counting the things I've done pt. 2

Once again I have totally blanked on my blogging duties.  I do have a few reasonable excuses – I spent much of February traveling.  And then quite a bit of March sitting on my ass doing nothing.  But what else is new?  So here it goes – another list counting of things I’ve been doing whilst not updating my blog:

1. A trip to NYC - really, you ask? That seems like kind of a big deal, why haven’t you mentioned it until now?  See excuse number two above.  Went with the guy mentioned in my 1997-1998 journal – the boy in question who I planned to break up with even though we weren’t actually dating.  We’re still not dating, so why would we go to NY together you wonder?  Not sure really, except that for some reason we are still friends and seem to see each other every 4 years, in kind of awesome locales – Chicago, Banff, Paris, St. Moritz and NYC.  Was a super fun trip – not much to report really.  Hit up some good restaurants, wandered the streets of Soho, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge (pictured here in blurry instagram glory), went to the Met, watched the skaters of Central Park, etc. It's still not clear to me how we've managed to stay friends these past 15 years, whilst living in 10 different cities on 2 different continents, but we have, and it's pretty cool.
2. A few days of skiing – not enough really, but still good.  Two of the days were with the bride who prompted the ultimate wedding dos & don’ts list (and yes, I'm going to hell for continuing to bash it almost 2 years later).  At any rate, there have been a few snowstorms in the past month and so I’ve had a couple of powder days which were fab.  Hope to get a few more days in before the end of the season.
3. Work trips – to really exciting places like Wallaceburg, ON, Fort Nelson, BC and Wetaskiwin, AB.  On the first one I had some angry farmers question my integrity.  On the second one I went for drinks at a Boston Pizza where we were the only women in the bar.  On the third one, one of the SWAG items was a little case holding mints and toothpicks.  Those really are the highlights.
4. A drag show – self-explanatory.
5. Watching Friday Night Lights – I’m a late convert to the show, which means I’m watching all 5 seasons on itunes and on my PVR.  AH has been talking about it for years, but I never managed to watch it live, which is probably a good thing.  Watching all episodes back to back to back is awesome.  I’m slightly obsessed really.  I almost feel like I live in Dillon, TX.  And it makes me sad that I could never date Tim Riggins.  It also makes me sad that Taylor Kitsch’s  John Carter movie was so horrible.  He still looks good though.  And because he looks so good, I will forgive him for choosing another stupid movie to star in (Battleship) and go see it, if only because both Landry and Eric happen to be in it.
6. Wine – a few weeks ago we had an impromptu gathering for post-work bevies that went completely off the rails.  I met a Dutch guy who had just moved to 4 weeks previous and I’m pretty sure I impressed him with my ability to answer his skill testing question – how many Hollands fit into Alberta.  My answer was 20.  Everyone else guessed 4-6.  The real answer is 16.  So I won.  If I hadn’t had 5+ glasses of wine by that point, I’m pretty sure that I would have answered exactly 16.  SS met a guy who seems like a good guy, but he was uber-drunk and so when exchanging numbers, he gave her the wrong one.  Luckily they have a few friends in common.  One of the being Rat Guy (see – this blog always comes full circle)and so Drunk Jeff (also known as New Jeff and Good Jeff) emailed him to get SS’s contact info.  Rat Guy then had to swallow his pride and send her an email inquiring if it was ok for him to pass along her number.  They’ve had one date – the jury is still out, but it could be promising.
7. Research – AZ is going to NYC this week for work but whilst there is going to a “housewarming/birthday/magazine cover celebration” party.  It is being hosted by the mother a famous gentleman, who happens to be both single and a billionaire.  Sadly said gentleman won’t be there, but I still looked into his history and it’s a shame that he’s unavailable because AZ is already blonde and so could potentially have become the next Mrs. Musk.  Plus he’s building a spaceship to Mars (because that's a totally normal thing to do) and if she did some interplanetary travel, that would make a really great blog entry.  One that wouldn't take me two months to update.

a very long Stampede recap

Good news! All that talk of nothing exciting happening, went swiftly out the window on the Friday of Stampede at the rodeo! There was much drama and intrigue, including a stand-off between one set of exes, a friendly meeting between another, and a Spansede hook-up with a familiar face. A few weeks have passed and the alcohol has finally worn off, so I feel I can write a proper summary of the events.

