age is just a number pt. 2

So I don't often write embarrassing dating stories about myself, mainly because it's been awhile since I went on an actual date, but more likely it's because my friends are usually available to offer up much more scandalous stories.  And everyone knows that it's way more fun to write about others than it is to write about one's self.  But I actually have to call myself out for bad behaviour.  A few weeks ago my neighbours had a little party.  I stopped by for a drink.  One drink turned into several.  Normally this wouldn't be a bad thing, but have I mentioned that my neighbours are young?  And as such they have young friends?  Remember when I gave AZ a hard time for shamelessly flirting with a certain young man named Tag? Well I need to let that go.  Because this guy was not born in 1984.  He was still born in the 80s, but that's as much information as I'm willing to give.  Plus he wore a toque inside.  Yep, my youngin' is a hipster.  Within the definition of hipster in the urban dictionary, the above picture is one of the images that comes up.  I'd like you to picture this when you think of this story.  Only because dude looked nothing like this, but the image still makes me very happy.

At any rate it was all very PG and harmless. Except of course if you count the harm inflicted on me by my friends and their jokes about my taste in men of a certain age.  That said, they should be appreciative as I've now broken new ground.  So much so that Christie now insists as a result of my actions her boy crush, Sidney Crosby, is back in play.

a toonie

A toonie is what one of my colleagues gave me yesterday as a contribution to a gift for another one of our colleagues who is having a baby.  A toonie.  That's 2 dollars.  One coin.  That doesn't even cover the gas it cost me to drive to the mall to get the damn gift.  I mean, really, it's insulting, no?  I went on this rant with my mother yesterday and she pointed out that I don't know everyone's situation, and so shouldn't judge.  The thing is, that I know how much this woman makes, and so I judge.  Her situation is obviously that she was raised by wolves or something.  I understand you might not want to contribute - so don't.  Don't sign the card, and don't waste my time with a toonie!  And then, to top it off, I had to miss the damn meal where we gave her the gift today because I got stuck in a meeting.   But all was not lost, because I did accomplish quite a few things on this fine Friday:

• Booked my ticket to New York, and on points to boot!  I leave in 6 weeks.  More details on this trip to come in a future post.
• Had lunch with Christie, who just came back from NYC and so had some great tips.  Including where to get the best pancakes.  Now if only I could remember what that place was called.
• Bought a new pair of glasses.  My old ones are very old and not at all cool.  So I got a new pair.  As pictured here. The pink on the inside is pretty awesome.  As a bonus, the store was having a promotion/sale/charity thing where if you bring in 10 items for the Food Bank, you get 100 bucks off the frames!  Such a great idea.  

They are called Holland Park.  They are rad.

• When I got home I went for a great run along the river.  It was a full moon and a chinook.  Pretty great. 
• After the run, I rewarded myself with a burger and fries from Boogie's Burgers.  I wish I had taken a picture of the burger.  It was damn good.  And the fries were also awesome.  I recognize that eating like a glutton after going for a run is somewhat counter-productive, but it's a Friday night and eating a salad just felt unfair.  Plus I have absolutely no veggies in my house right now.

word of the day

Did you learn anything today?  Because I did.  A new word: extirpated.

What does it mean, you ask, impatiently I'm sure.  Well it means a species no longer existing in the wild in Alberta (or whichever jurisdiction you are currently in), but occurring elsewhere in the wild.  Fascinating stuff.  I also read about the 30+ different names for liverwort.

What's liverwort you ask, on the edge of your seat. It's a plant - check out this link for a bunch of pictures of green things.

And why am I learning these things at my job, you ask, this time in an exacerbated manner.  The answer: no fucking clue.

Incidentally, I got 51% in grade 11 biology, so the fact that this type of reading is part of my job now, is beyond hilarious.

counting the things I've done

So look at that - I vowed to blog twice a week and now a month has gone by without an update. Shocker. I blame my dirty condo. Not because I've spent all my writing time actually cleaning mind you, but because I think to myself that if I have enough time to write a post, I could spend that time cleaning. So in order to avoid the dreaded vacuum cleaner and organizing the guest room, aka "the place where things go to die" I also avoid hitting up the old blogger website. Instead I do important things like bake banana chocolate chip muffins and watch Gossip Girl. So even though it's November, I think it's about time I went over all the fun things I did this summer. I feel it's appropriate because now that we've "fallen back" and there is snow on the ground, I'm pretty confident that summer is officially over and I can make a full and complete tally of all the things I did. Here it is, in no particular order and with no particular explanation as to why these were important things:

• Wakeboarding - and not only did I learn how to wakeboard, I got up my second try. My history as waterskiier might have helped, but I was pretty impressed with myself. I also had good instructors (thank you AH and TS). But I will say that the next day my forearms were so sore I could barely squeeze the shampoo out of the bottle.
• Biking - I biked to work almost every single day. You would too if you had the awesome red cruiser pictured above (yes that is my actual bike).
• Zumbaing - I Learned to zumba. Okay, "learn" might be a bit of a stretch. But I went to a zumba class, danced my ass off and had one of the best laughs I've ever had.
• Getting old - I turned 35. The less said about that the better.
• I only went to one wedding! This really is exciting. And it was a fun one too. Extra points for the fact that butter chicken was the main course.
• I went home to Ottawa for 10 days. SS and HC came with me. We played croquet. Bet you didn't know that official croquet has over 30 rules. Needless to say we didn't follow any of them.
• Vegas! Now, normally this type of trip would garner it's very own blog post, but it really did happen a long time ago (September long weekend) and I have no photographic evidence as I lost my camera (while totally sober I might add), so it's almost like it didn't happen. Luckily I have my credit card statement to remind me about the trip. One thing I do remember is that I stayed up past 5 am two nights in a row, which really is shocking when you consider my age (as noted above). It was an impromptu trip, celebrating, among other things, the fact that Christie quit her job and AH's son turned one. While he was at home celebrating with grandma, AH was wearing a tie on her head chatting up a former Saskatchewan Roughrider named Big Earl.
• Running - Like an idiot, I went ahead and signed up for this stupid run again. And this year they changed the route to make it even more hilly and more difficult. But I finished. And once again it was a beautiful day, with great friends, and post-run burgers and beer. No hat stealing this year though. Although it should be noted that this past Sunday, HC, SS and the acquaintance who threw that post-bar party last year all ran the NYC marathon. I cheered HC and SS on from my couch and then went and ran 4.2 kms in honour of the fact that they were running 42 kms. Pretty much the same thing, right?
• Superhero - I rescued an 8 month old from a locked car. With my own two hands. Oh, and my phone. It was quite funny - I went to Gabe for Thanksgiving (you know, with the usual suspects, KM & Lily) to visit BB and TT. On Saturday afternoon, TT and I were out touring the galleries on the island, and TT accidentally locked her adorable infant in the minivan. Yep, they have a minivan - don't worry, we mocked them endlessly. Luckily I had the foresight not to leave my phone in the car, we called BB and he arrived from the other side of the island with the other set of keys to let the poor child out. I could not stop laughing. TT was somewhat frantic. Needless to say, we teased the poor woman for the rest of the weekend. Mother of the year that one.
• Ryan Gosling - well I didn't actually "do" the Gos, but I did see 2 of the 3 movies he was in this summer. You know I have a love for Dirty Dancing, so was a total sucker for the scene in "Crazy Stupid Love" where he shows off his "move." And ever since seeing Drive I have been somewhat obsessed with '80s synthesizer euro-pop. My two current faves are "A Real Hero" which is on the soundtrack and M83's "Midnight City" which I'm super bummed is now in a Victoria's Secret ad. Boo. As I basically wrote this whole post to this type of music, let's end on the video shall we? Because while I'm sure I did other stuff this summer worth noting, I think this list about covers all you need to know.

it's the little things pt. 4

On Thursday I came home from work to a belated bday card from KM (for a full description of my actual birthday click here). This card was a welcome laugh on an otherwise boring day. And while the card might have made me smile, the little present inside made me positively giddy. It was a magnet with the words "shithead" on it. For those who know me well (i.e. KM), they know that shithead is my favourite insult. Mainly because I like the visual – someone with a normal body, but instead of a head on top, there is a big ball of shit. It’s juvenile, I know, but it makes me laugh. And so the fact that KM saw this fridge magnet and thought of me, well it just means so much. It really is the little things.

