a toonie

A toonie is what one of my colleagues gave me yesterday as a contribution to a gift for another one of our colleagues who is having a baby.  A toonie.  That's 2 dollars.  One coin.  That doesn't even cover the gas it cost me to drive to the mall to get the damn gift.  I mean, really, it's insulting, no?  I went on this rant with my mother yesterday and she pointed out that I don't know everyone's situation, and so shouldn't judge.  The thing is, that I know how much this woman makes, and so I judge.  Her situation is obviously that she was raised by wolves or something.  I understand you might not want to contribute - so don't.  Don't sign the card, and don't waste my time with a toonie!  And then, to top it off, I had to miss the damn meal where we gave her the gift today because I got stuck in a meeting.   But all was not lost, because I did accomplish quite a few things on this fine Friday:

• Booked my ticket to New York, and on points to boot!  I leave in 6 weeks.  More details on this trip to come in a future post.
• Had lunch with Christie, who just came back from NYC and so had some great tips.  Including where to get the best pancakes.  Now if only I could remember what that place was called.
• Bought a new pair of glasses.  My old ones are very old and not at all cool.  So I got a new pair.  As pictured here. The pink on the inside is pretty awesome.  As a bonus, the store was having a promotion/sale/charity thing where if you bring in 10 items for the Food Bank, you get 100 bucks off the frames!  Such a great idea.  

They are called Holland Park.  They are rad.

• When I got home I went for a great run along the river.  It was a full moon and a chinook.  Pretty great. 
• After the run, I rewarded myself with a burger and fries from Boogie's Burgers.  I wish I had taken a picture of the burger.  It was damn good.  And the fries were also awesome.  I recognize that eating like a glutton after going for a run is somewhat counter-productive, but it's a Friday night and eating a salad just felt unfair.  Plus I have absolutely no veggies in my house right now.

word of the day

Did you learn anything today?  Because I did.  A new word: extirpated.

What does it mean, you ask, impatiently I'm sure.  Well it means a species no longer existing in the wild in Alberta (or whichever jurisdiction you are currently in), but occurring elsewhere in the wild.  Fascinating stuff.  I also read about the 30+ different names for liverwort.

What's liverwort you ask, on the edge of your seat. It's a plant - check out this link for a bunch of pictures of green things.

And why am I learning these things at my job, you ask, this time in an exacerbated manner.  The answer: no fucking clue.

Incidentally, I got 51% in grade 11 biology, so the fact that this type of reading is part of my job now, is beyond hilarious.

it's always the quiet ones

I've mentioned the struggles I sometimes have with my job. Well one day last week was one of them. Last Monday I unwittingly took part in a social experiment … at about 1PM I realized that beyond exchanging pleasantries with coworkers in the kitchen and bathroom (as in “hi, how are you, good, how are you, not bad, have a good day”) I did not have a substantive conversation with anyone in my office. There are 400 people that work in my organization. About 90 or so are on my floor, 60 of whom are in my business unit and 12 people who have offices along my hallway and not one of them went out of their way to engage me in conversation. I guess the question could be, well, why didn’t you make more of an effort? And I did – I said hi to the guy parking his bike beside mine this morning. I asked a colleague if she wanted to grab a coffee. She had a meeting so couldn’t. And then I ran into someone from another floor in the elevator and she said we should go for coffee later. I said sure, but she never did ask me for coffee.

So on this particular Monday, when I realized that I really hadn’t talked to anyone in depth, I wondered if I could make it through the rest of the day without doing so. No suspense really – it was easy. No one came by my office and no one said hello when I passed them in the halls. I even made sure to get up and move around more than usual. Seriously - I did laps around my floor. I hung out in the kitchen, pretending to read the paper, ready to discuss current events with people who came in to grab something from the fridge. Still nothing. They say silence is golden, but this was a bit ridiculous. It's not always this way of course, but I'm pretty sure I could become a mute and my co-workers might not notice. It's a good thing I have such interesting voices inside my head - otherwise I might never have a conversation with anyone ever again.

safety first pt. 3

So it's been awhile since I've discussed the obsession my workplace has with safety (for a quick refresher, see here and here), but the quarterly internal magazine just came out and there was an article in it that struck me. It was called "Exercise vs. Egress." Some of the highlights are below:

"A number of employees use the stairs to run up a flight or two rather than wait for the elevators. Why not, it saves time and allows you to get in a little exercise at the same time. But, the question is, "is it always safe?" In a building as old as this one, stairwells were built solely for egress (the act of exiting), which is why they are so narrow .... if an emergency were to occur there could be extreme congestion if the stairs are not being used for their true purpose ... The building has already experienced a number of near misses. The stairwells are

not monitored by building security, so one scenario to consider is that if while using the stairwell you were to trip or experience a medical emergency it is quite possible you would not be found for quite some time."

