safety first pt. 2

I'm starting to get a bit concerned about my choice of new job. In training on Tuesday we went over the bomb threat checklist. The memo begins with "Bomb threats should never be treated lightly. The following guidelines will assist to minimize confusion ...."

For reals. And so I say again, what the hell have I gotten myself into?

daddy issues

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to put all of our comments from last night's Bachelor into a cohesive story line, mainly because our viewing party was interrupted by some fierce googling of HC's latest date as well as some intimate discussions about whether or not a woman's cervix is fixed in place. Please note that the two discussions were not necessarily related.

But even if these conversations were very off-topic they were still much more stimulating than the conversations that Brad had with the ladies. Plus, no one died in our stories. Seriously, why do all the women feel the need to tell Brad about their sob stories as soon as he says hello? It's a bit much, non? And I wonder what Brad's "therapist" would say about the fact that all the women who go on the Bachelor all seem have some sort of daddy issues - an absent father (dentist), a dead one (Chantal, Ashley) or a fatherless child (Emily)?

On to the big events of the evening ...

• We figure the only reason Seal is on the show is because he has like 7 kids at home and is sick and tired of Heidi Klum getting to leave all the time to host project runway or strut her stuff in Victoria's Secret fashion shows. Sadly this was the only option available to him.

• As to AH's big question of the night: "What exactly does Brad's tattoo mean?" Tim had a very concise response: "That he's a douche."

• As we were watching the action film "date" we had two main questions. 1) Did they all go shopping at the same tacky-lululemon-knock-off store? and 2) Do other people watching this think this is a cool idea? Obviously we cringe and question why we watch the show, but do others think, "Hey, this is awesome, I wish I could film a fake action movie that no one will ever see? But no one ever takes me on dates like this. My life sucks."

• HC was trying to recount a funny story about a night we had in Panorama over the holidays, but it was really one of those stories where you had to be there. As she put it, "that story crashed just like Ricky's plane." Harsh but true.

• We still don't know who half the "ladies" are ... name and occupation is insufficient. We need more contextual information. For example it should say Britt, 25, food writer, made out excessively with Brad on the bed during useless blood drive public service announcement. Lisa, 24, wore ruby red shoes on night one, hair is too long, but for some reason it works. Or Lindsay, 25, thank god I have red hair, otherwise no one would remember me.

• Also from now on Christie shall be known as Christie I. Even though we have no other friends named Christie, we will start using the letter I as an homage to our favourite show which always seems to have two Ashleys.

And just in case you were wondering, we never did find any juicy information about HC's date ... according to the interweb, dude is a ghost.

safety first

So as previously mentioned I recently started a new job. Here is some sample training material from said new job:

"An inexperienced float plane passenger attempting to assist the pilot to dock is exposed to extreme danger from the rotating propeller."

Hmm. Not sure what I've gotten myself into ....

love in an elevator

So I started a new job last week. Great new role with lots of learning opportunities and potential new career paths. But even better than that, it has presented me with a whole new dating pool. The office has an internal facebook-type directory and so as I'm not very busy yet, I spent the better part of my morning intranet stalking a hot guy I saw on the elevator. He got off on the 3rd floor (my office is on the 5th), and so using the vast internal resources provided, I was able to figure out his name, what he does, his phone number, and his approximate age. He's a bit on the young side, but definitely older than Tag. I don't know that our jobs will interact at all, but I definitely need to figure out how to have more meetings on the 3rd floor!

that was tender, but I still think she's boring

... that gem of a line comes from Christie, speaking about Brad's second one-on-one date with whatever her name was with the side bun and pretty necklace. Two other comments about that date: 1) His spit take reaction to her "I don't date much comment," was very out of place. His concerns about her being cautious were a bit much, non? Just because you're contractually obligated to be a man-whore Brad, doesn't mean this girl has to be a hussy. 2) Why do the "ladies" always thank Brad so much for the date? He does not come up with these dates. There is obviously a team of ridiculous people at ABC who sit around coming up with stupid idea after stupid idea. He is not spoiling you - ABC and Neil Lane are. And Train? Really? You can't even dance (fast or slow) to their music. This of course brought up a side conversation about musicians appearing on TV shows. Remember when bands used to play at the Peach Pit or the Bait Shop? They were kind of cool and on the up swing. The opposite is true when they make an appearance on the Bachelor. Definitely a sign of desperation or on their way out.