So it all started off innocently with lunch at Cilantro. Very classy. Cheese plate, salads and only 2 bottles of Australian Sauvignon Blanc. Then we went to the rodeo. Also started off classy – infield seats, more wine, was all good. Then we switched to beer. Then we went to the infield beer garden where we had more beer. So many plastic cups full in fact that AH and AZ needed help carrying the beer from the bar to the place we were standing a mere 10 metres away. So they recruited some helpers. Turns out, one of the helpers was Yankee Hat Guy! (yes, this city is really that small). He was almost unrecognizable in his sunglasses and cowboy hat – seriously he carried the beers over to us before we realized we kind of knew this guy and his friends. We probably would have figured it out eventually - his winning good looks and extremely white smile gave him away. Plus when SS arrived from another party, he immediately turned up the charm. Much witty conversation ensued. It did almost go completely awry when SS’ ex-husband (let’s call him DB, which may or may not stand for douchebag) showed up, along with the originator of “Spansede", HC’s ex. But both fought through it. When talking to a random 3rd person who asked HC and Mr. Spansede how they knew each other, he very politely replied “we dated for awhile.” 3rd person was impressed at their friendliness. While SS was talking to Mr. Spansede her ex was standing about 5 metres away with his back to her. As I don't have a picture of the event here is my attempt at drawing it - stick figures are about as artistic as I get.

After the back to back standoff, SS decided to be the bigger person, went over and said hello, have a good stampede and off we went. I think he was in shock. SS = 1. DB = 0.

Off we went to Cowboys, the “legendary” tent which has been missing for the past few years in Calgary. More tomfoolery ensued. Ran into RB who was rocking the cowboy fascinator, and who has no recollection of when she and Ryan did the Dirty Dancing lift in the smoking area. AZ’s Norwegian crush LT showed up in fully Stampede regalia, danced like a maniac for an hour, and pulled a houdini, cementing his status as a foreign enigma. Yankee Hat Guy was there, but missing in action, save for his very cryptic email to SS which said, and I quote, “wanna make out?” So then the dance played out and eventually they left … together. I won’t sully my friend’s name by publicly declaring whether or not she was a good hostess, but let’s just say that after day one of Stampede, the score was SS = 2. DB = 0. It should also be noted that while some of my friends tried to claim that they “drank themselves sober” one of them threw up before going to bed and another slept on the hardwood floor in the living room while her husband and cousin looked on and laughed. Oh and Cory threw up on the street.

On Sunday night I went to the Chucks. No horses were harmed, but whoever produced the evening show should probably be. The performers did their best, and I appreciate all the work the Young Canadians put into it, but the attempt to provide a narrative thread (in this case it was the “garden of imagination”) to a mishmash of performances was completely pointless. The Chucks were awesome as usual. In another life I would like to be an outrider.

Tuesday night was the CBA party, which surprisingly doesn’t have any crazy stories, but was still fun. We saw threesome guy, who uncharacteristically kept grabbing our asses. Made us wonder about a potential substance abuse problem. Good news is that we saw him again the next night and he was quite sheepish - I think he was just quite drunk. I saw this guy from back in the day – he was not as alluring as he had been a year and a half ago, but still a nice guy. I did facebook stalk him the next day and confirmed that he has a gfriend. Oh well, like I said, not as endearing as previously thought. DB was standing at the entrance talking to some friends and saw us. Within 3 seconds he had moved further into the party. I think we can now say that SS has the upper hand. SS = 3. DB = 0.

