I love you, now please go away

So Ali picked Roberto. Boring and Boringer belong together. I hope her hair extensions and his eyebrows are happy for a long long time. I will say that I think it was very classy the way she said goodbye to Chris, saving him from going through the rigamarole of picking a ring, talking into the camera about his hopes and dreams, and getting down on one knee. For that I can almost forgive her super annoying, never ending, giggle. I'm glad he can now go back to his beautiful Cape Cod house, hang out with his dog Jetty (not Jenny ... I looked it up), and drink with his brothers and their wives. And so here is my impassioned plea ...

Dear Chris,*

I really want you to be happy, and I don't think going on a reality show is the way to do it. Please, please, please don't become the next bachelor. You are a great guy and don't deserve the crazies that ABC will inevitably choose to become your potential bride. Everyone loves you right now, so don't ruin that goodwill by signing up for another 15 minutes of fame. No one wants to see you on the cover of US Weekly with some whore proclaiming "your love." Go home. Plant some trees. Play with your dog. Go for a walk on the beach. Throw a frisbee if you must. Find a new hobby. Like skiing for example. Have you ever been to the Canadian Rockies? The snow here is great and it's sunny all the time! I used to teach skiing and I could definitely help you conquer the black diamonds. And then, after we frolic in the snow, you feel like giving me a real diamond, I would not be opposed. If things go sideways (although how that could every happen, I have no idea), I promise not to sell our story to Star Magazine. I will however blog about it (but don't worry, as only 3 people read this blog, no one will really know). So if you're ok with that one condition, we're golden!

That's all I have to say for now. Please keep in mind my advice. I am very wise. And I think your dad would really like me.

All my love,

K

P.S. I promise if we are dating, I won't date anyone else at the same time. Even if he is as cute as Kirk.

* This may or may not be a real letter. The address for his family's landscape company is readily available.