The magnet in question is pictured here. This is my actual fridge. To the right and slightly above said magnet is a Globe and Mail clipping - my one and only letter to the editor that made it into the actual paper. Unsurprisingly it was a letter commenting on the ridiculousness of a Harper policy. On top of that - two fortune cookies fortunes (you may recall this post). Then to the left is a picture of my old roomates from university (including KM, she of the awesome magnet) taken in an apple tree in the Annapolis Valley. It was taken at the beginning of May 1999 - so the blossoms were in full bloom, just in time for the world famous Apple Blossom Festival. Below the magnet is an autograph from Orland0 Bloom, written on the back of a coaster from the Four Seasons in the Bahamas. My parents were there for a conference and Orly was staying there whilst filming Pirates of the Caribbean (part II I think). My dad worked out with him for an hour having no idea who he was. My mom spotted him later and got the signature. I'm not a huge fan of his or anything, it's just kind of a nice memento and a good story.

And finally, below and to the left is my newly purchased membership in the Progressive Conservative Party of Alberta. Shocking I know, given my leftie leanings. I was actually a member once before, back in 2006, when I was part of the stop Ted Morton movement. People like me are known as "temporary tories." There's been some backlash, but this is the way the system works. And seeing as the PCs have been ruling this province for 40 years, if you want to have an actual say in who is running the government, taking part in the leadership election is the best way to do it. So I voted. And guess what? My vote made a difference and my choice won. It really was the best 5 bucks I spent this month! There have been a lot of surprising political victories this year - Nenshi, Layton, and now Redford. People talk about how uninteresting politics is and how apathetic the electorate has become. But then stuff like this happens and it gives us hope. Now I'm not about to get all "yes we can" on you - let's face it, the conservatives are still in power and I had no other plans on this particular saturday night - but the fact that I stayed up way past my bedtime last night to follow the #pclrd hashtag happenings on twitter and woke up actually interested in the results should mean something to someone. So now there will be a general election sometime in the next year and we'll see how Redford fares with those people unwilling to pay 5 dollars to have their say. And you can bet everyone of those 5 dollars that I will be calling more than one of the politicians running in that election a shithead. Good thing I have the magnet.

it's always the quiet ones

I've mentioned the struggles I sometimes have with my job. Well one day last week was one of them. Last Monday I unwittingly took part in a social experiment … at about 1PM I realized that beyond exchanging pleasantries with coworkers in the kitchen and bathroom (as in “hi, how are you, good, how are you, not bad, have a good day”) I did not have a substantive conversation with anyone in my office. There are 400 people that work in my organization. About 90 or so are on my floor, 60 of whom are in my business unit and 12 people who have offices along my hallway and not one of them went out of their way to engage me in conversation. I guess the question could be, well, why didn’t you make more of an effort? And I did – I said hi to the guy parking his bike beside mine this morning. I asked a colleague if she wanted to grab a coffee. She had a meeting so couldn’t. And then I ran into someone from another floor in the elevator and she said we should go for coffee later. I said sure, but she never did ask me for coffee.

So on this particular Monday, when I realized that I really hadn’t talked to anyone in depth, I wondered if I could make it through the rest of the day without doing so. No suspense really – it was easy. No one came by my office and no one said hello when I passed them in the halls. I even made sure to get up and move around more than usual. Seriously - I did laps around my floor. I hung out in the kitchen, pretending to read the paper, ready to discuss current events with people who came in to grab something from the fridge. Still nothing. They say silence is golden, but this was a bit ridiculous. It's not always this way of course, but I'm pretty sure I could become a mute and my co-workers might not notice. It's a good thing I have such interesting voices inside my head - otherwise I might never have a conversation with anyone ever again.

back to the lake, back to the books

So just like last year, I went home to the family cottage this summer and devoured a few books. Here is my reading list and my impressions of the books:

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot - You know sometimes you just want to read non-fiction? Well this one fit the bill - fascinating story, well written, a subject matter that is not too heavy yet makes you think, interesting characters, and so on. Plus it validated my choice never to become a doctor. Well choice might be a bit overblown ... I got 51% in grade 11 biology which pretty much prevented me from ever going into any type of scientific field. The story is about the HeLa cells - the first human cells to grow outside of humans. These cells were then used in various medical trials that ultimately led to the polio vaccine, treatment for cancer and parkinsons, etc etc. The real story though is about her family, with the ultimate question of the book being an ethical one - is it immoral to use human cells without permission, even if they have led to scientific breakthroughs. It also got me thinking about the commodification of our body. Really interesting stuff. But it wasn’t until page 130 or so that the author explained why it was that Henrietta’s cells grew were able to be successfully cultured in the lab while so many others had died. The answer? There is none. Really. This brings me back to my earlier statement about grade 11 biology - the problem I had with biology in high school still exists today - you just have to accept certain facts. There is no explanation for them, it just happens. I’m always searching the root cause of things, the series of steps that enables certain events - in biology events just happen. They are the root cause and that’s it. Case closed.

The Beauty of Humanity Movement by Camilla Gibb - I really enjoyed this book. Love Camilla Gibb. This was an easier read than Sweetness in the Belly, not quite as heart-wrenching, but equally lyrical. Set in Vietnam, with the war, politics, art and food woven throughout. One of the main characters sells Pho on the street and the vivid description of how he makes his soup had my mouth watering on almost every page. Needless to say that while reading all I wanted was Pho and so as soon as I landed back in Calgary I hit up the closest Vietnamese restaurant to devour a bowl.

When God was a Rabbit by Sarah Winman - The first part of this book is quite funny - like laugh out loud funny. The description of the main character’s struggle with God and then her school play were very amusing. The sad story of her best friend’s mom and her brother’s struggle with love were also very touching. Then the characters grew up, they became quite serious and far less interesting. I definitely lost interest in the second half. Too bad - such promise! But apparently Kate Middleton was reading it this summer too! Such kindred spirits we are ...