For reals. Apparently at my place of employment, safety trumps fitness. I'm obviously not the only one who chooses to flaunt this workplace health and safety guideline as I often run into people in the stairwell - which incidentally is easily wide enough to fit two people going in opposite direction - so I know that should I trip and hit my head, I would found promptly enough. But as a bonus, I did learn a new word = egress. I will now try to use it at least once a day from now on. Sentence for today: If my employer comes up with one more ridiculous safety guideline, I will have to egress through the nearest open window!

it's all about the map

So just in time for tomorrow's Bachelor finale, I had planned to finally post last week's recap. But I spent the day skiing at Lake Louise and I'm very tired, so I can't really be bothered. Luckily, last week I had to take a plain language writing class. One of the exercises we had to do was a non-linear outline or a mind map for a project we were currently working on. And while I am finally busy at work, I'm not busy doing lots of writing. So instead I chose to do a mind map for my weekly bachelor post. Maybe not the most professional choice, but it was fun to do. Thank jaysus I did not need to read it aloud. But I did share it with my small group, and I'm pretty sure only one co-worker has lost all respect for me, and that's ok because he wears ugly shoes and we will never be friends. So here's a picture of it - it gives you a general outline of what I would have chosen to write about, were I not so effing tired ... goddamn you daylight savings time!

math and exercise

So like an idiot, I went and signed up for this run again. Just like last year, I have 8 months to physically and mentally prepare myself for the race, but this time I will hopefully actually stick to the training plan and not suffer in agony for the longest 10 kms of my life.

To that end, today I hit up the gym at my new place of employment. It just opened this week and is a great perk of the new job. Having a gym on the 2nd floor is nice when it's -37 (for reals ... this weather sucks) outside and the last thing you want to do when you get home is leave again. Now, there are a few restrictions of the company gym: it's pretty small (only 8 cardio machines along with some free weights); it's only open 6am-6pm Monday-Friday; and there is a fee. Yep, we have to pay to play. The cost? Sixty bucks for the year. For those of you counting, that makes it $5 a month, $1.25 a week, or 0.25 cents a day. Best deal in town.

One of the funniest things about being a member is that in order to gain access you not only have to pay your fee, there is a mandatory information session. As previously mentioned here and here, my new employer is a big fan of safety. And so, we all had to spend an hour with a trainer from the YMCA who demonstrated the fine art of how to properly use a treadmill, because anything can happen when that mechanical belt starts moving.

one step closer for the women, one step back for all of womankind

There are so many things wrong with The Bachelor, but the one that drives me the craziest is that it's assumed that whoever he picks will move to his hometown. For some reason I can totally accept him dating 25 women, making out with a dozen or so, sleeping with at least 3 of them, and then picking one at random. But the idea that a woman has to change her plans to follow him around drives me bananas. No compromise, no discussion of him moving, etc. The "ladies" are the ones who have to make the big decision about their career (on the rare occasion where they actually have one) and suck it up and move wherever the guy is living, because they're gonna be a wife, and that trumps all.

On Monday's episode, there was no discussion of Chantal's career (maybe because she doesn't need one judging from the size of her parents house), Brad was concerned about perhaps holding Ashley back (because she is actually on her way to becoming a professional), and Shawntel got booted mainly because her parents don't want her to leave the funeral home business (Brad may have said their chemistry was lacking, but come on). And then there is Emily. There was no mention of her career because she has a kid, which means she is already on her way to being the perfect wife. Awesome.

I'm your girl ...