On Wednesday we hit up the Stampede Round-Up. This night was memorable for many reasons, not the least of which is that I finally got to see the band that sings the one country song I know all the words to – “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).” I don’t know that I ever needed to see them live, and to be honest I was too busy drinking free beer and stalking Yankee Hat Guy (of course he was there!) to actually “watch” them, but I appreciate that they were playing in the background. Later on we got to see some equally cheesy pop music when we went the ultimate boy band concert – NKOTBSB! But back to the Fort Calgary party. Oftentimes we are scrambling to get tickets to this event, but this year they magically appeared courtesy of SS and AH. So yes, YHG was fairly easy to spot thanks to his winning good looks and very white smile. His smile is so perfect that we were considering changing his moniker to CC – which represents both the short form of Cheshire Cat and his actual initials – but it seems a bit too obvious. So we will stick with the much more creative YHG. There was much too-ing and fro-ing about how to approach him (even though SS had run into him at another party on Monday night …as I wasn’t there, it’s not included in this very official Stampede summary). Eventually contact was made, but things got a bit awkward when his ex-gf, who is now engaged to someone else, came up to say hello. It should be noted that as the world is so small, his ex used to be friends with SS and was actually invited to SS’s wedding to DB. She didn’t come and they aren’t friends anymore. There’s more drama to the story, but frankly this is getting a big long, so let’s just say, it was uncomfortable for everyone involved and YHG pulled the plug soon thereafter. As a result, SS didn’t leave with him, and came with us to the NKTOBSB concert as planned. We have a friend who is on a first name basis with the NKOTB and actually gave them the cowboy hats that they wore at the concert. She also got us great tickets that enabled us to get this close to the BSB resident bad boy AJ:

The concert was a hoot (I sound like my mom) and we danced and sang along with the boys in all of their cheesy glory. I'd also like to point out I've had "I want it that way" in my head for the past 2 weeks.

So now we find ourselves at Thursday, which also happened to be my bday. Now I’m not really a big birthday person, but for the second year in a row, my birthday happened to fall during stampede, which means everyone is out, so it’s natural to have a party. The problem in this case was that my birthday was at the tail end of stampede (so everyone is tired of going out) and I was super busy at work (I know … who knew?) so it was kind of a pain. But I soldiered through. I managed to sneak out of work to hit my company party, which unsurprisingly, was kind of lame. Then headed to my previous employer’s party, which was actually quite good – helped along by the fact that I’m good friends with many of my former co-workers and there was free booze. Then we wandered over to Cowboys (again), where other people bought me drinks, mostly shots, and I proceeded to get somewhat drunk and belligerent. But this was not entirely unexpected as in the weeks leading up to my big day, when discussing plans, I had sent out an email inviting people to come meet me, but with a qualifier indicating that “I will be drunk and belligerent as I come to terms with the fact that I am the oldest person I know.” That my friends, is a direct quote. And a prophetic one at that. A bunch of peeps were there – all at various stages of drunkenness. Luckily AH and SS had been triple fisting beer and wine at the rodeo and some of my former co-workers had done shots along with me, so while I was still the drunkest one there, at least I had some friends along for the ride. After eating a bucket of mini-donuts that substituted for a cake, I raised my hand, thanked everyone for coming, and declared my birthday to be over. So even though I was home by 11, my 8am meeting the next day was a rough one, and I made it through thanks only to the extra-large fountain pop I picked up at Subway. Needless to say I got a few looks from my colleagues as they sipped their coffee and silently judged me.

And so Stampede was finally over. YHG seems to have disappeared into the ether - if and when he surfaces, I'll be sure to let you know. Either way, I think we can all agree that SS won Stampede this year.

goddamn you mother nature pt. 2

On Sunday morning this is what I saw when I walked out of my house. Keep in mind that it was April 3rd. It was all kinds of awesome.*

A good 20 cms of snow had fallen since Friday night. I could only take the picture on Sunday morning because it was too depressing to leave the house on Saturday. One - because of all the snow, and two - because I was very hungover, thanks to celebrating JM's 35th birthday on Friday night. I won't get into any of the gory details of the night, but needless to say on Saturday I would have paid 100 dollars for someone to hand deliver me a quarter pounder, fries and fountain pop.

And yes, that is my spanking new car. Love it.

* incidentally, if I look back at previous posts, there was a similar bad news snow story in April of 2010 ... not sure why I was surprised this time around. I'm a sucker I guess.

snow day

It was a freezing and snow day today here in YYC, so it was a perfect opportunity to spend some quality time with my PVR. I watched 6 hours of Boardwalk Empire and now I have a strong desire to smoke, drink illegal whiskey, wear a flapper dress and date a gangster in a 3-piece suit and bowler hat.