Moonlight Mile by Dennis Lehane - As previously mentioned I love a good mystery. Watched the Lincoln Lawyer on the plane and I highly recommend it. This one is a sequel of sorts to Gone Baby Gone, which I never read, but did see. It was a quick read, with good dialogue, but kind of a dodgy storyline, that I never really bought into. But whatevs, it kept my interest for the day.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer - I’m not sure why I had never read this book before. I really enjoyed his first book (Everything is Illuminated) and the History of Love, by his wife Nicola Kraus is one of my favourite books. I think I’ve picked it up a million times, skimmed through the pages and decided it was bit too precious, so never took the time to read it. Glad I finally gave it a go - was surprised at how engrossing it was. At times it feels a bit contrived and somewhat like he’s trying too hard, but all in all I enjoyed it. They’re making a movie of it right now - have no idea how that’s gonna work. It has really random characters, with fantastical backstories, and is not set out in a linear fashion at all.

on laziness and vampires

I have been remarkably bad at updating my blog this summer and so on this Saturday night as I lie here on my couch catching up on True Blood - which as a sidebar, I think we can all agree went super downhill this year - I don't know about you, but I don't care about witches. At all. Also, Eric in sport shorts and hoodies? Me no likey - give me back the black leather and tank tops. At least in tonight's episode he was back ... when he ripped that dude's heart out and then licked his finger? Well, come on. Just beautiful.

Ok, back to the task at hand. Now that September has arrived and the fun of summer is slowly coming to an end (more on that later), I vow to get back to the blogging on a more regular basis. Because I know my 7 readers have missed me, I will write something at least twice a week! Oh and I will also eat fewer carbs and exercise more regularly. I find I need to set more than one goal, because then if I only meet one, I don't feel so badly about totally failing at the others.

a very long Stampede recap

Good news! All that talk of nothing exciting happening, went swiftly out the window on the Friday of Stampede at the rodeo! There was much drama and intrigue, including a stand-off between one set of exes, a friendly meeting between another, and a Spansede hook-up with a familiar face. A few weeks have passed and the alcohol has finally worn off, so I feel I can write a proper summary of the events.

So it all started off innocently with lunch at Cilantro. Very classy. Cheese plate, salads and only 2 bottles of Australian Sauvignon Blanc. Then we went to the rodeo. Also started off classy – infield seats, more wine, was all good. Then we switched to beer. Then we went to the infield beer garden where we had more beer. So many plastic cups full in fact that AH and AZ needed help carrying the beer from the bar to the place we were standing a mere 10 metres away. So they recruited some helpers. Turns out, one of the helpers was Yankee Hat Guy! (yes, this city is really that small). He was almost unrecognizable in his sunglasses and cowboy hat – seriously he carried the beers over to us before we realized we kind of knew this guy and his friends. We probably would have figured it out eventually - his winning good looks and extremely white smile gave him away. Plus when SS arrived from another party, he immediately turned up the charm. Much witty conversation ensued. It did almost go completely awry when SS’ ex-husband (let’s call him DB, which may or may not stand for douchebag) showed up, along with the originator of “Spansede", HC’s ex. But both fought through it. When talking to a random 3rd person who asked HC and Mr. Spansede how they knew each other, he very politely replied “we dated for awhile.” 3rd person was impressed at their friendliness. While SS was talking to Mr. Spansede her ex was standing about 5 metres away with his back to her. As I don't have a picture of the event here is my attempt at drawing it - stick figures are about as artistic as I get.

After the back to back standoff, SS decided to be the bigger person, went over and said hello, have a good stampede and off we went. I think he was in shock. SS = 1. DB = 0.

Off we went to Cowboys, the “legendary” tent which has been missing for the past few years in Calgary. More tomfoolery ensued. Ran into RB who was rocking the cowboy fascinator, and who has no recollection of when she and Ryan did the Dirty Dancing lift in the smoking area. AZ’s Norwegian crush LT showed up in fully Stampede regalia, danced like a maniac for an hour, and pulled a houdini, cementing his status as a foreign enigma. Yankee Hat Guy was there, but missing in action, save for his very cryptic email to SS which said, and I quote, “wanna make out?” So then the dance played out and eventually they left … together. I won’t sully my friend’s name by publicly declaring whether or not she was a good hostess, but let’s just say that after day one of Stampede, the score was SS = 2. DB = 0. It should also be noted that while some of my friends tried to claim that they “drank themselves sober” one of them threw up before going to bed and another slept on the hardwood floor in the living room while her husband and cousin looked on and laughed. Oh and Cory threw up on the street.

On Sunday night I went to the Chucks. No horses were harmed, but whoever produced the evening show should probably be. The performers did their best, and I appreciate all the work the Young Canadians put into it, but the attempt to provide a narrative thread (in this case it was the “garden of imagination”) to a mishmash of performances was completely pointless. The Chucks were awesome as usual. In another life I would like to be an outrider.

Tuesday night was the CBA party, which surprisingly doesn’t have any crazy stories, but was still fun. We saw threesome guy, who uncharacteristically kept grabbing our asses. Made us wonder about a potential substance abuse problem. Good news is that we saw him again the next night and he was quite sheepish - I think he was just quite drunk. I saw this guy from back in the day – he was not as alluring as he had been a year and a half ago, but still a nice guy. I did facebook stalk him the next day and confirmed that he has a gfriend. Oh well, like I said, not as endearing as previously thought. DB was standing at the entrance talking to some friends and saw us. Within 3 seconds he had moved further into the party. I think we can now say that SS has the upper hand. SS = 3. DB = 0.

On Wednesday we hit up the Stampede Round-Up. This night was memorable for many reasons, not the least of which is that I finally got to see the band that sings the one country song I know all the words to – “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).” I don’t know that I ever needed to see them live, and to be honest I was too busy drinking free beer and stalking Yankee Hat Guy (of course he was there!) to actually “watch” them, but I appreciate that they were playing in the background. Later on we got to see some equally cheesy pop music when we went the ultimate boy band concert – NKOTBSB! But back to the Fort Calgary party. Oftentimes we are scrambling to get tickets to this event, but this year they magically appeared courtesy of SS and AH. So yes, YHG was fairly easy to spot thanks to his winning good looks and very white smile. His smile is so perfect that we were considering changing his moniker to CC – which represents both the short form of Cheshire Cat and his actual initials – but it seems a bit too obvious. So we will stick with the much more creative YHG. There was much too-ing and fro-ing about how to approach him (even though SS had run into him at another party on Monday night …as I wasn’t there, it’s not included in this very official Stampede summary). Eventually contact was made, but things got a bit awkward when his ex-gf, who is now engaged to someone else, came up to say hello. It should be noted that as the world is so small, his ex used to be friends with SS and was actually invited to SS’s wedding to DB. She didn’t come and they aren’t friends anymore. There’s more drama to the story, but frankly this is getting a big long, so let’s just say, it was uncomfortable for everyone involved and YHG pulled the plug soon thereafter. As a result, SS didn’t leave with him, and came with us to the NKTOBSB concert as planned. We have a friend who is on a first name basis with the NKOTB and actually gave them the cowboy hats that they wore at the concert. She also got us great tickets that enabled us to get this close to the BSB resident bad boy AJ:

The concert was a hoot (I sound like my mom) and we danced and sang along with the boys in all of their cheesy glory. I'd also like to point out I've had "I want it that way" in my head for the past 2 weeks.