So while my new job certainly has the potential to be interesting, as of right now I don’t have much to do. Nor do I see much potential for busy-ness in the near future. As a result I will have to think of other things to do during the day to pass the time. So I am fielding requests! Need a health issue researched? I’m your girl. Wondering what “industry standard” is for things like when to first sleep with a guy or who should say I love you first? I can look into that for you. Looking for a trip itinerary to San Francisco or Paris? I can be your travel agent. The opportunities for me to do your menial tasks are endless …

I’m also considering writing something longer than a 500 word blog post – a short story perhaps? The problem is that I have no idea of what to write about … so if anyone out there has a super creative idea but just doesn’t have the time to flush it out, please feel free to send it my way and I will expand on it as best I can. Should it get picked up for a screenplay, I will give you a full co-author credit. I’ll even split the profits ... not 50/50 obviously, but you'll get something. But if it wins an Academy Award, please be warned that I will not share the 45 second time allotment for the speech.

cheap politics

So I've mentioned my disdain for Harper, (here and here) but thanks to his latest attack ads, it's crossing over into absolute hatred.

This ad is ridiculous and wrong on so many levels. Last time I checked, a coalition government is completely legal, not at all shady, and part of our parliamentary democracy. Harper is trying to scare the uneducated amongst us and I think it's completely wrong. Jeffrey Simpson's article in yesterday's Globe and Mail says it much more eloquently than I can, and Ignatieff may have his faults, but coming back to Canada to become an elected official is not one of them. Attacking his motives is cheap politics and I can't believe I live in a country where our prime minister thinks this type of mud slinging is completely acceptable.

I could go on but I won't. Mainly because watching this ad makes me want to throw my computer out the window and my new job doesn't pay me enough to buy a new one.

safety first pt. 2

I'm starting to get a bit concerned about my choice of new job. In training on Tuesday we went over the bomb threat checklist. The memo begins with "Bomb threats should never be treated lightly. The following guidelines will assist to minimize confusion ...."

For reals. And so I say again, what the hell have I gotten myself into?

safety first

So as previously mentioned I recently started a new job. Here is some sample training material from said new job:

"An inexperienced float plane passenger attempting to assist the pilot to dock is exposed to extreme danger from the rotating propeller."

Hmm. Not sure what I've gotten myself into ....

love in an elevator

So I started a new job last week. Great new role with lots of learning opportunities and potential new career paths. But even better than that, it has presented me with a whole new dating pool. The office has an internal facebook-type directory and so as I'm not very busy yet, I spent the better part of my morning intranet stalking a hot guy I saw on the elevator. He got off on the 3rd floor (my office is on the 5th), and so using the vast internal resources provided, I was able to figure out his name, what he does, his phone number, and his approximate age. He's a bit on the young side, but definitely older than Tag. I don't know that our jobs will interact at all, but I definitely need to figure out how to have more meetings on the 3rd floor!

December 10th-19th

A quick gander at my dinner choices for the past 10 days. And I wonder why my pants are too tight.

• Friday - frozen pizza while babysitting adorable 11 month old named Gibby.
• Saturday - vietnamese noodles while dogsitting devil dog Shasta.
• Sunday - lovely pasta with italian sausage and fennel, homecooked with love by SS.
• Monday - tomato and pineapple pizza with HC and aforementioned devil dog.
• Tuesday - Life cereal.
• Wednesday - defrosted turkey burger (originally made by me) and salad.
• Thursday - lamb flatbread at Thompson's before going to see A Christmas Carol.
• Friday - lovely roasted chickens with vegetables and scalloped potatoes courtesy, again, of the lovely SS.
• Saturday - mushroom and prosciutto pizza with SS after plan for risotto fell through thanks to false labour (don't worry, not mine or hers).
• Sunday - Christmas burger dinner at District with JM and KA.

There were other things too. On Sunday I made 7 dozen chocolate chip cookies for a cookie exchange at work. I think I ate at least 6 on my own. Then I got six dozen cookies to bring home with me. Because that's exactly what I need. I also re-attempted the prize winning pie to go with Friday's chicken dinner. Once again the pudding did not set and I had to freeze it. Recipe is obviously flawed, but it still tasted great. Friday was my goodbye party at work. It involved wine and cheese. I discovered something called black truffle cheddar. Dairy goodness indeed. Brie and figs. Yum. Oh, and the wine of course. You can never go wrong with wine.