Sorry, back to the topic at hand. As for date number one with the dentist, none of us enjoyed her tutu (on a side note, anyone have thoughts about the revival of ballet and its influence on fashion?) as the drop waist and colour did not work, and a good 10 minutes was spent discussing what was wrong with her eyebrows - the consensus was that they were overplucked, too far apart, and so as a result might even be tattooed on. She had a good sob story about a distant, addictive father (although not sure it can compare to the dead NASCAR driver/orphan daughter story that Emily has), but we were distracted by her excessive hand talking and the background music that consisted of 3 notes over and over again. ABC must have blown its music budget on Seal's upcoming episode.

Once again, the girls try to get time with Brad and ask him stupid questions about his greatest fear. To which he answered, being alone. Really? That's your greatest fear? What about spiders? Or venomous snakes? Or flash floods? Why can't these people every have a normal conversation? Why does it always have to be about their "walls" or "layers?" Where are the discussions about politics, religion and sports?

At the cocktail party Brad stated that he was looking forward to a light-hearted, drama-free evening. Whoever wrote that script for him needs to be fired. He's been on the show before, we know he knows what's about to go down. The gig is up ABC. These girls are not best friends and Brad knows it! And so yes, Michelle has become the villain. Justly so, as she is definitely on the first train to crazytown. Melissa also deserved to go home. She was weird, lied about eating (4 pieces of pizza, really? it looked like she hadn't had a sandwich in weeks), and had a horrible Tori Spelling boob job. And yes, that is my second 90210 reference of the nights. But I will say that at 32 she was the oldest of the bunch. Brad is 38. Why couldn't they offer up some more age appropriate women? Does he really think he's going to find love with a 24 year old pharmaceutical rep? And do we really? No. Yet we continue to watch.

age is just a number

So I have a friend. Let's call her "AZ." She met a guy on NYE at a classy bar called Bud's. Let's call him "Tag." Not sure who disclosed their age first, but he said 28 and she said 31. Perfectly acceptable. Problem is, she is a scant 2 months younger than I am, which actually makes her 34. And as you do in these modern times, I googled him (we knew his first name and his current place of employment), and thanks to a previous career as a player in the WHL, he has an interweb presence: hockey stats are quite thorough - dude was born in 1984. For those of you keeping score, this makes him 26. So while 8 years is not an obscene age difference, it's a bit more significant than just 3 years. That said, nothing scandalous or untoward happened. Innocent flirting is all. Which is good, seeing as he probably still lives at home, and his parents might not appreciate him bringing home a cougar. I'm kidding. We know he doesn't live at home. Or at least we think we do ...

give the guy a break

I don't have much to say about the first episode of Brad Womack's return to the Bachelor, except that I did appreciate that change up from "most dramatic season ever" to "most controversial season ever," (although it's surprising ABC didn't call it "contractually obligated to pick someone this time around"). While watching, the girls and I concurred that the dresses were worse than ever, all the "ladies" seemed to use the same curling iron, and why were there no ages along with their "career descriptions." If you go by the number of times she said like, the girl who got the first impression rose is definitely a teenager.

The whole "I've been in therapy and I'm a new man" theme was all a bit too much. I appreciate that they are trying to show that he has changed, but why did he need to? Dude had every right to not pick either Jenny or DeAnna if he wasn't feeling it - it's called free will. It's not like all the other relationships on the show have worked out ... people break up. Just not in ABC's world I guess. And why is DeAnna so bitter? Last time I checked she's engaged to a guy she met thanks to being dumped by Brad. And it feels like she's been on every season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette over the last 3 years. Get over yourself.

And finally, I can't believe it took them this long to get Seal to agree to use "Kiss From A Rose." Heidi must be a fan ...