So now we find ourselves at Thursday, which also happened to be my bday. Now I’m not really a big birthday person, but for the second year in a row, my birthday happened to fall during stampede, which means everyone is out, so it’s natural to have a party. The problem in this case was that my birthday was at the tail end of stampede (so everyone is tired of going out) and I was super busy at work (I know … who knew?) so it was kind of a pain. But I soldiered through. I managed to sneak out of work to hit my company party, which unsurprisingly, was kind of lame. Then headed to my previous employer’s party, which was actually quite good – helped along by the fact that I’m good friends with many of my former co-workers and there was free booze. Then we wandered over to Cowboys (again), where other people bought me drinks, mostly shots, and I proceeded to get somewhat drunk and belligerent. But this was not entirely unexpected as in the weeks leading up to my big day, when discussing plans, I had sent out an email inviting people to come meet me, but with a qualifier indicating that “I will be drunk and belligerent as I come to terms with the fact that I am the oldest person I know.” That my friends, is a direct quote. And a prophetic one at that. A bunch of peeps were there – all at various stages of drunkenness. Luckily AH and SS had been triple fisting beer and wine at the rodeo and some of my former co-workers had done shots along with me, so while I was still the drunkest one there, at least I had some friends along for the ride. After eating a bucket of mini-donuts that substituted for a cake, I raised my hand, thanked everyone for coming, and declared my birthday to be over. So even though I was home by 11, my 8am meeting the next day was a rough one, and I made it through thanks only to the extra-large fountain pop I picked up at Subway. Needless to say I got a few looks from my colleagues as they sipped their coffee and silently judged me.

And so Stampede was finally over. YHG seems to have disappeared into the ether - if and when he surfaces, I'll be sure to let you know. Either way, I think we can all agree that SS won Stampede this year.

into the wild

You will no doubt have noticed that I've been remarkably silent as of late. Mainly because nothing too exciting has been going on. Well things have been going on, but no really funny stories have emerged as a result. To be honest, there aren’t even really any boring stories that I can embellish to make funny. So instead here are some pictures of the wilderness ...

1) Kootenay River - I went canoeing on the May long weekend. Was a lovely trip with great food, good weather, really nice people and plenty of cold beer! What you can't see in this picture is the massive wave to the far right of the river that nearly caused us to flip the canoe, which would have sucked as the water was maybe 5 degrees (incidentally perfect temp for keeping the aforementioned beer nice and cold). I have never come this close to going over on a trip like this and really I’m not sure how we stayed upright. All the canoes following us either went into rescue mode or got the hell away from the line we took. When we came to shore 2 minutes later, I have never enjoyed a nerve-calming beer* more.

2) Bryant Creek hut - Two weeks ago I went for an overnight jaunt into the mountains. Once again it was lovely - great people, great food, okay weather and not nearly enough wine. You would think that 5 bottles + bailey's between 6 people would be sufficient, but it was not. We did still manage to have a somewhat raging dance party though, so that's always fun. What you can’t see in this picture is the pain in my hip flexors. I was thinking this would be a nice relaxing walk through the woods, easing me into the backcountry camping, but then I realized that while there may not have been much elevation gain, we still walked 28 km roundtrip. Ouch.

After all that fun in the wilderness, it's time for some fun in the city. Luckily Stampede/Spansede starts tomorrow. Surely some good stories will come out of that one. Not only of the scandalous hookup type that are the norm this time of year, but perhaps there will be some good royal stories! Will and Kate are here ... Will I get to meet them? And if so, will she become my new best friend? In theory, the answer is of course yes, but in reality? We'll know by Friday afternoon!

*Anyone else notice that I managed to say the word beer 3 times in a 5 sentence paragraph that was ostensibly about canoeing? I wonder if there is some deeper meaning to that?

on weddings and swedish berries

It's been awhile since I went on my wedding rule rant (found here). And since then I've been to 3 weddings. For those keeping count, that makes 4 in 8 months. And I just RSVP "no" to one in August. Seriously. This is my life.

I don't really have too much to add to the rules that were previously discussed as all 3 weddings actually followed them very closely. They all had great food, open bar, and very satisfying guest gifts (tea strainer spoon, candy loot bags and cake balls). The speeches were short and sweet at all of them (although at wedding #2 there was errant speech by the mother-of-the-bride read by the aunt-of-the-bride that was not quite as touching as she probably had hoped for), flowers and decor were lovely and not-at-all over the top, and the only ceremony to symbolize their love for each other was the actual ceremony (yes, I'm talking to you mr. made up candle and/or sand ritual).

The groom in wedding #3 was Indian, which made for some fantastic music. I've decided that no matter what ethnicity the man I marry is, we will have definitely be having some of this music playing in the background during dinner and then for a few dances as well. I'm sure it will seem perfectly normal.

Unsurprisingly I didn't really meet any new men at the various weddings. That whole "weddings are a great place to meet singles" is truly a fallacy. Only once in the 17 thousand weddings that I've been to has that actually happened to me. He was cute. He was South African and he wore a kilt as the groom was Scottish. We are now facebook friends and I thoroughly enjoy all of his rugby and cricket updates. At wedding #1 I was the only single girl there. Actually I take that back, HG was there and she was on her own, but only because her husband works in Syria. Yep, you read that right, Syria. Because that's a safe place to be right now. So she was my quasi-date - I got the fish, she got the red meat, we split the dessert. You know the drill.

At wedding #3 I didn't drink enough to hit on any of the young men there (and I really mean young - we're talking mid twenties - tops). At wedding #2 I had kind of a funny moment, especially as it relates to this blog. And the post from June 7th of last year in particular (click here). As pictured above, there was a candy bar at this wedding, which included swedish berries. There was also a Swedish guy there. So I asked him "what do you call these tasty treats in your homeland?" His response? "Candy." Smart ass.

safety first pt. 3

So it's been awhile since I've discussed the obsession my workplace has with safety (for a quick refresher, see here and here), but the quarterly internal magazine just came out and there was an article in it that struck me. It was called "Exercise vs. Egress." Some of the highlights are below:

"A number of employees use the stairs to run up a flight or two rather than wait for the elevators. Why not, it saves time and allows you to get in a little exercise at the same time. But, the question is, "is it always safe?" In a building as old as this one, stairwells were built solely for egress (the act of exiting), which is why they are so narrow .... if an emergency were to occur there could be extreme congestion if the stairs are not being used for their true purpose ... The building has already experienced a number of near misses. The stairwells are

not monitored by building security, so one scenario to consider is that if while using the stairwell you were to trip or experience a medical emergency it is quite possible you would not be found for quite some time."

For reals. Apparently at my place of employment, safety trumps fitness. I'm obviously not the only one who chooses to flaunt this workplace health and safety guideline as I often run into people in the stairwell - which incidentally is easily wide enough to fit two people going in opposite direction - so I know that should I trip and hit my head, I would found promptly enough. But as a bonus, I did learn a new word = egress. I will now try to use it at least once a day from now on. Sentence for today: If my employer comes up with one more ridiculous safety guideline, I will have to egress through the nearest open window!

abuse of the ellipsis

So only AH was able to make it to watch the Bachelorette on Monday night and she started of the evening telling me a funny story. On the weekend she was up at her cabin and her cousin Marco was also there. I don’t know if I have mentioned that AH is Greek, but she is and it’s a fundamental part of the story. So at one point Marco was playing with her son (let’s call him “Mikey”) and he had a Bert doll (as in Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street). As he grew up in Greece, he doesn’t know who Bert is, so in his game, Bert was “Mitchell” from the village. When AH asked him what and who the hell he was talking about, he explained that this random doll, with the mono-brow, looked exactly like Dimitri (English name Mitchell) from the small village back in Greece.

Now you may wonder what this has to do with the Bachelorette. Well the connection is tenuous, but it exists. I opined that Ashley would send home mask-guy and Greek guy. But then she picked Constantine first. What? He didn’t say a word the whole episode. English or Greek. Just one of the many moves Ashley made that had us all scratching our heads and wondering what the eff is wrong with her. It also got us wondering what the English name is for Constantine. After some extensive research (i.e. googling “English name for Constantine) it seems the answer is Constantine. Boring.