I have two episodes left and while it took awhile for me to get into it, I am definitely wondering how it will all end. I especially enjoyed when "Chalky" took matters into his own hands and (semi-spoiler alert) strangled that dude.

Chalky of course is also known as Omar from The Wire. Man do I miss that show. I was trying to think of my favourite character .... the obvious ones would be Stringer Bell or McNulty. But I think I liked them all. Omar, all the kids (Randy in particular), Snoop, Chris, Prezbo, Greggs, Herc, Wallace (who is now on Parenthood ... of which every episode makes me cry), Bubbles, Daniels, Marlo, Buk, etc. Nothing else on tv like it. It makes me sad that I've seen every episode. Definitely not a guilty pleasure.

christmas with the fam

I don't know about you, but I spend Christmas with my family and it always yields a few good stories. Here are the highlights from Christmas 2010 in Ottawa.

• Watching my mom balance her chequebook. She keeps all of her receipts, uses the ledger at the end to add and subtract, and then compares it against the printed statement that arrives in the mail. To the dollar she does this. Just to make sure she knows what she has spent and to ensure that the bank is not cheating her of anything. I happen to be know her bank manager and am seriously tempted to tell him that she doesn't trust his system. And then, when I wanted to return a sweater she gave me for Christmas (because it happens to be pretty much the exact same sweater she gave me last year ... from the same store) the receipt is nowhere to be found. Great system mom.
• On my first night home, we had a lovely meal. Sadly, we sat down for dinner at 7:30, which happens to be when Jeopardy starts. Now I love Jeopardy as much as the next person, but my parents feel the need to scream the answers at the tv. And they know a lot of the answers (or questions I guess?). Between the two of them, they could be the next Ken Jennings. While annoying, it also explains a lot about where I got my nerdiness/ability to remember random pieces of useless trivia.
• On Monday night we went to a cocktail party being hosted by family friends. It was quite lovely. Lots of good food, good champagne, and good conversation. Then the party went sideways. The young people, which for some reason included me, decided to go out on the town. Now I didn't expect this party to turn into a big night out, so I didn't even bring my purse with me. So I had to hit up my dad for 60 bucks to go out drinking. Yep. I'm 34, and I'm just that much of a skid. The party continued at the bar. When I decided to leave at about 2 am, one of the guys said to me "you can't leave ... it's the last day of summer, we can't stop drinking yet." Two problems with that sentence. A, it's December 27th, not labour day and 2, the bar has stopped serving alcohol, so we have to stop drinking. Anyhow, I made it home. Barely.
• An interesting post script to this story is the fact that somehow my mom made it home with only one shoe. It only really makes sense in the context of a Canadian winter, whereby you wear boots and bring shoes to wear inside at the party. She figured out it was lost when they drove another couple home and the shoe fell out of the car when she got out of the back seat. When she emailed said couple to enquire about her lost shoe, the couple was very confused because they were so drunk, they thought that they had gone home with another couple. Or a cab. They had no recollection of my parents driving them home. At any rate, the shoe was found 2 days later on the driveway. All that to say, it was a good party.
• The next day I had a full Bridget Jones/sad single moment when I went to a baby shower hung over. I'm pretty sure I still smelled of booze and stale cigarettes.

There were plenty of other memorable moments, but really these are the ones that stand out through the haze of champagne - which I had every night. Of course we had turkey, christmas pudding, and lots of leftovers. I somehow managed to get about 10 hours of sleep every night ... might be related to all that turkey. All in all, a great Christmas. On to NYE!

December 10th-19th

A quick gander at my dinner choices for the past 10 days. And I wonder why my pants are too tight.

• Friday - frozen pizza while babysitting adorable 11 month old named Gibby.
• Saturday - vietnamese noodles while dogsitting devil dog Shasta.
• Sunday - lovely pasta with italian sausage and fennel, homecooked with love by SS.
• Monday - tomato and pineapple pizza with HC and aforementioned devil dog.
• Tuesday - Life cereal.
• Wednesday - defrosted turkey burger (originally made by me) and salad.
• Thursday - lamb flatbread at Thompson's before going to see A Christmas Carol.
• Friday - lovely roasted chickens with vegetables and scalloped potatoes courtesy, again, of the lovely SS.
• Saturday - mushroom and prosciutto pizza with SS after plan for risotto fell through thanks to false labour (don't worry, not mine or hers).
• Sunday - Christmas burger dinner at District with JM and KA.

