it's always rainy in costa rica

My apologies for the delayed bachelor commentary. I blame the fact that it was not a great episode, except for the fact that ABC finally decided to divulge the ladies ages. That said, we didn’t really notice because we spent much of the episode trying to figure out if all of the girls have had boob jobs. We came to the conclusion that they all have except for Jackie and Britt and so they will be the next two to go. Jackie of course did leave. Britt will be gone soon enough. If they were kicked off judged on their outfits however, she would have been gone weeks ago. Seriously, she is the least fashionable lady on the show. And it's not like the other ladies are setting a high standard, so that's saying a lot.

My favourite part of the one-on-one date with Chantal was when she said that she and Brad know what it feels like to in a real relationship because whenever they’re together it rains. Not sure that I understand her logic on that one, but I’m sure it made sense in that pretty little head of hers. The best part of the group date involved someone who wasn’t actually on the date. Brad’s reaction to Alli’s screams from the hotel was awesome. The fact that she threw a full glass at Chantal was even better. Her bug freak out was hands down the best moment of the season so far. It was also probably the most honest one of the season. We also had a debate about what Michelle said about Brad when he took his shirt off. Go home and “fuck the shit out of him?” Or go home and “fuck yourself?” Either way, it was aggressive.

On the topic of Michelle, I agree that she is completely crazy, but at least she’s honest when she talks to the camera. We also think he really wants to sleep with her, and this is why he is keeping her around. Or perhaps he's just one of those guys who likes crazy girls ... AZ is looking for one of those guys, so if anyone knows one, let me know and I will pass along his information to her. Plus she had the worst hairstyle. Michelle is a hairdresser so she should know better. Those of you who know me know that I enjoy a bang braid as much as any other girl, but this braid took up half of her head

The rappelling date didn’t look that fun. In fact none of the dates looked that fun. Horseback riding through a field on what looked like mules and staring at random birds. And spalunking, really? I’m gonna call it and say going through that cave was the worst date of any season of The Bachelor, ever. As demeaning as I thought Shawntel’s shopping date was, this one was worse. Plus every date involved a helmet. While I agree dating can be dangerous, this is getting a bit ridiculous. I'm sure Costa Rica is a lovely place, but if I worked for Costa Rica Tourism I’d want my money back. The Bachelor is definitely not doing to Costa Rica what Oprah did for Australia.

I will say that when he dumped Alli he said as well as he could have said it. Mainly because I still believe he has someone feeding him lines ... that’s why he talks so slowly. Plus you can always tell when he goes off script. When he heard Alli’s screams, when Michelle showed up in his hotel room - he had a very good surprise face, you can tell he didn’t see it coming, unlike every other moment on the show that is filled with non-stop cliches: the “journey” they’re on, having their “walls” up, finding the “relationship” so hard, making a “connection,” blah, blah, blah.

So in general I guess you could say, that I was unimpressed with this episode. Not enough to keep me from watching the next one mind you. Because there is always a gem of a moment to keep you hooked. This week it was Chantal’s decision to wear another bad dress (not as bad as the mesh disaster from last week, but still bad) and to drop the early I love you. Bad dress + emotional train wreck = Bachelor awesomeness.

all by myself

I don’t have a lot to say about this week’s Bachelor, mainly because I watched it alone. Without the girls and their witty/snarky comments the episode didn’t really have me hooked. It might also have had something to do with the fact that I didn't drink any wine while watching. Won't make that mistake again. So here are my quick thoughts:

• Random brunette (Alli?) who commented "just because she comes in with the worst story, means she gets the most attention?" Um yep. That's why everyone tells their sob stories to get his attention.

• I know that the show was filmed months ago, but I feel like Nascar Barbie took our advice ... much less makeup and she looked so much better, non?

• Chantal threw out the word love. Oops. But then he called her baby. Ridiculous on both accounts. Also her dress at the rose ceremony was unbelievably ugly. I'm sorry HC but you need to take back your love for her.

• The Ashleys date was a bore. I had no interest in either of them staying or leaving. I did however enjoy the random shot of Brad's junk as they started their "performance."

• A green frosted cake to show Alli that he remembers the dress she wore is not an indication that he cares. It means that a cake was made that happened to have pink and green on it and a random production assistant who was paying attention on Brad's behalf slipped him the information.

• I know Michelle was trying to be sexy but I doubt it would have come off that way without the music provided by ABC.