Moving on. If you look back at my many posts, you will notice that I’m a big fan of the ellipsis. I probably over use it, but I enjoy that when used properly, it can convey something that goes unsaid. I “dated” a guy who used the ellipsis at the end of every sentence in an email and it drove me crazy. I felt like I had to read between the lines to understand what he was saying. At the time, I figured he was the king of double speak. But Bentley’s insistence that his callous departure didn’t have to be goodbye, it could be “dot dot dot” takes the ellipsis to a whole new level and so I crown him the new king of double speak – or in a less polite term – bull shit. That said, I did not feel bad for Ashley as she was crying and talking to herself in bed, as she did it to herself, by believing that he was there for the right reasons and deciding that she was in love with him, after talking to him a total of 4 times. So thank you Chris Harrison stepping in and talking some sense into poor little Ashley. She definitely needed it.

So I would say that JP is still my front runner. He seems like a perfectly lovely, totally crush-worthy guy.* The problem of course is that Ashley is quite boring and has not proven herself to be that smart, so I will be very disappointed if he ends up with her. Much like Chris from Ali’s season, I hope that they don’t end up together and that he goes off into the sunset, away from the spotlight, and doesn’t end up in some ridiculous fame-whoring relationship with an insecure idiot like Ashley.

Why do I watch this show again?

*It should be noted that HC’s new boyfriend (he of the conservative leanings) is also perfectly lovely and totally crush-worthy and his name also happens to be JP. But he has a full head of hair and speaks with a French accent, so we can definitely rule out that it’s the same person. Phewf.

where the streets have no name

Remember way back in June last year when I was so upset that the U2 concert was postponed? In the true spirit of never being satisfied, this June I'm upset because the concert is over! It was on Wednesday night, and my, how fabulous it was. Beautiful evening, beautiful music and a few great stories - this one about Bono hitchhiking is just so fantastic. Only in Canada would an Edmonton Oiler pick up a rock star on the side of the road.

I then spent the 3 hour drive back to Calgary listening to all the U2 songs on my ipod. The one below will I think always be my favourite:

I should also point out that while U2 is obviously a big-time band, they are also a sentimental favourite. My brother had both October and War before they were big and so the fact that I got to go to their concert 30 years later is one of those things that kind of throws me for a loop. But it also makes me thankful to be able to enjoy such fabulous things like good live music and singing at the top of my lungs on the open road.

HC with the win

So the new season of the Bachelorette has begun. I'm trying to fight this weird need I have to watch this damn show. But once again, I get sucked in, even though I said it at the end of Brad's season and I'll say it again - Ashley is incredibly annoying. And according to Tim, definitely not hot enough to get guys to watch the show.

My early fave is JP. I also liked the guy who had the guitar gimmick in the 1st episode, but she got rid of him. I originally liked William, but his dorkiness is killing my desire. There are a bunch of non-descript dark haired guys of whom I have no opinion on thus far. The dates, though have sucked. Eating dinner in the Bellagio fountain surrounded by screaming "fans?" No thanks. A random interpretive dance date? Yuck. And I don't even remember the last one, but I'm sure it was lame. HC didn't watch it with us last night, but she gets the quote of the episode in the BBM she sent me 15 minutes ago: "ABC is running the Guantanamo Bay of dating shows." Took me a minute, but I realized she was making a smart political reference to torture. So wise that one.

guilty feeling got no rhythm

Guilt - it's a tricky feeling. And one I find myself struggling with constantly. About lots of things and to varying degrees.

There are of course many different kinds of guilt. There’s harmless guilt, like the name of this blog, referring to songs that are so lame they’re good. There’s nagging guilt, as in “I shouldn’t have eaten that cookie” or “I should really go to the gym.” There’s guilt in a court of law, as in “we the jury find you guilty of murder.” There’s moral guilt, as in cheating on your spouse or plagiarizing an essay. And then there’s psychological guilt, which according to Freud (and Wikipedia), is "an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done (or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done)."

It’s this last one that is haunting me these days. For women my age, this type of guilt is most often associated with working mothers - when they're with their kids they feel guilty for not working and when they're at work they feel guilty about not spending enough time with their kids. Well I have no children, but I still feel guilty when I make decisions that I think might disappoint or negatively impact others. I easily forget the mantra “you can’t please all people all the time” and so when I try to in fact do this, I end up overextending myself, having to back out of a plan and then feeling guilty about reneging. So in this way it’s my own fault.

But in another way, it’s something I have no control over. As a single childless woman with a good but not overly cumbersome job, living in a perfectly manageable 800 sq foot condo, I don’t really have any responsibilities beyond myself. So sometimes it makes it tough to figure out what my main priorities should be – Friends? Family? Job? Favourite activities? Decorating? The gym? Fashion? Food? Myself? When I choose one over the other why does it feel so bad? And then, when my friends’ and family's priorities are ordered differently than mine, and I choose one of mine over one of theirs, which I know might disappoint them, once again I end up feeling shitty.

One of the easiest ways to answer this of course should be - do what makes you happy. Life is too short … (fill in the blank here – to drink cheap wine, to read a bad book, to watch from the sidelines, and so on and so forth). Sadly it’s hard to live that way. In fact, living without guilt effectively means that you are a psychopath, something I don’t think anyone should really be aiming for. But a blog post like this one from Derek Miller does help to put things into perspective. I think what I should try to do is whenever I feel guilty (like really guilty, not the eating a cookie guilty) is to re-read the “Here it is, I’m dead” post and work on letting go of the guilt. It's really the least I can do. Check back with me soon and I’ll let you know how it goes.

And yes, the title of this post does refer to the classic Wham! song "Careless Whisper." When I googled the term "guilty feeling got no rhythm," imagine my surprise when I found out the actual words are "guilty feet have got no rhythm." Turns out I have been signing this song incorrectly for 25 years. This of course only adds to my enjoyment of it! In case you forgot how awesome George Michael was back in the day, I implore you to take a look:

april 29th to may 3rd

Sorry for my absenteeism. I have absolutely no excuse, except that I don’t have much to say these days. I really don’t have anything exciting to report about what has been going on in my life. I continue to be obsessed with the royal wedding, even though it’s over. I think because they gave us a tiny little peak into what is usually an intimate event (i.e. a wedding) and so now I want to be given access to everything else. Plus I love hats. And Prince Harry. SS and I watched together – I stayed over at her house, we set the alarm for 3 am MST, watched the event whilst eating homemade (by SS) scones and clotted cream and drinking mimosas. We watched the ceremony and the carriage ride and then went back to bed around 5:30. Got up again at 9 am and then I re-watched to see what I had missed the previous time, including the double-kiss on the balcony. Here is the scene the couch at approximately 4:20 am.

The afternoon of the wedding, I headed off to Vancouver in search of some greenery and warmth. After the craptastic weather we’ve been having in lovely YYC, I decided a tropical vacation was in order. Unfortunately my wallet only allowed me to get as far as Vancouver. But it was definitely warmer there it I had a very relaxing weekend with KM that consisted of beer, sushi, a ferry ride, burgers, wine, hockey, trivial pursuit and brunch.