There were other things too. On Sunday I made 7 dozen chocolate chip cookies for a cookie exchange at work. I think I ate at least 6 on my own. Then I got six dozen cookies to bring home with me. Because that's exactly what I need. I also re-attempted the prize winning pie to go with Friday's chicken dinner. Once again the pudding did not set and I had to freeze it. Recipe is obviously flawed, but it still tasted great. Friday was my goodbye party at work. It involved wine and cheese. I discovered something called black truffle cheddar. Dairy goodness indeed. Brie and figs. Yum. Oh, and the wine of course. You can never go wrong with wine.

Did I mention that it's not even Christmas yet? This does not set a very good precedent. Good thing it's almost 2011 and I can make some resolutions.

good news/bad news pt.3

good news = my mom is coming to town tomorrow

bad news = it's -18 here right now

good news = I love my mother

bad news = I live in 700 square foot condo

good news = my mom has lots of opinions

bad news = oftentimes her opinions and mine differ greatly

good news = we will have lots of quality time together in said condo hiding from said freezing temperatures

bad news = one of us might not make it through the weekend

on your special day, please remember these simple rules

I’ve been to a lot of weddings in my day, as both guest and member of the bridal party. I’m 34 years old and I really feel like I’ve seen it all. One year I was invited to 7. That’s my highest tally so far (I think I went to 5 of them). This year it has been only two. So I think I can make an educated list on things that work and don’t work - a quick hit of things that can potentially make or break a wedding. I recognize that we all can't be super creative, but there is a fine line between tradition and cliches. I suggest you avoid the cliches. It's not that hard. I just urge you to consider the following observations. Take ‘em or leave ‘em, but remember, I am very wise.

• Unless you get married on a beach, there should be no sand. I don’t know who invented the sand ceremony, but it seems to me, the symbolism is completely made up.
• A live singer for the ceremony is not a bad idea, but please make sure he or she is on key.
• When choosing music for the ceremony, might I recommend that it be a new take on an old classic or a cool song that is reinterpreted for wedding purposes. Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This” is not appropriate processional material.
• Unless it’s dark outside, may I suggest no candles. The unity candle is up there with the sand ceremony as something that makes no sense. Why do you need a candle or sand to represent the pledge of unity between the bride and groom. Isn't just saying your vows enough to indicate that you are united? Lighting a candle in a church to represent those loved ones who have passed away is the exception to this rule. But only in a church.
• Flowers need to be real. (You would think this would go without saying, but surprisingly I’ve seen it).
• Corinthians? Really? You couldn’t find anything else about love and what it means?
• A ceremony that lasts less than 15 minutes is encouraged. While your guests may be happy to watch you declare your love in front of god, man and the state, we’re really here for the party.
• If you insist on getting married outside, and it's not June, July or August,might I suggest that you allow your bridesmaids to wear fur. Faux or not, it’s up to you. But really, setting them up for pneumonia will not encourage a life long friendship.
• There is a a time and a place for 22 stories about the happy couple’s many adventures. It’s called a rehearsal dinner.
• Five speeches tops - bride’s family, groom’s family, best man, maid of honour, couple. Exceptions can be made if the speeches are short and extremely clever. Only in this case can more people step up to the microphone.
• Space the speeches appropriately. When dinner starts at 6, the last speech being completed by 10:40 is unacceptable. There are no exceptions to this rule.
• Remember to provide good/plentiful food for your bridal party all day - from the morning hair appointment through to the 800 photos. There is nothing worse than a ravenous, drunken bridesmaid in a bad dress who resents the bride. Recipe for disaster. And a ridiculously high bar bill.
• I understand that head tables are tradition and that you want your wedding party to feel important, but sitting on a pedestal so that everyone can watch you eat, stuck talking to the same people you’ve been hanging out with all day, is really not fun. A table dedicated to the wedding party is totally fine, just let it be amongst the guests, not isolated from the party.
• Do not stick more than two single girls at the wedding at the same table, surrounded by couples. Get ready for some resentful single friends, getting ridiculously drunk. Luckily they will be wearing dresses they actually picked out so will not be as resentful as the aforementioned underfed and pneumatic bridesmaids.
• Open bar. We’re in our 30s. We should not be paying for our drinks. Invite fewer people if necessary. Your great uncle does not need to come. I do however need a free gin and tonic.
• Slideshows are totally acceptable. That said, they can’t go on for longer than 10 minutes. Especially if you’ve been together for less than a year. Repeated pictures are not allowed. Embarrassing photos are encouraged. Also, please include pictures of your friends. Four minutes of the bride and groom is too much - we’ve been staring at you all day, seeing how we fit into your life makes us feel like we’re actually engaged in the process.
• A good live band is always welcome.
• Invite friends who can do the worm or will at least attempt the manoevre. A breakdance circle is also strongly encouraged.
• Final rule. Return of the Mack needs to be on the playlist.

