out and find Rachel Menken. I think we can all agree that she was the best of your mistresses. Apparently she's hanging out with a motorcycle gang (see Sons of Anarchy), but I think you can take them on. You are Don Draper after all.

Sincerely,

K

P.S. I really hope that Lucky Strike leaving SCDP doesn't mean the end of your agency. Because that would really suck.

P.P.S. Please tell Roger that I don't enjoy his sad sack routine. Without his quippy one liners, he is not nearly as attractive.

I'm hungover, but they're getting sober, so we're even right?

So today, as I nurse a hangover and curse Sarah's mom and her insistence on feeding us wine, the most exciting thing that happened was the premiere of Celebrity Rehab: Sober House. Celebrity Rehab, and all of its spin offs/incarnations, is definitely one of my fave guilty pleasures. The people on the show are such train wrecks that I can't turn away. Plus I love me some Dr. Drew. He is a true silver fox. And he can rock a pair of jeans. And in this picture, a bad ass leather jacket.