• I don't think anyone was surprised by the girls he sent home as I didn't know their names until Chris told "Marissa" and "Lisa" it was time to say their goodbyes. I did really like Lisa's dress though.

• Brad has a very mechanical way of speaking ... like someone is feeding the lines into an earpiece a la Roxane. Someone told him to say hello, so he did. Someone told him to tell her she looked beautiful, so he did. It makes me think that he would be very methodical in bed ... like he has a list of all the erogenous zones in woman's body and would check each one off as he hit them, so to speak.

Finally I will say that I think that Shawntel’s shopping spree would almost be worth the humiliation of going on this ridiculous show. Almost.

I'm your girl ...

So while my new job certainly has the potential to be interesting, as of right now I don’t have much to do. Nor do I see much potential for busy-ness in the near future. As a result I will have to think of other things to do during the day to pass the time. So I am fielding requests! Need a health issue researched? I’m your girl. Wondering what “industry standard” is for things like when to first sleep with a guy or who should say I love you first? I can look into that for you. Looking for a trip itinerary to San Francisco or Paris? I can be your travel agent. The opportunities for me to do your menial tasks are endless …

I’m also considering writing something longer than a 500 word blog post – a short story perhaps? The problem is that I have no idea of what to write about … so if anyone out there has a super creative idea but just doesn’t have the time to flush it out, please feel free to send it my way and I will expand on it as best I can. Should it get picked up for a screenplay, I will give you a full co-author credit. I’ll even split the profits ... not 50/50 obviously, but you'll get something. But if it wins an Academy Award, please be warned that I will not share the 45 second time allotment for the speech.

snow day

It was a freezing and snow day today here in YYC, so it was a perfect opportunity to spend some quality time with my PVR. I watched 6 hours of Boardwalk Empire and now I have a strong desire to smoke, drink illegal whiskey, wear a flapper dress and date a gangster in a 3-piece suit and bowler hat.

I have two episodes left and while it took awhile for me to get into it, I am definitely wondering how it will all end. I especially enjoyed when "Chalky" took matters into his own hands and (semi-spoiler alert) strangled that dude.

Chalky of course is also known as Omar from The Wire. Man do I miss that show. I was trying to think of my favourite character .... the obvious ones would be Stringer Bell or McNulty. But I think I liked them all. Omar, all the kids (Randy in particular), Snoop, Chris, Prezbo, Greggs, Herc, Wallace (who is now on Parenthood ... of which every episode makes me cry), Bubbles, Daniels, Marlo, Buk, etc. Nothing else on tv like it. It makes me sad that I've seen every episode. Definitely not a guilty pleasure.

50/50

So two weeks ago HC went on a date with the aforementioned internet ghost. It was a second date and they went to the hockey game. Whilst at said game they bought some 50/50 tickets and they made a deal that if they won, they would book a trip to Vegas the next day. I guess this is standard deal that he makes at every hockey game with his friends. It's a great idea especially because you never expect it to actually happen. And of course it didn't - they did not win the 50/50 draw. But it was still a good date, and sometimes that's a victory in itself.

Flash forward to Friday night. HC and SS are at the hockey game. Dude is there as well with some of his friends, sitting in a corporate box somewhere. They are BBMing and HC is trying to make plans to meet up after the game for a drink. There is some witty banter back and forth and then radio silence. As the relationship is new, she thinks the worst. I go to meet the girls at the Rose and Crown after the game for a bevvie or two. We chat up a few young men. HC meets a guy. Let's call him "Doug." He scans her BB bar code (more on that new twist in dating in another post), and asks her to go for a drink the next day. She says yes, cause who knows what is going on with the other guy. So as we leave she gets a BBM from first guy, wondering where she ended up. Turns out, he disappeared because he and his friends actually won the 50/50. The four of them split $28,000 and immediately booked a trip to Vegas. They left at 7:30 on Saturday morning for 3 days.

Crazy right?

low lights and a wipe

We were lucky this week to have a professional in our midst whilst watching The Bachelor. AH's sister was in town from TO and as she is a make up artist she was able to provide us with inside insight into the great mystery of Michelle's black eye. Her prognosis: FAKE.