I recognize that this list might come back to haunt me should I ever get married. But I stick to it for now, and I reserve the right to edit as needed. Besides, someday it could make for great speech material!

aloha

My apologies loyal reader(s), I have been out of the loop. First because I was in TO at a wedding (more on that to come) and now because I am in Hawaii. Through a variety of circumstances, the main one being the direct result of this event, I am sitting pretty in Waikiki. The weather has not been fabulous, but the beaches are awesome, the company is great and the maitais are tasty. So that's what counts, non?

good news/bad news pt.2

good news = this past weekend was a getaway to the mountains with 4 of my favourite girlfriends

bad news = the weekend was rudely interrupted by a 10K road race, for which I did not train - at all

good news = I finished said race

bad news = race included a 1.8 km uphill, at altitude, meaning I walked at least 1.8 kms, making my time ridiculously slow

good news = race was followed by beer, burger, hot tub, sunshine, more beer, birthday cake, wine, chips, cheese, wine, pasta, wine, dancing, vodka, oh, and more vodka

bad news = hangover

my younger self

On my recent trip to "home" (where my parents live), I found a couple of diaries, hidden in plain sight in my bedside table. Am guessing my mom has probably read them, which is pretty embarrassing because the diaries themselves are somewhat mortifying. Running intermittently from September 1997 to December 1999, they are an account of my inner most thoughts as well as the events and travels that happened when I lived in France in 97-98, back in Halifax for my last year of university in 98-99 and then back to France for a year of teaching in 99-2000. I was a young 21 year old ... I was always thought I was quite mature for my age, but looking back, not so much. Naivete is a good word to describe my mindset. Although it's interesting because the majority of the entries happen as I'm taken far out of my comfort zone, living on a different continent, speaking a different language and meeting people from all over the world, so I probably shouldn't be too hard on myself. A few gems are below, as well as what they mean to me now are below (there is also plenty of introspection, but I think I'll keep those entries to myself for now):

• October 11, 1997: "Last night we had so much fun ... our wine only cost $4. Then we went to Bugsy's and everybody was there. We got a beer and hung out but we decided we wanted to dance - so we went to Honky Tonk's to bust a move." Um, everybody? I have no idea who would be considered everybody. Nor would my 34-year old self drink $4 wine. And what kind of town has bars called Bugsy and Honky Tonk? Although I do still use the term "bust a move."

• November 11, 1997, discussing a boy I had a crush on: "I broke off our relationship, not that we really had one, but after the events of the weekend, my crush has faded, although I still like flirting with him - he is a great friend even though he's a slut." A little harsh perhaps? Also, I love that I broke up with him even though we weren't dating. The funny thing is that we are still friends. I wonder if I should tell him how mean I was.

• November 23, 1997: "Last weekend we hopped on a train and went to Barcelona. Wow - it was so much fun. I couldn't believe how many people were out on just a random Saturday night - 8PM looked like Ottawa on Canada Day or general admission at a U2 concert. Shopping was like the last hour on Christmas Eve - absolute chaos. But I got some new boots and a sweater." I'm guessing we also saw all the Gaudi architecture and went to a few museums, but I obviously wasn't that interested. And I still own those boots.

• December 21, 1997: "We went to Paris and KM peed on the eiffel tower." I laughed out loud reading this entry. In her defence, she has a very weak bladder and I was probably taunting her.