Then I came back to two equally dramatic, but very different deaths; those of Osama bin Laden and the Liberal Party of Canada. Both were felled by sneak attacks – the first was killed by a team of NavySeals, while the latter was dealt a death blow by a man with a moustache and a cane. The only positive thing I can say about the election is that at least the Bloc Quebecois now has fewer seats than my car. Beyond that, I should probably refrain from talking about the results as this post could easily devolve into a crazed rant that I don’t really have the time or the energy for. That said, I did enjoy the conversations I had both during and after the election with 2 of my BOFs. What’s a BOF you ask? It’s a Boyfriend-Of-Friend. Knowing that I am political junkie, the male companions of both CG and HC decided to get in touch. Sadly both of them were satisfied, and in HC’s young man’s case downright giddy, with the results. You know what they say - you can pick your friends and you can pick your boyfriends, but you can’t pick your friends’ boyfriends. Although with team dating, we do our darndest. More on that later.

no poetry, just politics

It's been a few weeks since my last politics post ... my apologies, I've been too busy following the election to actually write about the election. Plus I don't really have happy thoughts about the whole thing, so I have a hard time sitting down to write about unhappy things. Why I am unhappy you ask?

Well for one, Harper's dead eyes during the debate scared me. Secondly, I have a home phone number and so I get 3-5 nuisance polling calls a night. And finally, I am feeling unbelievably disenfranchised because despite the fact that I live in the 4th largest city in Canada, not one of the leaders has bothered to show up here yet. Not even Harper, and his riding is here.

I'm feeling particularly disheartened because despite the fact that I live in a riding that should be up for grabs, as it is an empty seat (former cabinet minister Jim Prentice has left politics - an exit that I'm pretty sure had something to do with the above-mentioned Harper dead eyes thing), but still, according to project democracy, some random woman named Michelle Rempel is going to win my riding with 54% of the vote. Not because she's fabulous mind you - according to a trusted source who was at a meet and greet with the candidates last night, she's actually quite the opposite. On her website she talks about lower taxes, fighting crime, and the coalition. There are three things wrong with those statements - Canada already has a low corporate tax regime, crime is on the decline, and there is no such thing as a coalition. And then today she was the only candidate not to show up at a debate at the U of C, even though she actually works at the U of C! According to her spokesperson, she declined because "her campaign team didn't like the moderator." Um, I don't like snow in April, but I still walked to work this morning! You can't always get what you want Michelle! I'm sure that attitude will serve you well in Parliament. All the best to you, but please know that while you might end up representing my riding, I will never call you my representative.

Okay enough with the sad ranting, on to better things that have come out of this election. Such as this awesome video and website. As someone who has multiple relatives from Cape Breton, I particularly enjoy the Rita McNeil reference. Embedding is has been disabled, so you'll just have to check it out on youtube or just go directly to shitharperdid.

it's the little things pt. 3

So this week has not been stellar, due to a variety of extenuating circumstances involving asshole husbands (not mine), crappy jobs (again not mine), and fathers in the hospital (this time it was mine, but it turns out he's fine). Plus it was colder than it needed to be for April 7th and so I was feeling rather down on my walk home from work. But then, about 3 blocks from home, the sun came out, a great song came onto my ipod (see video below) and I caught the eye of a guy in a car turning right, and he smiled and waved. He was cute too. And unlike this guy, he was wearing a shirt! Plus we have so much in common: he was wearing aviators, I wear aviators; he drove a Subaru, I drive a Subaru; he had a Lake Louise bumper sticker on his car; I was there just a few weeks ago! I think that means we're dating now. Now if only I knew his name ...

goddamn you mother nature pt. 2

On Sunday morning this is what I saw when I walked out of my house. Keep in mind that it was April 3rd. It was all kinds of awesome.*

A good 20 cms of snow had fallen since Friday night. I could only take the picture on Sunday morning because it was too depressing to leave the house on Saturday. One - because of all the snow, and two - because I was very hungover, thanks to celebrating JM's 35th birthday on Friday night. I won't get into any of the gory details of the night, but needless to say on Saturday I would have paid 100 dollars for someone to hand deliver me a quarter pounder, fries and fountain pop.

And yes, that is my spanking new car. Love it.

* incidentally, if I look back at previous posts, there was a similar bad news snow story in April of 2010 ... not sure why I was surprised this time around. I'm a sucker I guess.

ghost monkeys and catfish sex

So on Tuesday night I saw the weirdest fucking movie I have ever seen in my life. CG and I have a tendency to go see obscure foreign films, and more often than not, they end up being great. This one? Not so much. All signs pointed to an intriguing mystical film – it won the Palme D’Or at Cannes, was named the best Asian film of the year and got 4 stars from the Globe and Mail.

I did not get it. Ostensibly the story is about a dying man recalling his past lives as well as those people he had lost in his current life. A Buddhist story of death if you will. I think karma was supposed to be one of the themes. I don’t know what kind of bad karma I’m carrying around that meant I had to be punished by sitting through 2 hours of painful Thai cinema. Ugh.

In one of his past lives Boonmee was a water buffalo, and in another he was either a princess, a slave, or a catfish. This particular flashback was definitely one of the weirdest ones as the princess rejected the slave, so he then morphed into a catfish, started talking, convinced the princess to enter the pond and then began orally pleasuring her. For reals. Back in real time, Boonmee’s wife, who died 14 years earlier, returned one evening while he was eating dinner with his sister-in-law and his nephew. The dead wife sat down and drank some water. Then the reunited family was visited by a “ghost monkey” who looked a lot like Chewbacca, but with red eyes. Turns out the monkey was their long lost son (who went missing one day - Boonmee explained to his wife that he had spent a whole afternoon looking for him). Well it turns out the missing son was taking pictures of the ghost monkeys he found in the trees and then mated with one, and as a result he too had become a ghost monkey. No one seemed too surprised at this turn of events. They then went for a walk, ended up in a cave, and Boonmee died, surrounded by ghost monkeys. His nephew climbed out of the cave, went back to town and became a monk. Then the monk took a shower, watched some tv, somehow exited his own body and went to a karaoke bar. And … scene. End of movie.

There were also some subplots involving the Thai military, communism and Laotian immigrants, but even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could figure out how they fit into the story and what their meaning actually was. I recognize that when the director talks about movies being too shallow these days, he is probably referring to people like me who watch The Bachelor and Jersey Shore, but come on people. This is a bit much. The reviews say it’s mystical and amusing. It was neither. In addition to my shameful reality tv addition, I also enjoy more significant “films” that make you think and question your reality. I hate to give myself too much credit, but if CG and I can’t find any pleasure or meaning in the movie, I have a hard time believing the rest of the population will. Seriously, this movie was dumbfounding to me.

All that to say, I do not recommend this movie. Unless of course you have a strong desire to see a woman experience orgasm thanks to the efforts of a talking catfish. In that case, go nuts.

And of course, if you've ever wondered what a ghost monkey looks like, please see the above picture.

poetry + politics

So the biggest news of late is that Harper’s second minority parliament has fallen and as a result, we are facing an election in a little over a month. They tell me it’s our 4th in 7 years. They also tell me that most people are fed up with these non-stop elections. Gotta say, I’m actually okay with it, and not only because we all know where my political leanings lie. It’s so easy to fall back on the democracy is a privilege argument, but I’m gonna do it. When you see what’s happening in other parts of the world, you have to be thankful that when a government falls in Canada it’s not because our leader has penchant for violence - instead it’s because his parliamentary colleagues have lost confidence in his government.

Because I am a complete dork, I have created this little diddy in honour of the upcoming campaign and our 41st federal election:

E is for election, our 4th in seven years,

L is for lazy, defined by Harper and his coalition fears.