Here is how Stacy H came to this (not so) shocking conclusion:

• Exhibit 1: A black eye is ugly. When you wake up with a zit, you cover it up. Same principle with a black eye. Cover that shit up.
• Exhibit 2: A black eye usually comes with some swelling and/or puffiness. When Michelle "woke up" she had colour, but no puff.
• Exhibit 3: A black eye is often accompanied by burst blood vessels in the eye and it eventually turns yellow and green. None of this occurred. In fact, by the time of her "special day" came around, the black eye was miraculously gone. Side note ... since when did they start referring to one-on-one dates as their "special day"? Barf.
• Exhibit 4: As a "hair dresser," Michelle has no doubt worked with makeup artists and knows the tricks of the trade. Stacy's conclusion is that Michelle used a purple matte lipstick to fashion her black eye. And so concludes this episode of CSI: Bachelor.

Now that we've solved that mystery, onto date #1. Chantal was HC's early favourite, but she's quickly falling off her list for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to, the following:

• She was overly concerned about mascara running down her face during their underwater "date." Really?
• When Brad congratulated her on doing a great job underwater, she replied "it's because I've got you." I think the appropriate response to that comment is gag me with a spoon.
• Once they moved into the tent to continue their awkward making out, she thanked god for making it rain. Honey, I'm fairly certain god has more important things than determining the appropriate weather for your date.

Despite the appearance of my favourite silver fox Dr. Drew, the group date was not all that exciting. The only interesting part of the "therapy session" was when Brad said that he wanted to find out if one, or all, were compatible with him. He wants to be compatible with all of them? Since when did The Bachelor turn into Big Love? I know it's ridiculous that he's dating 15 women at the same time, but there's already a reality dating show about polygamy. It's called Sister Wives. Good for him for not giving the dentist the rose though. She seemed drunk and because she has nothing interesting to say (although none of them really do), she just created drama, to no effect.

Speaking of drama, at this point in the evening we took a break (as often occurs, see last week's google session) to discuss whether or not to forward new contact info to an old flame after you have broken up. Remember this guy? Well now that AZ is moving back to YYC, he is sending her random real estate emails and really wants her new contact information. She sees no reason to provide him with it. Nor do I ... clean breaks are good. For example, I recently got a new Blackberry and there is a certain "gentleman" with whom I have a history that has never ended particularly well, and I chose not to send him my new number ... Impressive, non?

I don't have a lot to say about Michelle's date except that we all agreed that she seemed to be taking a page from Kate Hudson's playbook in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. She had this whole fake narcissism thing going on. She freaked out just to get his sympathy and then was composed enough to non-chalantly give him a kiss halfway down where there happened to be a camera. She's a nutjob for sure. But would the show be interesting if she had been sent home in the first few weeks? Probably not. Especially because ABC has taken pains to edit out any of Brad's personality. Either that or he could possibly be the dullest man alive. Plus he talks so damn slowly.

At any rate, it was refreshing to watch the show this week with a neophyte. The rest of us had taken for granted that this is a show worth watching. Having a rookie is a reminder that in reality, the conversations are dull, the drama is contrived, and there are no winners. Well unless of course you count becoming a D-list celebrity and having HC and I follow you on twitter as "winning."

PS - The title of this post comes courtesy of our rookie makeup artist, referring to Emily, aka NASCAR Barbie. The consensus is that she is a pretty girl, but overly made up. She should definitely take Stacy's advice who so wisely stated that she could use "some low lights and a wipe."

PPS - I apologize for the excessive use of quotation marks in my Bachelor recaps ... it just seems so appropriate seeing as nothing is actually real.

PPS - I also apologize for all the links to previous posts. I guess it just goes to show that I've been talking about the same thing and the same people for a year now. Yowza.

cheap politics

So I've mentioned my disdain for Harper, (here and here) but thanks to his latest attack ads, it's crossing over into absolute hatred.

This ad is ridiculous and wrong on so many levels. Last time I checked, a coalition government is completely legal, not at all shady, and part of our parliamentary democracy. Harper is trying to scare the uneducated amongst us and I think it's completely wrong. Jeffrey Simpson's article in yesterday's Globe and Mail says it much more eloquently than I can, and Ignatieff may have his faults, but coming back to Canada to become an elected official is not one of them. Attacking his motives is cheap politics and I can't believe I live in a country where our prime minister thinks this type of mud slinging is completely acceptable.

I could go on but I won't. Mainly because watching this ad makes me want to throw my computer out the window and my new job doesn't pay me enough to buy a new one.