ghost monkeys and catfish sex

So on Tuesday night I saw the weirdest fucking movie I have ever seen in my life. CG and I have a tendency to go see obscure foreign films, and more often than not, they end up being great. This one? Not so much. All signs pointed to an intriguing mystical film – it won the Palme D’Or at Cannes, was named the best Asian film of the year and got 4 stars from the Globe and Mail.

I did not get it. Ostensibly the story is about a dying man recalling his past lives as well as those people he had lost in his current life. A Buddhist story of death if you will. I think karma was supposed to be one of the themes. I don’t know what kind of bad karma I’m carrying around that meant I had to be punished by sitting through 2 hours of painful Thai cinema. Ugh.

In one of his past lives Boonmee was a water buffalo, and in another he was either a princess, a slave, or a catfish. This particular flashback was definitely one of the weirdest ones as the princess rejected the slave, so he then morphed into a catfish, started talking, convinced the princess to enter the pond and then began orally pleasuring her. For reals. Back in real time, Boonmee’s wife, who died 14 years earlier, returned one evening while he was eating dinner with his sister-in-law and his nephew. The dead wife sat down and drank some water. Then the reunited family was visited by a “ghost monkey” who looked a lot like Chewbacca, but with red eyes. Turns out the monkey was their long lost son (who went missing one day - Boonmee explained to his wife that he had spent a whole afternoon looking for him). Well it turns out the missing son was taking pictures of the ghost monkeys he found in the trees and then mated with one, and as a result he too had become a ghost monkey. No one seemed too surprised at this turn of events. They then went for a walk, ended up in a cave, and Boonmee died, surrounded by ghost monkeys. His nephew climbed out of the cave, went back to town and became a monk. Then the monk took a shower, watched some tv, somehow exited his own body and went to a karaoke bar. And … scene. End of movie.

There were also some subplots involving the Thai military, communism and Laotian immigrants, but even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could figure out how they fit into the story and what their meaning actually was. I recognize that when the director talks about movies being too shallow these days, he is probably referring to people like me who watch The Bachelor and Jersey Shore, but come on people. This is a bit much. The reviews say it’s mystical and amusing. It was neither. In addition to my shameful reality tv addition, I also enjoy more significant “films” that make you think and question your reality. I hate to give myself too much credit, but if CG and I can’t find any pleasure or meaning in the movie, I have a hard time believing the rest of the population will. Seriously, this movie was dumbfounding to me.

All that to say, I do not recommend this movie. Unless of course you have a strong desire to see a woman experience orgasm thanks to the efforts of a talking catfish. In that case, go nuts.

And of course, if you've ever wondered what a ghost monkey looks like, please see the above picture.

low lights and a wipe

We were lucky this week to have a professional in our midst whilst watching The Bachelor. AH's sister was in town from TO and as she is a make up artist she was able to provide us with inside insight into the great mystery of Michelle's black eye. Her prognosis: FAKE.

Here is how Stacy H came to this (not so) shocking conclusion:

• Exhibit 1: A black eye is ugly. When you wake up with a zit, you cover it up. Same principle with a black eye. Cover that shit up.
• Exhibit 2: A black eye usually comes with some swelling and/or puffiness. When Michelle "woke up" she had colour, but no puff.
• Exhibit 3: A black eye is often accompanied by burst blood vessels in the eye and it eventually turns yellow and green. None of this occurred. In fact, by the time of her "special day" came around, the black eye was miraculously gone. Side note ... since when did they start referring to one-on-one dates as their "special day"? Barf.
• Exhibit 4: As a "hair dresser," Michelle has no doubt worked with makeup artists and knows the tricks of the trade. Stacy's conclusion is that Michelle used a purple matte lipstick to fashion her black eye. And so concludes this episode of CSI: Bachelor.

Now that we've solved that mystery, onto date #1. Chantal was HC's early favourite, but she's quickly falling off her list for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to, the following:

• She was overly concerned about mascara running down her face during their underwater "date." Really?
• When Brad congratulated her on doing a great job underwater, she replied "it's because I've got you." I think the appropriate response to that comment is gag me with a spoon.
• Once they moved into the tent to continue their awkward making out, she thanked god for making it rain. Honey, I'm fairly certain god has more important things than determining the appropriate weather for your date.

Despite the appearance of my favourite silver fox Dr. Drew, the group date was not all that exciting. The only interesting part of the "therapy session" was when Brad said that he wanted to find out if one, or all, were compatible with him. He wants to be compatible with all of them? Since when did The Bachelor turn into Big Love? I know it's ridiculous that he's dating 15 women at the same time, but there's already a reality dating show about polygamy. It's called Sister Wives. Good for him for not giving the dentist the rose though. She seemed drunk and because she has nothing interesting to say (although none of them really do), she just created drama, to no effect.

Speaking of drama, at this point in the evening we took a break (as often occurs, see last week's google session) to discuss whether or not to forward new contact info to an old flame after you have broken up. Remember this guy? Well now that AZ is moving back to YYC, he is sending her random real estate emails and really wants her new contact information. She sees no reason to provide him with it. Nor do I ... clean breaks are good. For example, I recently got a new Blackberry and there is a certain "gentleman" with whom I have a history that has never ended particularly well, and I chose not to send him my new number ... Impressive, non?

I don't have a lot to say about Michelle's date except that we all agreed that she seemed to be taking a page from Kate Hudson's playbook in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. She had this whole fake narcissism thing going on. She freaked out just to get his sympathy and then was composed enough to non-chalantly give him a kiss halfway down where there happened to be a camera. She's a nutjob for sure. But would the show be interesting if she had been sent home in the first few weeks? Probably not. Especially because ABC has taken pains to edit out any of Brad's personality. Either that or he could possibly be the dullest man alive. Plus he talks so damn slowly.

At any rate, it was refreshing to watch the show this week with a neophyte. The rest of us had taken for granted that this is a show worth watching. Having a rookie is a reminder that in reality, the conversations are dull, the drama is contrived, and there are no winners. Well unless of course you count becoming a D-list celebrity and having HC and I follow you on twitter as "winning."

PS - The title of this post comes courtesy of our rookie makeup artist, referring to Emily, aka NASCAR Barbie. The consensus is that she is a pretty girl, but overly made up. She should definitely take Stacy's advice who so wisely stated that she could use "some low lights and a wipe."

PPS - I apologize for the excessive use of quotation marks in my Bachelor recaps ... it just seems so appropriate seeing as nothing is actually real.

PPS - I also apologize for all the links to previous posts. I guess it just goes to show that I've been talking about the same thing and the same people for a year now. Yowza.