E is for Elizabeth May, who has no hope in hell,

C is for contempt, which is how Harper fell.

T is for the truth, which is forever being bent.

I is for Iggy, whose support is less than 30 per cent.

O is for offensive, as I’m sure the ads will be, and

N is for the New Democrats who will end up number three.

I recognize it’s not a perfect poem. But as our parliamentary system is not perfect (proportional representation anyone?), I feel it’s apt. I'll try to be more eloquent (like this) as the campaign rolls on, but for now hopefully this attempt at rhyming will suffice.

Incidentally I wrote this while watching the Junos last night. Anyone else watch the opening scene and laugh out loud? Lloyd Robertson playing Call of Duty? Drake and the Biebs serenading each other with "I Will Remember You"? Come on ... Hilarious! Plus Arcade Fire swept the awards. Of course they did, because, as previously discussed, they are awesome!

silver foxes > cougars

This past weekend I learned a valuable lesson from my friend PT: Cross country skiing is a lot like a horror movie - always remember to look behind you. Why you ask? Because you never know what is happening when your back is turned. In a horror movies, it's inevitably a serial murderer. When cross country skiing, it's beautiful scenery. Like this:

We were lucky. There very well could have been a cougar behind us, hidden somewhere in that breathtaking view. Being cougar smart is very important, as delineated by the brochure in our hotel room. In case you were wondering what a cougar smart brochure looks like, here it is:

It's a bit hard to read, but it basically says that cougars can attack at any time, even when you think you are safe and sound inside the local pub. They're everywhere. The only way to protect yourself is to protect the jugular and get into a fetal position. It also helps if you don't hang out with unsuspecting men in their twenties.

We did see some other wildlife on our ski though. Some silver foxes, which as you know are a personal weakness of mine. All in all a great day, which was part of a great girls weekend, filled with details that can't be shared here, but rest assured there were a lot of laughs.

and so it ends ...

So Brad's journey has finally come to an end. I'd love to say that I'm really going to miss his stilted delivery and wooden personality, but really all I care about are his abs and his wonderfully coiffed almost-beard.

Due to a PVR glitch, we watched out of order, and in two different locations. Long story. So as the action was slightly disjointed, our conversation was as well. As a result I will only be able to talk about my thoughts on the main characters (I know they are supposed to be real people, but come on), as opposed to the actual happenings of the show:

Brad – As he did throughout the season, he tried his best to be honest and a good guy, and I will say that he came off fairly well. I do think that he should have thrown Chantal a bone though when talking about why he kept her around. Saying she deserved to be there was a bit harsh. Dude could have said that he enjoyed her company and felt something rather than totally dismiss their “journey.” But I guess his super insecure maybe-fiancee Emily would have had a few issues with that story line. And we all agreed that that homeboy can rock a Henley. I decree that he should wear one at all times.

Emily – Unsurprisingly, she looked much better after the final rose than she did at the proposal. Looks like she took Stacey’s advice and went for the low lights and a wipe! Her dress was still pretty bad. But not as bad as the one she wore for the proposal. That particular dress was only memorable because it had no feathers (yep, I'm talking to you Chantal). This is not saying much. While being interviewed by Chris, we all agreed that while her honesty was appealing, she needs to get over how she was portrayed on the show (i.e. tragic-single mom). Her insecurities were almost as unflattering as her outfit.

Chantal – I did feel bad for the girl. Not only for being rejected by Brad but for announcing on national television that she's in love again. I guarantee it won't last and ABC will lock her up for the season of the Bachelorette that premiers in May 2012. Two good things I will say though is that a) she had a dignified exit after the rejection and b) she wouldn't let Brad get away with pretending he didn't have feelings for her. What I can’t get behind was her outfit on the final day … too much going on with the feathers, the flowers, the prom girl hair, the stacked bracelets, the earrings. Bad styling period. She looked better at the ATFR, but really only in comparison to Emily’s bad weird French Maid outfit.

Chad – Dare I say he was hotter that Brad? He also seemed smarter, but that might have been because he didn’t talk nearly as slowly. But his brother Wes was definitely the brains of the operation …

Wes – We determined that Wes was the brainy one, if only because he was the least attractive of the Womack brothers. But he seemed way more fun than the other two. We figure he’s got to be a good time if only to make up for his shortcomings as the “ugly”brother. Everyone copes in their own way.

Dylan/Prima – They played their roles as mute wives perfectly. They said nothing except that they wanted Brad to pick Emily because they can't relate to single childless women. Imagine if he had brought over one of the ladies with a career? They would have fallen off of their chairs!

Momma Womack – I'm assuming Brad's mom had name, but as it wasn't something unique like Prima, I have no idea what it was. But she played her part well and that’s all I have to say about her.

Chris Harrison – In our dis-jointed viewing, did we miss the part where he gave Brad a pep-talk? Is I just me or did he do far less this season than in past … maybe because of the presence of Brad’s therapist, but seriously the only thing he did in the finale was escort the “ladies” to the proposal. And I’m guessing drink plenty of Ernie Els’s wine. Seriously – best job in TV.

Ashley H – She was announced as the new Bachelorette. I am not impressed. She was super annoying on Jimmy Kimmel. Bad outfit, bad clapping, bad laugh. Will be hard pressed to make myself watch. There better be some fine young man on her season (a la Chris). Otherwise I might just have to skip the next few months until The Bachelor Pad premieres.

it's all about the map

So just in time for tomorrow's Bachelor finale, I had planned to finally post last week's recap. But I spent the day skiing at Lake Louise and I'm very tired, so I can't really be bothered. Luckily, last week I had to take a plain language writing class. One of the exercises we had to do was a non-linear outline or a mind map for a project we were currently working on. And while I am finally busy at work, I'm not busy doing lots of writing. So instead I chose to do a mind map for my weekly bachelor post. Maybe not the most professional choice, but it was fun to do. Thank jaysus I did not need to read it aloud. But I did share it with my small group, and I'm pretty sure only one co-worker has lost all respect for me, and that's ok because he wears ugly shoes and we will never be friends. So here's a picture of it - it gives you a general outline of what I would have chosen to write about, were I not so effing tired ... goddamn you daylight savings time!

grammar nerds unite

It's been awhile since I've read a book in one day (okay not that long, since I was home over the holidays and I burned through the latest Michael Connelly book my dad had been given for Christmas), but last weekend I read The Imperfectionists, which has been glowingly reviewed both here and here. I don't really have a lot to add, except that I thought it was great and enjoyed almost every character's story.

One of my favourite characters is the corrections editor who has compiled what I think would be awesome - a compendium of grammar rules known as The Bible. It contains a list of common errors, stupid acronyms (i.e. GWOT - global war on terror) and rules (like when to use that vs which). I think it would have made a great companion piece to this book. I love it when a sentence is written in a grammatically correct fashion. It's a little quirk of mine for which I can than my mother, as she was something of a grammar nazi when I was growing up. And while I definitely do not always use perfect grammar (in fact there are probably multiple errors in this post alone) I judge people who have poor grammar. There, I said it. It's true. I am a grammar snob and I'm okay with it. Back when I was doing the online dating thing it was a pretty big problem. Typos are forgivable, the improper use of the English language is not. Except of course when it's not your first language. But really, that's the only exception.