• January 23, 1998: "Wow, it is so beautiful out right now. I am sitting on a park bench - it is 4:30 in the afternoon, in the middle of winter, I am wearing only a sweater (well, pants too), the sun is shining, there are people and dogs frolicking in front of me, I'm listening to that cool Bjork song and wishing I were in a movie." Cool Bjork song could be any of her songs really, I'm gonna go with "It's Oh So Quiet."

It goes on and on, but is really only funny to me. So let's just leave it there and ponder the all important question: what the hell ever happened to Bjork?

on lists

I realized that this blog was named after a list, but since then I have not really provided any additional lists. Today is the day I remedy that situation. Last weekend I went to Lake Windermere (pictured at right ... this is the actual sunset on Saturday night) with a group of people - some of whom I had met, some of whom I didn't know - and it was quite the interesting little getaway. Herewith is my top 5 list of memorable moments from the weekend (in no particular order):

1. walking into the cabin after having spent Saturday afternoon at the beach to find our living room had been invaded by 4 random girls in full makeup and onesies drinking our sangria. no explanation as to who they were or where they had come from. the boys tried to tell us they were 29. we disagreed. they were 23. tops.


2. playing pictionary and hearing Braeden guess "it's the bug that blends into the tree. goddamn it, what is it called?" the answer of course was praying mantis.


3. HC distinguishing between two songs both named "crazy" - one by Britney Spears, the other sung by Patsy Cline.


4. when the boys played this song for the millionth time, I realized that it's the perfect step aerobics song ... luckily HC used to be an aerobics instructor, so she was able to guide my routine perfectly! grapevine, repeater knees, and around the world were performed to perfection.


5. girls sangria = 3 bottles of red wine, 12 ounces of cointreau, the juice from 4 oranges, 1 cup of orange juice, 3 sliced oranges, 3 sliced lemons, 2 sliced limes, frozen strawberries as ice cubes, and ginger ale as mix. boys sangria = 12 cans of beer, a bottle 1.1L bottle of absolut vodka, 1 can of pink lemonade concentrate mix, garnished with lemons and blueberries. surprisingly, they were both really good.

don't drink the kool-aid

So on Wednesday morning I went for coffee with a man I had met at a work event who was interested in learning more about the organization I work for and how we could potentially find some "synergies" (his word, not mine). Turns out he really wanted to meet so that he could fill me in on his financial advising project, which I'm pretty sure was a pyramid scheme. The very same day, a friend of mine had a similar encounter with a co-worker, who after a meeting asked her if she was single and then upon hearing yes, sent her the following email.

Ms. (Blank)*
Hope your day is going great.

Attached are 2 documents
1) Manifest your ideal mate
2) Manifest your ideal job

You need to be specific on what you want. Don't just say 'I want someone who likes to eat steak' or you could end up with someone who only eats steak. You need to write it like he is already there - Ex: he enjoys the same food as I do, eats healthy and is a great cook (of the foods I enjoy). Be sure to state if you want them to speak English as a first language (if you want) or you could end up with someone that you can't easily talk with.

I seriously believe I built my wife. My list was freakin huge. Toes, feel, legs, personality, hair, teeth, breath, skin, eyes, outlook, family, driving skills, typing skills, travel, language skills, conversation skills, artistic skills, caring, style of clothing, fitness levels, humour, work ethic, education, passion ... all of those items need to be considered. I can help you get started if you want. Additionally, typically what you manifest will materialize within 3 months. So, believe in what you have written.

All the best,
Michael

I didn't include the attachments, because I think you get the idea, but seriously - he built his wife? I wonder how she fees about that. And typing skills ... really? This is an important enough quality to write down?

What the eff is up with people trying to invite us into cults under the guise of work ... where are all the normal people?

* I deleted her name to protect her privacy. His name is actually Michael. If you know him, run away. As quickly as humanly possible.

Spansede!