Did I mention that it's not even Christmas yet? This does not set a very good precedent. Good thing it's almost 2011 and I can make some resolutions.

memories of kellermans

Friday night was my work Christmas party. It's now Sunday morning and I think I've finally gotten over my hangover. It turned out to be a really fun night, with everyone taking full advantage of the prosecco on hand. There was karaoke involved. We all remember how much I love to karaoke. RB and I kicked it off with a memorable version of Time of My Life (the original, not the really bad Black Eyed Peas version. They should be ashamed of themselves for co-opting such a great song. Sorry for the rant, now back to the story at hand). It went a little something like this ... we even attempted the lift!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpmILPAcRQo

(for some reason it won't let me embed. annoying. but I suggest you follow the link. it's awesome)

I actually own the Dirty Dancing DVD. My mom gave it to me for my birthday a few years ago. It's a bit of a joke in our family because when the movie came out, my mom wouldn't let me see it. As it had the word dirty in the title, she figured I was too young (I was 11). But then, we went to her boss' house for dinner and his daughter, who was a year younger than I was, had it on VHS. My mom couldn't say no, because it would look bad, so I finally got to watch it. And of course loved it. Still do. I carried a watermelon is one of my all time fave movie lines, and I use it whenever there is a watermelon present.

cake disaster

Remember my pie success? Well, tonight I had the opposite problem. I was so confident in my cake making abilities that I had 3+ glasses of wine before making my signature chocolate chip cake for the United Way bake sale at work tomorrow. I love this cake. My mom used to make it for me on my birthday. I can pretty much make it from memory and whenever I bring it somewhere it's a big hit. Tonight I failed. Miserably. It didn't rise. I didn't have enough flour, but figured it would be ok. I was wrong. I'm pretty sure that no one will want to pay anything for it and so will not help raise any money for charity. Lesson learned - don't drink and bake.

pie success

So it turns out my pie was not as disastrous as previously thought. The recipe for Chocolate Pudding Pie came from a Williams Sonoma cookbook and can be found here. The problem was that the pudding did not thicken enough after 3+ hours in the fridge, so in consultation with my mother and SS, I decided to improvise and put it in the freezer overnight. I then made the whipped topping about 30 minutes before serving, letting it sit out to de-freeze a bit. And voila! The epic fail became an overnight success! I won best filling at the pie-off and second best pie overall! Who knew? Finished pie is pictured here. It was tasty.

don't drink the kool-aid

So on Wednesday morning I went for coffee with a man I had met at a work event who was interested in learning more about the organization I work for and how we could potentially find some "synergies" (his word, not mine). Turns out he really wanted to meet so that he could fill me in on his financial advising project, which I'm pretty sure was a pyramid scheme. The very same day, a friend of mine had a similar encounter with a co-worker, who after a meeting asked her if she was single and then upon hearing yes, sent her the following email.

Ms. (Blank)*
Hope your day is going great.

Attached are 2 documents
1) Manifest your ideal mate
2) Manifest your ideal job

You need to be specific on what you want. Don't just say 'I want someone who likes to eat steak' or you could end up with someone who only eats steak. You need to write it like he is already there - Ex: he enjoys the same food as I do, eats healthy and is a great cook (of the foods I enjoy). Be sure to state if you want them to speak English as a first language (if you want) or you could end up with someone that you can't easily talk with.

I seriously believe I built my wife. My list was freakin huge. Toes, feel, legs, personality, hair, teeth, breath, skin, eyes, outlook, family, driving skills, typing skills, travel, language skills, conversation skills, artistic skills, caring, style of clothing, fitness levels, humour, work ethic, education, passion ... all of those items need to be considered. I can help you get started if you want. Additionally, typically what you manifest will materialize within 3 months. So, believe in what you have written.

All the best,
Michael

I didn't include the attachments, because I think you get the idea, but seriously - he built his wife? I wonder how she fees about that. And typing skills ... really? This is an important enough quality to write down?

What the eff is up with people trying to invite us into cults under the guise of work ... where are all the normal people?

* I deleted her name to protect her privacy. His name is actually Michael. If you know him, run away. As quickly as humanly possible.