So imagine my pleasure when I found out that Friday was National Grammar Day! Seriously, it made my week. And just for your viewing pleasure, here is a video that was making the rounds on Facebook that illustrates my point about the importance of finding a man who appreciates the importance of grammar and spelling. Not to mention steering clear of warthogs.

way to go Brad, you just proved me right

Anyone else notice how prescient* my last post was? In the same way he dismissed Shawntel, Brad got rid of Ashley because she has a career, is driven to succeed and isn’t willing to sacrifice everything to be with him. Shocker. HC and I had a disagreement about this as she insists that they probably just edited out the career talk with the other “ladies.” Well if they did talk about it, I really think ABC should include it. By not showing it they just perpetuate the stereotype that if a woman wants to find true love, she shouldn’t be saddled down by a career and instead should concentrate on making her man happy. But I guess they need the women to fit into certain characters. We have “career driven Ashley”, “tragic single mom Emily” and “will do anything for love Chantal.” While it's true that I’ve never been a fan of Ashley, it still really infuriates me that the girl with the career aspirations is the one who had to go. Although I probably would have sent her home for wearing ridiculous denim diapers, so maybe I’m no less shallow then Brad.

The only other thing I have to say about the episode is why did they bother giving Chantal and Brad a key to the bed-in-a-tree loft thingy? I understand it’s part of the whole “fantasy suite” schtick, but last time I checked it was in the open air, and as such there was no door in which to use the key. You can’t pull a fast one on me, Chris Harrison!

*Are you also impressed at my use of the word prescient? Because I am.

math and exercise

So like an idiot, I went and signed up for this run again. Just like last year, I have 8 months to physically and mentally prepare myself for the race, but this time I will hopefully actually stick to the training plan and not suffer in agony for the longest 10 kms of my life.

To that end, today I hit up the gym at my new place of employment. It just opened this week and is a great perk of the new job. Having a gym on the 2nd floor is nice when it's -37 (for reals ... this weather sucks) outside and the last thing you want to do when you get home is leave again. Now, there are a few restrictions of the company gym: it's pretty small (only 8 cardio machines along with some free weights); it's only open 6am-6pm Monday-Friday; and there is a fee. Yep, we have to pay to play. The cost? Sixty bucks for the year. For those of you counting, that makes it $5 a month, $1.25 a week, or 0.25 cents a day. Best deal in town.

One of the funniest things about being a member is that in order to gain access you not only have to pay your fee, there is a mandatory information session. As previously mentioned here and here, my new employer is a big fan of safety. And so, we all had to spend an hour with a trainer from the YMCA who demonstrated the fine art of how to properly use a treadmill, because anything can happen when that mechanical belt starts moving.

one step closer for the women, one step back for all of womankind

There are so many things wrong with The Bachelor, but the one that drives me the craziest is that it's assumed that whoever he picks will move to his hometown. For some reason I can totally accept him dating 25 women, making out with a dozen or so, sleeping with at least 3 of them, and then picking one at random. But the idea that a woman has to change her plans to follow him around drives me bananas. No compromise, no discussion of him moving, etc. The "ladies" are the ones who have to make the big decision about their career (on the rare occasion where they actually have one) and suck it up and move wherever the guy is living, because they're gonna be a wife, and that trumps all.

On Monday's episode, there was no discussion of Chantal's career (maybe because she doesn't need one judging from the size of her parents house), Brad was concerned about perhaps holding Ashley back (because she is actually on her way to becoming a professional), and Shawntel got booted mainly because her parents don't want her to leave the funeral home business (Brad may have said their chemistry was lacking, but come on). And then there is Emily. There was no mention of her career because she has a kid, which means she is already on her way to being the perfect wife. Awesome.

eat something ... please

So The Bachelor is on tonight and I just realized that I didn't post a recap from last week. That was due to a variety of issues, including but not limited to:

1) the fact that it was Valentine's Day and I was striking against all things involving romance;

2) HC forgetting to PVR the early episode meaning that we made our pizzas, packed them up and took them over to SS's place to cook, resulting in a lot of commotion and me forgetting to take note of everyone's witty comments; and

3) sheer laziness on my behalf.

So I don't have a full recap. Instead, below is an email train between myself and RB, which I believe captures the sentiment of the day after.

RB:

It's dinner time on the yacht! Britt is wearing an indefensible peach negligee thing.

Did you watch the bach last night?

Me:

I did. She had horrible platform flip flops too! Screw a lack of chemistry, she should have been sent home based solely on her horrible fashion choices and bad hair!

RB:

It was gross- and made me realize I need a b**b job STAT

Me:

Shut up.

You are nowhere near as skeletal as Britt, so that ridiculous outfit would not hang off you like it did her. Seriously, I was wishing for an interactive tv so that I could feed her the salted caramel chocolate I was eating in honour of VDay.

RB:

Yes, I watched her push her food around the plate and was willing her to EAT SOMETHING!

Me:

Any thoughts on final 2?

RB:

I like Shawntel ALOT

ME:

Yes me too.

RB:

Her and dentist I think?

Me:

Not a fan of the dentist … she seems very unhip. Bad mom hair and overplucked eyebrows. I also don’t really see their chemistry, but he seems to like her.

RB: I don’t mind her… she’s kind of the odd duck there- which is interesting

Who is your #2?

Me:

I think the other Chantal … despite her crazy.

RB:

mmm… shes way too over the top for me… too needy. Interestingly neither of us said “em”

btw I have watched a sum total of 3 episodes of this bach. He’s creepy.

Me:

I think he has Emily on a pedestal … won’t work.

He is very deliberate in his speaking patterns – no emotion ever. His voice doesn’t chance no matter what he says, it’s almost like someone (Chris Harrison perhaps) is feeding him lines.

That said, I think he’s the best looking Bachelor they’ve had on the show.

RB:

I loved Andrew Firestone

Rich said he should send the rest of the girls home after he saw him with Emily…said he acts like an idiot b/c he’s smitten

Me:

Sounds like you and Rich had a pretty romantic Valentine’s Day last night, watching the Bachelor …

RB:

After I inhaled peters drive in…yes…

Me:

Nothing says I love you like onion rings and a chocolate banana milkshake!

RB:

Wrong. Chocolate Strawberry.

Even hotter and sexier with 2 kids in back of car with milkshake dripping EVERYWHERE.

Me:

Ran into so and so last week. Is it mean of me to say that I don’t like her hair?

RB:

No, this would be mean

Ran into so and so last week. Is it mean of me to say that I don’t like her?

Me:

So to recap, you are mean and I am polite.

RB:

Correct.

another modern romance

Just in time for Valentine's day, another tale of modern romance. I've talked numerous times about the intracacies of dating in the modern world - with the addition of BBM, old fashion texting, online dating, facebook and google, there are so many ways to interact and discover things about potential mates or exes, that it often makes your head spin. A few weeks ago we had a particularly funny interaction that I thought I would share.

HC's internet ghost had been rather absent ... after the spontaneous trip to Vegas, he was slow in regaining contact and answering only when spoken to. As HC is notoriously in need of a "plan" this lack of purposeful interaction was maddening. So we crafted a BBM to him that would let him know she had noticed his silence but wouldn't be accusatory. These were early days after all. So, what she sent was: "awfully quiet out there ...."

Unfortunately the day she sent it, the city was being hit by a massive blizzard. As such, it was very cold and snowy outside, and as he is a boy, he read it quite literally, and responded (immediately I might add), with "was running errands all morning and it's a ghost town outside."

Not helpful buddy, not helpful at all.