Stampede, also known as "Christmas in July," is upon us. Down on the grounds, there is the rodeo, the chuckwagons, actual cowboys, the agricultural building, the super dogs, the midway, random concerts and of course the various foods on sticks. Away from the grounds, there is general debauchery. The title of this post refers to a text message/booty call a certain friend received last year - we're pretty sure he meant to say "stampede" but his thumbs were obviously impaired by copious amounts of alcohol. This time of year is known for random hookups ... some might form into everlasting love, others stretch out for a few months, eventually losing their lustre as the days get shorter and the weather cools down (or the guy turns out to have a recreational cocaine problem, but that's another story). But most really only last one night.

And so we arrive at the very important question we have been pondering of late - what is the true definition of a one night stand? It seems like it would be a simple answer, but really it's not. Is it a one night stand because it lasted only one night? But what if you stay "friends?" Is it a one night stand if you don't remember their name and never see them again? But what if you have known them for a long time, will inevitably see them again, but it still only lasts one night, because of a variety of exigent circumstances? Or is a one night stand really defined by intent? As in, you intend to see them again, but he is a douche, and so you don't, so that means it's not a one night stand. But if you go into it intending it to only happen once and it only happens once, is that a one-night stand. Regardless of whether or not you know their name? This is what we have landed on. Just like possession is nine-tenths of the law, intention is nine-tenths of a one night stand. The other tenth of course is alcohol. Or maybe it's the other way around?

That said, this time of year is dangerous. All bets are off during Stampede ... men in cowboy hats inevitably look hot and good intentions are as good as gone. Happy Spansede everyone!

a beautiful day

So while last Wednesday was not a beautiful day, this past Wednesday(i.e. yesterday) was. The reasons for this were as follows:

• sun
• patio at the Ship
• early ditching of work
• beer
• very tasty chicken sandwich
• a full afternoon with JM and KM, which hasn't happened in a while
• team dating (more on this to follow)
• more sun
• more beer
• good people watching (including a guy with a maori tattoo across his face - random)
• nachos
• the fact that it was the day before an extra long weekend, so while it was only Wednesday, it felt like Friday!

dbag central

On Friday night I met the girls for an apres-work drink at what is supposed to be the new cool downtown bar. It was definitely not. For one, the hostesses have to wear horrible pink outfits. And secondly, it's in the mall. I mean really. But it apparently has a huge rooftop patio ... too bad spring has not arrived in Alberta so we couldn't test it out.

On two separate occasions, completely unprompted, two of the ladies labelled it "douche bag central." For no reason really, except that it was filled with well dressed, corporate Calgary types. When seen in packs of 2 or 3, these men really are quite attractive, but for some reason, when seen in bunches of 10-15, you begin to question their motives. And so the dbag comment. It got me thinking that it's so weird that all of the sudden this insult is back in everyday usage ... so of course I googled it and found out that it crossed over from hygienic medical term into a pejorative name in the 60s ... http://www.drbilllong.com/SpellersDiary/Interlude.html. Who knew?

And as a postscript, as we were leaving the bar, who should walk by, but the Gaz (HC's ex) on his way to meet SS's ex-husband. Dbag central indeed.

I'm hungover, but they're getting sober, so we're even right?

So today, as I nurse a hangover and curse Sarah's mom and her insistence on feeding us wine, the most exciting thing that happened was the premiere of Celebrity Rehab: Sober House. Celebrity Rehab, and all of its spin offs/incarnations, is definitely one of my fave guilty pleasures. The people on the show are such train wrecks that I can't turn away. Plus I love me some Dr. Drew. He is a true silver fox. And he can rock a pair of jeans. And in this picture, a bad ass leather jacket.

Sochi 2014

Saturday was our annual bonspiel. That's the word for a curling tournament. I don't normally curl, but every year, once a year, some of my girlfriends and I enter a bonspiel sponsored by our favourite pub (the ship and anchor) which means it's plenty of drinking with a little curling thrown in. I don't know how to curl at all, but I always enjoy watching it on tv, which is weird, because it looks like it would be really boring, but it's not ... it is a game of inches and strategy, and it is so very satsifying when you hear the rocks hit one another on a good shot. When it's on, I just can't change the channel. I loved Men with Brooms, and whenever they show the Sandra Schmirler story on CBC I cry. All that to say, that when we actually won a game (our first in 2 years), it looked something like this:




So to sum up, I'm fairly certain that we might have a shot for the next Olympics, which I'm told are in Sochi, Russia. Privyet Russia!